Hello dmckune

Thank you for entering the genre remix round of What If despite the challenge I put forth with the prompts. I appreciate every entry and it was hard making a decision on which one placed out of the small bunch that entered.


First Impression:
Overall, I think you did a good job on this story. It's well written in the technical sense and has interest in the story in general. While it stood a chance of placing there are just a few factors that dropped it below the one that placed first but it isn't a bad story by any means. In fact, I think you have a pretty good idea that you could make into a book if you felt inclined to do such.


Prompt:
Close. I do like the use of space in this one and in general am a fan of elves (if that wasn't obvious). However, the fantasy/sci-fi prompt was specific to the requirement of Faeries in Space and not elves. I'm a bit picky in this regard because while some people might consider elves and faeries to be the same thing (and in some literature they are) to me they are very different. I have elven stories and I have fae stories but they aren't the same thing. So, it would have fit the prompt better if it had faeries instead of elves.


Characters/Story:
The main character, an elf female, is okay though I could use a bit more detail and something that showcases her personality a little more. I think her character is stalled a bit by the story being focused on a memory of what brought them to the current situation instead of showing her living the issues. But she has potential and nice to have a female elf with a strong role in a story. Though if the love interest is important it would help to see more of her interest in the guy instead of just the friend this and friend that because the claims of love came a bit out of nowhere based on the first part of the story.

Nice choice with the half-elven one not as the main character. It's hard to have a character like that because it comes close to the line of "overdone" things in fantasy and something if used has to be done carefully to make it stand out. I do like that it was the friend/love interest and not as the main character that is the half breed of human and elf. Though it felt a bit strange with the friend focus and all of a sudden there is a love proclamation thrown in near the end. I think you need more word count even for the love story, or need something to hint more at her possible feelings towards him. It would help if the story is going to be focused on their love and not just the troubles of the main character.

Story wise, a part of the story is told as memory. She is remembering what lead to her situation, which brings up her heritage, the mother and the conflict there in, but it feels almost too "tell" in this format. At first I wasn't sure what the focus of the story was, to be honest. First part it feels about the space journey, but then it's more about her and her mother's threat and then at the end it's about her and the guy being in love. I would guess that part of the organization chosen is based on the word count limit. However, I think it would be more interesting of a story as a novel showing us the issues with her mother, of her becoming a pilot, of her times with the friend leading up to the struggled flights and such. There is a lot of potential but it's too restrained in a small word count. With how much you hint at, there is a definite story within here that has much potential.


Other Notes:
I don't have too many minor notes because in part my main suggestion is to rewrite into a longer story but also in part because on the technical side you didn't do too bad with this one. There isn't a lot to pick nor will most of it matter once it's rewritten into a longer tale.

"And that, that is how I ended up here," on her beloved puddle jumper. - This line confused me. I get the point after some contemplation but it's missing something after the dialogue part. Threw me off each time I read over the story so would be a line I wouldn't keep if doing a rewrite, though you can have something similar, just needs to be more complete to help the reader.


Overall, nice work with the story and incorporating fantasy aspects in a science fiction setting. I know it isn't easy to do either of those genres in a short fiction word count limit and applaud your attempt in that. If you ever expand the story then let me know cause I'd be interested to see what route you can take with these characters.

Thanks for your entry. Keep writing.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .