Hi Alex,
I found this item through the CLASH tournament, for which I am a judge. I hope some of this feedback helps you as you move into the next round.

I like the way you don't use dialogue tags for all your dialogue. Sometimes you do, which is fine, but you often use neighbouring sentences to illustrate who is speaking, and their expression or tone. Sometimes the dialogue doesn't need any accompaniment for us to know who is talking. You do this very well. I have taken some notes for my own writing!

At the age of twenty, Jayce Richardson was having sex for the second time.
That's certainly an attention grabbing first line!!

As he made love to the beautifully pale blue-skinned Ruluvia, he couldn't help remembering his first time having sex with the beautifully pink-skinned, Private Janice Whitcomb.
You have used the word beautifully twice in this sentence, I'd recommend changing one of them to another word.

The High Command had insisted that that they do the full deed in order that Janice's rape accusations be provable in a court of law.
Hmm, that's interesting information to add to what we read in the character reference. Now my mind is buzzing!

Jayce put on shorts and opened the door to see his brother, Michael, no less.
You spell Michael this way (which is what I would have thought was correct) but it is spelled Micheal in the character reference and throughout the rest of this story.

Just about everyone on this planet whether human like his brother, or Gringan like Ruluvia thought that the Grand Overlord was the most wonderful being in the known universe.
I think the comma is in the wrong place in this sentence. I would have written it as 'Just about everyone on this planet, whether human like his brother or Gringan like Ruluvia, thought that the Grand Overlord was the most wonderful being in the known universe.'

"Really?" said Micheal.
Because that's a question, it should be probably say asked instead of said.

Besides, another corner of his mind reminded him, to be too pro-marine would hurt his cover.
Ooh, more to get us thinking. I sense a twist ahead. Good foreshadowing!

"Have you," asked the Grand Overlord, "watched the holovision at all in the past twenty-four hours?"
He touched a button on his remote control, and a perfectly good Holovision came to life in the room.
In the first sentence you refer to the holovision with a lower case h, but in the other sentence you use a capital as if Holovision is a brand name. You need to pick one or the other and decide if it's a generic name or a brand name.

He actually had a few different emotions at the moment partly because he had a few different roles each with their own emotions.
I think this sentence is redundant, because you explain his conflicting emotions sufficiently in the following sentences. I'd take this sentence out.

This is a satisfacrory outcome.
A small typo there.

Out loud, he said.
When Krylon didn't respond, he said.
There should be commas at the end of those instead of full stops, to link the dialogue with the dialogue tags.

"an unsatisfactory outcome," said Jayce.
You need a capital letter at the beginning of that sentence, even though he is effectively continue the dialogue of the previous speaker.

Overall, this is a very intriguing story. There are clearly multiple storylines working away in the background, and your plot seems far more intense than any of the others I have read for this tournament. If you keep control of all the plot threads, you have an excellent advantage.

In terms of your character, you have set him up with physical fighting skills, intelligence, a certain ruthlessness and a superior skill at lying. We haven't seen him in combat, and I am always disappointed by that in these auditions because it is a character versus character tournament and ultimately I want to see one character outwit or physically conquer the other. However, this is just the audition and there is plenty of time for that. We don't know for sure if he can bring himself to kill an opponent if it comes to that, but you have certainly set him up with the right background to be able to do it if need be - he sees the benefit in sacrificing a few to save the many, and is prepared to break the law to do what is right.

Overall, excellent work. I am very impressed!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .