Hi there,
I found your item through the CLASH tournament, for which I am a judge. I hope my feedback can give you some assistance in planning your entries for future rounds.

Firstly, I have to say that the font you've used for your character reference is quite hard to read. Thankfully the story is in an easily readable font.

Current Whereabouts: Deceased.
Well that's certainly a poor start for a character in a tournament! You've definitely caught my attention. Clearly there's a story behind that statement. I'm off to read it!

Screams tore through the once tranquil marble and silver halls forming a morbid chorus, thousands of years of history crumbling to dust around them.
I love that sentence! So beautifully descriptive!

Light, so bright it burnt past her eyelids, flared and she was sent flying, momentarily weightless before crashing violently into the opposite wall, some twenty feet away. Pain flared through every muscle and bone and unconsciousness threatened like an executioner's blade. She fought it, pushing herself into sitting position, noting her left arm was broken –if the sickening pain was any indication- and several ribs at the very least cracked. Her head spun, her lungs trembled, and her ears rang, years of military service and training pointing toward a severe concussion. But somehow, she managed to cling to awareness. She blinked until she could partially see again.
I don't normally copy whole paragraphs into a review, but I was recently trying to explain to another author in a review that they needed to help the reader feel the pain and the fear, and see the action and drama through the character's eyes, and...oh, all the things you've done so well in this paragraph. I've read a number of published books where the hero or heroine are injured in action, and this was worthy of any of them. Without belaboring the point, you helped us to feel her injuries and her determination and you kept it all perfectly in character, kept the pace moving and it flowed really well with the rest of the story. Fantastic work.

shinning like a falling star in the smoke filled gloom.
A small typo there - shinning should be shining.

The ship teetered wildly, slamming against the remains of the hall then capering down to crash into the once beautiful courtyard below.
Slamming was a good choice of word, but capering seems a little frivolous for such a situation. Perhaps plummeting? Or even 'then crashing down into the once beautiful courtyard below'?

blood dripping jewel like to the ruble strewn marble.
Ruble should be rubble.

Swallowing, she took up her gun and rose painfully to her feet. Holding her side she half ran, half ambled down the hall.
Ambled is a rather carefree way of walking that doesn't seem to suit this situation. Perhaps staggered?

She fell in line beside it, It's black, square eyes regarded her coldly
I think 'It's' should be 'its'.

Please follow the signs toward the test labs were they will take samples
Were should be where.

I have to say, I was pleased to see that you had signed up for another tournament. I enjoy your style of descriptive story telling, and you have not failed with this audition round. I found your work very easy to read, enjoyable and as always you inspire me to try to reach a higher standard in my own work.

Your character has been given a strong military background, a ruthlessness that is tamed by charity and good manners when a situation allows for such soft feelings, and experience with war and death that will stand her in good stead. I think you have an excellent chance in this tournament and can't wait to read more of your work. One thing though - you note in the character reference that she is dead, yet she is clearly identified when she applies to enter the race. Was this an oversight, or is there more to this story that we have yet to read?



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .