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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3919018
Review #3919018
Viewing a review of:
 The Last Time I Saw Him Open in new Window. [ASR]
Poem for Round 2--Last Time I Saw Him--Topic for Slam '04.
by VictoriaMcCullough Author Icon
Review by Solivagus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Treefall* *Treefall2* An Autumn Showering Acts of Joy Review *Treefall2* *Treefall*
*Leafr* by Solivagus Author Icon *Leafr*
Greetings VictoriaMcCullough Author Icon!
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*Umbrellao* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *Umbrellao*


*Leaf5* General Summary
         *Burstg* Slam poetry. The articulate throwing down of words in a form of undeniably concise expression. There are no double meanings, only metaphor. No lies, only brave truth. The piece "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., first crafted for a Slam contest back in 2004, is just as potent as when used to compete.

*Leaf1* Form
         *Dropr* Slam poetry is one of those experiential poetries that people do not truly understand with just word alone. What you've done though, is add a function to the form of the prose involved. It isn't necessary to verse out a slam poem, but here you have. And it flows so perfectly with the breath and thought process... I found myself appreciating the detailed efforts you took to add a readability that provides a glimpse of how you'd perform it.

*Leaf2* Word Choice
         *Pumpkin* As you well know the bread and butter of a slam poem is the ability to use exactly the right word to mean what you mean.
         *Star* Stand-out wording: "his words were always chicken soup".
         *Pumpkin* I almost feel you don't need "when I was sick". It seems to be that your relationship didn't necessitate an illness to inspire his prescription.
         *Pumpkin* I am curious and unsure what you meant when you said "the catalyst of a dead-era". It is my understanding that a catalyst is an agent of change. Would you mind enlightening me as to the reason you chose this word?
         *Star* Stand-out wording: "Like a raving beauty in the wee hours underneath an eternal moon." A perfect ending inspiring the imagery of a man who "went home" at last, and is enjoying his time doing at rest what he did in life which was to bring a sense of joy into the situations that involved him. Didn't he, just?


*Leaf3* Rhythm
         *Sun* Impeccable. I have no adjustments, I could hear you performing this as it was written, the rhythm was musical - smooth - beautiful - and most importantly: intentional.

*Leaf4* Considerations in Earnest
         *Teabr* My only suggestion is to select a different word than catalyst, for that line. Not because I'm a silly boy and have no idea what it means in the context of its use, but rather because it sounds wrong there. Catalyst and dead-era are so bipolar in the way they sound to team up describing a 'funny old' hat. I'm not a genius though, so other people reading this review might be like, "Duh, catalyst is the perfect word."

*Writing* Overall Impression
         *Wind* Being the first slam poem I had seen on this site I was very daunted to take a look because it was a hobby I enjoyed when I was in New York. I loved this piece and was so glad to see that a written piece can be just as musical if presented correctly. I am very impressed with this and hope that I have all the time in the world to read the rest of the folder.

*Treefall3*Happy Autumn,*Treefall3*
*Leafbr* Solivagus Author Icon
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I hope this review has been positive, constructive, helpful, and at least pretty. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of seeing your craft.

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