I found this featured in today's Poetry Newsletter.
Congratulations for having a poem selected.

You have written a sweet poem, well conceived and presented that uses several patterns found in the Shakespearean Sonnet. This unfortunately is not one of them.

A Shakespearean Sonnet, unlike a modern, unmetered sonnet, must have several technical elements in order to benefit from being called a Shakespearean Sonnet.

The first element is the rhyming scheme. You have mastered that perfectly.

The second element is the rhythm. A true Shakespearean Sonnet must be written in iambic pentameter, that is to say each line must have five poetic feet of a ta-DA ta-DA rhythm. This is the first important element of the necessary structure which is lacking in your sonnet.

Examples:
S1-L3: For weeks, even months, he will stay asleep.
I read this in a mormal speaking voice in this manner: for WEEKS, even MONTHS, HE will STAY aSLEEP. Yes, there are five accented syllables. Another person might read: for WEEKS, E-ven MONTHS, he will STAY aSLEEP. And in any dramatic reading class, we learn to add a sixth accent to these same syllables : for WEEKS, E-ven MONTHS, HE will STAY aSLEEP. And to force this into iambic pentameter, one would need to declaim: for WEEKS, eVEN months, HE will STAY aSLEEP. Not terribly natural.

S2-L1: The bird in winter will fly far away.
As I read this line, there are only four feet.
the BIRD in WINter will FLY far aWAY. In order to "force" these ten syllables into an iambic rhythm, one would need to declaim: the BIRD in WINter WILL fly FAR aWAY. No one will speak this line in this manner.

S4-L1: Now, I ask you honestly, not in jest.
Spoken naturally, the scansion gives us: NOW i ASK you HONestly, NOT in JEST. Yes, there are five accented syllables, but his is most definitely not iambic pentameter. " i ASK you NOW, though NOT in JEST" is iambic meter, but these phrase lacks a fifth foot.

There are other lines I question. When one studies Shakespeare, it is easy to discover his exceptions. It is commonly agreed that when he breaks the iambic rhythm to begin a line with an accented syllable instead of the required unaccented one, he does so to specifically highlight a particular word for dramatic emphasis. I do not believe that your rhythmic exceptions are calculated with this kind of precision but occur rather from lack of experience writing lines in iambic pentameter. Fortunately creating exercises is easy to do and helps every poet master the art of rhythmic writing.

The third element of a Shakespearean Sonnet is the way the poem unfolds. A true sonnet must have two opening stanzas expositing a situation, the third stanza begins what is commonly called the "volta" where the poet writes a change of perspective and the sonnet's final couplet "wraps up” the poem with and overall statement about the evolution described in the poem. For example, a poet may spend his first stanzas describing a snowstorm and the volta stanza shows the reader that the poet is warm inside his home, viewing everything from the window. He may close the poem with a metaphor of a lesson learned from his observing the storm.

Your poem closes very well, but it is made of three stanzas comparing three similar situations. It lacks the idea of a volta.

Instead of attempting to edit these ideas into a true Shakespearean Sonnet, I would suggest renaming this poem simply as a "sonnet" and those readers who know the true difficulties of composing a Shakespearean Sonnet will not even try to interpret it as anything other than a modern sonnet with no rhythm.

Write on!
alfred