Hello StarlessJack ;

I am reviewing "In the Shadow of the Storm - Chapter 1"  as a student of the "Invalid Item"  and I would like to offer you some comments. Please note, before I begin, that I am not an expert at reviews and the following comments are provided with the best of intentions!

The overall feel:The story was intense and action packed. Although there were a few bumps in the flow, the story kept my attention throughout and left me with a lot of questions. Your characters are people that I would love to know more about.

My favorite lines: I loved the line, "preparing to make immediate and volent use of his advantage in reach...", both because this is clearly describing Ingvarr's action, and because you are tying it in to the some of the information you provided earlier on in the story.

The Plot:You begin your story in the heat of battle, and keep the action going throughout the chapter. You allow the reader to get a sense of the plot between scenes of bloodshed and gore. While this keeps the level of anticipation high, I honestly think you have the beginning of a few chapters here, because the details of who is fighting, who is involved, and why, could be developed much more and would help maintain the reader's interest, as at this point, the plot description seemed rushed. I think this came from your need to rush the details of the story between fight scenes, in order to maintain that level of anticipation.
After reading your chapter, I came away strongly feeling that I have not finished reading the first chapter to a book, but the middle of the book. Your level of action/climax is strong - this is quite a talent!

The Characters:From what I understand, you are attempting to develop the characters of Ingvarr, Kendryek, and Modred. I think you have done a good job of introducing the character of Ingvarr, although the details on Kendryek and Modred were few enough that they could almost be the same person to me. You have also managed to do a good job of introducing Fyodor, a character who really grabbed my attention. I am a person who loves the details of character interactions, and you managed to clearly describe the two men, their relationship, and their differences, in a way that made their interactions come alive.
I would like to know more about each of the characters - who are they? Why are they here? What is their significance? And for goodness sake, what is the word with the Elf?!? The elf's appearing in the first third of your story made me wonder if all of the attackers were elves, since you said that the people to the West were smaller. It made me hesitate in my reading, as I wondered why you would take pains to identify the elf. Yet, later in the chapter, you did a good job of describing the significance of the elf, even if you didn't explain why the elf was fighting with those not of his own kind, or why no one else seemed to care that he was part of the fighting!

The Setting:The details of the setting was kind of murky. You identified that the people attacked slept in tents, but I am still not clear if they were living in their homes or if they were migrating. You indicated, in Ingvarr's second scene, that they were in the woods, and there was a few hills around, but why were horsemen making their way in the woods, and why were the soldiers Ingvarr attacked not on horses?

Grammar, structure and flow: I have a few suggestions for you, in this area. In your first line, you state 'as the bright orb dropped below the jagged line of the horizon, the light which had been provided by the sun was replace by that given off by flickering flames'. I felt that this sentence was too wordy, and it seemed that the second half of the sentence was redundant. That said, I loved the descriptive manner of your writing in the first half of the sentence!
The flow of your sentences were a little jerky, and I think that reconstructing some sentences by minimizing unnecessary words and, in some cases, adding descriptors, would be valuable. For example, you could change "The two men went down, struggling on to the floor" to, "the two men collapsed, struggling, on to the ground". As the event occurs outdoors, they likely are not on a floor, and collapsing is more descriptive than 'went down'.
Other examples of where words may be minimized: In paragraph two, you could change "the lumps of bodies" to "lumps of bodies". You could also lose the word "around" without much effect. A final example is "As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, a shape thundered in the darkness". Again, the sentence is a little redundant and could be reworked to enhance the descriptive content of the sentence.
Another point I would suggest is ensuring you use Ingvarr's perspective when writing. There were a few times where you described things your main character could not know, and it resulted in my feeling that I was suddenly moving away from the picture of the story. An example of this is when Ingvarr encounters a group of enemies, and the two remaining are described as being terrified. Rather than merely stating their affective state, could you instead describe what Ingvarr sees? I know nothing about these enemies, but a descriptor of white faces, or unsteady hands, or a slight hesitant manner which gave Ingvarr the advantage...would result in a smoother flow of the story.

During this scene (and by the way, for all I am pulling the scene apart, I really enjoyed it!), there were a few other hiccups that were related to word use. You use 'with' twice in one sentence, and I thought that sentence could be reworked..."...dowing two men WITH brutal horizontal strokes WITH his axe...". You also stated "...when their wits returned..." I had to stop reading to try and determine whose wits you were talking about. Finally, you describe a scene where one of the men are brutally beaten. This did not make any sense to me; why would two adult men...soldiers...stand around and watch their comrade being beaten without using the advantage to put a sword in Ingvarr's back? The following paragraph is also a little confusing. You indicate that fear slowed the man to the right. In my mind's eye, this means that the man on the left attacked first, and the one on the right lost his life. Yet, before Ingvarr was done killing the one on the right, the person on the left went from an attacking thrust to running in the opposite direction without pause. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe if he faced Ingvarr then ran when he realized the odds were 1-1, it would make more sense.

There were a few other areas where some inconsistencies resulted in a disruption to the flow of the story. In the beginning of the story, you describe Ingvarr as coming upon a scene from his nightmares, yet as we continue in the story we realize that Ingvarr is a seasoned soldier. The two facts seem incongruous. In the second paragraph, you talk about the lumps of bodies being exclusively garbed like Ingvarr. I was confused, because if they are wearing the same clothes, it would leave me to believe that Ingvarr would know the people. So, why not talk about faces he recognized? And, when we find out later that he is like, but separate from, the tribe whose safety he is ensuring, why is he garbed the same? Is he a tribemate or not? And if he is, why did the leader of the people who saw Ingvarr as a forerunner not know Ingvarr ahead of time, thus not know he was a forerunner?
A different type of inconsistency was related to the second time you discussed Ingvarr's size. You end the description by stating "...as his thought process concluded...", however it did not seem that Ingvarr's size is, or should have been, something he was actively thinking about in the heat of battle.



Suggestions for improvement: In the second line, you talk about the way the camp settled down. I felt that you could have been more descriptive; as I was reading, I noticed I was hesitating during this description. Which adults put the kids to sleep? Which go to check the pens? It seems like half do one job and half the other, but I am sure this is not what you meant. Ultimately, the 'picture' in my head just didn't make sense. Rather than focus on tasks as the single descriptor of events, could you tie in this line with the first by describing the camp being busy with nighttime activity? You may be able to elaborate on that a little easier :)

Twice in the story, you talk about Ingvarr being over 2 meters tall. I think you transitioned to this explanation much more smoothly the second time, and I would probably take the first out, except perhaps for some surprise on Ingtar's part about how exceptionally small the man was, even considering he was a large man in the first place.

Finally, at the end of the chapter, in Modred you write about "one in five men". This seems kind of random. Could you describe the patrol, including the role and location of the scouts (which do not seem to be part of the one in five), and describe how each patrol is divided into squads?


What I liked most: I was so happy when you described more about the Elf! That elf was a question unanswered in my mind and I enjoyed learning more about him! Just wondering - did he actually order the lords, or only attempt???
I also liked the pace of your story. You have a lot of action, and I am truly hopeful that you expand on all this action and develop a few excellent chapters out of it!

What I would most like to share with you:I think you have officially received the longest review I have ever written!

In all seriousness, I genuinely believe that you have the potential for a great novel here, and I would love to read more. Please continue to write this story, and if you like, send me an email for additional reviews.
I do think there is a lot of editing to be done in this part of your story and consequently have given it three stars. I would be happy to come back and re-rate it if you decide to edit or expand your story.

I hope some of the feedback I have provided is valuable. Feel free to discard anything that is not, and above all...Keep Writing!