Hi William,
I found this item through the CLASH tournament, for which I am a judge. This review is just supposed to give you some basic feedback that you can take into the next round, and maybe help you to know if you're on the right track for your character to win favour with the judges.

You seem to have put a lot of effort into the background story - where others competitors have done simple 'question and answer' surveys for their character references, you have gone far more in depth. While not necessary at the audition stage of the game, it will be to your benefit in the long run, so well done. The better you know your character, the easier you will find the tournament and the more likely you are to succeed. Just be wary of over-complicating things so that you don't confuse the judges. I must admit at this stage (after reading the character reference but before reading your story) I am a little confused about the effect of this neurite material on Vince, other than giving him telekinesis abilities. But I'm off to read the story and hopefully all will become clear!

I, Mitch, Thea, and Will were watching the newsfeeds together at home, on our giant entertainment center screen.
I think this should read 'Mitch, Thea, Will and I' rather than 'I, Mitch, Thea and Will'.

After we were probed in by Telalabs, tons of information on the stuff we got struck with has been gathered, and nearly every channel aired something related to the iridescent mineral.
'Probed in' should be just 'probed'. 'Tons of information on the stuff we got struck with has been gathered' should be 'they gathered tons of information on the material we had been struck with'.

"The hell's going on here?" Mitch said in an annoyed whisper.
Because it is a question, the dialogue tag should be 'asked' instead of 'said'.

Please bear in mind that I'm not pointing out these small errors to be a picky judge - at this stage in the game and particularly as the audition round is not an elimination round, this is just to help you learn and point out some things you might have overlooked. Characterisation is more important, but it is true that if there are two stories that are well told, with strong characters, one without spelling errors or grammar mistakes might win over one that does have errors. But I am genuinely just trying to help at this stage.

Probably a gigantic hoax, perpetrated by some rich nut-job with money to burn." Will said, in the same annoyed tone as everyone else.
Don't wanna be dead meat." Mitch said, glancing at me with pale white eyes
With both of these, you need a comma before the name, rather than a full stop. The dialogue tag 'Will said' or 'Mitch said' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue.

I realise you only have a short space of story in which to say a lot, but it seemed his friends went very quickly from shock and horror at the idea of him participating to encouragement and support. It didn't even seem like he gave any particularly good reason. It might have seemed more realistic if someone (Thea?) was still reluctant and angry, even as he left. Also, his reasons for entering seem tenuous. He's after fame and glory? A cushy lifestyle? I'm not sure that seems a good enough reason to risk his life. Perhaps I missed something?

I stared out into the void of space, thinking about what I'll do if I won the race.
You changed tenses in this sentence. 'I'll' should be 'I'd'.

The titanium alloy chassis gleamed in the bright light of the hangar. The Dale-Tela logo, two stars separated by a line, was being slapped on by a filthy-looking engineer. After attaching the sticker, he leaped off the bike to greet me with a greasy pat on the back.

"Heya, V. Wanna ride this bike in the race?" The engineer reeked of synthetically enhanced oil and nitromethane.
I loved all your description of the engineer and Vince's interactions with him. I could practically picture (and smell!) him.

I saw a brief flash of red as a monitor scanned my retinal patterns, it giving the OK.
That's an awkward way of saying it, 'it giving the OK'. Personally I always write OK as 'okay' in fiction like this, but even so. I would amend this to something like 'giving approval for me to board'.

"You are qualified for a quick screening, as we doubt your physical attributes. Actually, I'll provide you with a riddle if you would. Complete it, and your bike’s qualified to enter."
I'm confused. He doubts Vince's physical attributes, so he gives him a mental challenge? Why not a physical challenge if he doubts his physical capabilities? His mental capabilities weren't in doubt, were they?

I stared hard at the laser generators, trying to spot a way to get past them. One mess up could get me killed instantly. I thought about it for a while until the solution hit me. I picked up a box, a turquoise aura forming around it, and slammed it against one of the generators
There was no drama or suspense to this. Although it's hard to add drama and suspense to a mental challenge, you could potentially have added tension by having a time limit, by having Domumen goad him, by having him nearly sear himself on a laser, by... Well, there's a few things.

The one thing I really felt was missing was any evidence or even implication as to how Vince would cope in combat. Can he cope in a physical fight against another competitor? Is he ruthless enough to beat the others? Would he kill someone, if it came down to that? Some of his competitors are pretty dangerous.

Good work on the audition and I look forward to seeing your round one entry.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .