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 Review #3877041 |
 | Orbs of Misnomer  [ASR] He had no name. It had been stolen. He couldn’t get it back. He was a ghost.  |
| (3.5)| Hi there!  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"  Overall Impression The title grabbed my attention, due to its originality and air of mystique.  This was an unusual story, one I read over and over again, in part because I'm not familiar with the genre of fantasy. What appealed to me was the downplay of the dragon and the emphasis of entities uniting against a common evil. And the orbs. I want one. Setting/Plot/Characters The setting is established in the first sentence. Describing the sand as 'silver' lent an otherworldly atmosphere and piqued my curiosity. The plot is timeless. Good vs. Evil. Your work stood out because of the concepts you employed. Energy and power can be absorbed from the dead. Although this theme has been used countless times, it felt original in your hands. The action was desperate and you raced through the fear-driven plot, creating a sense of urgency, defeat, and a glimmer of hope. The characters include an inexperienced dragon, who is considered a pet? I guess cats and dogs don't belong in this fantasy world. I want to know more about the culture. A thief, who is stealing power? A band of heroes from alternate worlds. All of whom seem engaged in an endless battle, until the implied conclusion. The orbs, full of magical powers fascinated me. I wanted them to be used only by the heroes and not the thief, who surely is not deserving. However, good cannot exist without an opposite evil. How else would be define the difference? Using the orb as a vehicle of communication cut short a lengthy description of alternate idea exchanging without words and without the expected employment of telepathy.  I know this is a contest piece and you were limited by word count. The underlying story would make a magnificent write. I have questions that beg for answers. Who is the nameless one? Where did the orbs come from? What is the origin of this story? Repetition of words can dilute intensity. Can you think of alternate words to avoid [nameless one/heroes/thief]? Considerations A bit of a snag for me was in paragraph 3 Each form that the doppelganger pets had mastered I understand the first part. The thief has absorbed the pets' energy. In my mind, the power is internal. As I continued pondering, I think you're trying to say the pets were recreated, not absorbed, or created after the thief absorbed the energy. Sort of a transmutation. Try to avoid adverbs and passive verbs the dragon quickly became more powerful The dragon's ferocity belied his age. He consumed defeated monsters, their blood surrendering its raw power. His breath and claws damaged his enemies and healed his friends. The sentence makes more sense if the noun and action are together. His breath healed friends. His claws savaged enemies. The baby dragon was finally able to test the extent This is a climatic moment, diluted by passive verbs and an adverb. What do you think of something like this quick example? The baby dragon summoned all his power They quickly ran together Avoid adverbs to bolster a weak verb. How can you define [quickly ran]? What about darted or raced? In closing Your story diverted me from a humdrum day. The total immersion into a fantastical world kept me thinking for hours. I wanted to step into the story, see that baby dragon behind the flanked heroes, poised to attack and decimate. I wanted to hold one of those orbs and observe the energy within, imagining light coursing beneath an opaque surface. Your style is fresh and pleasing. Keep those stories coming! ** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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