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 Review #3795431 |
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| (3.5)| Hi there C.Evil  . I am reviewing your entry as a part of "I Write in December-January-February" . Before I begin, please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend. Plot This is the story of how a person lost all his family because of his alcohol-addiction. And how his son is not able to renounce him despite of all the beatings he got as a child. Alcohol addiction is a vice which eats the person from inside. A drunk person really forgets all his surroundings and everything. This story is still the truth at many place. I am from India, where this is the story of every fifth house. The only difference is that the females here are not so easily able to leave their husbands. I think you captured the plot well. The story was clearly told without any kind of loopholes. I would have love to know more about what started all this in the story, but I can see you were hindered by the word limit. Character The character of both the Charles are developed, though son has the potential to be developed more. But neither of Charles have the potential to stay in my mind for a longer period of time. The dialogues you have used were realistic. Description There are not much description and the piece leans more towards telling rather than showing. I face a similar problem in most of my stories. There are never details. Also I see that you were at the end of the word count. But some descriptions can actually add dimension to the story and the character. Language and Grammar I know this is a Cramp entry and perfecting an entry in 24 hours is never an easy task. But I will point few minor sections which need to be corrected.  we would include in the drunken beatings~ Either "we would be" or "we were" will be better here. but I didn’t hate my father, not then. You have used "not then", but it is not indicated why would he hate him later on? I mean he spoiled his children's life and all but the son did not hate him then. After that he died due to over-consumption, son started hating it then?he was so old and week~ You meant "weak".Favorites and Not-so-favorites The following sentences are my favorites. They capture the emotions beautifully.  My poor mom kept popping out kids like a pez dispenser.A strange silence settled in.Other thoughts and Suggestions This is not a piece which was extraordinary. You used the prompt well, but this piece shows that you have the knack for expressing emotions. Keep working on them and you will soon be able to reel in the readers on a roller-coaster. I am giving this piece three and a half star because of all the above mentioned reasons. Keep Writing!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . 
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You responded to this review 12/12/2012 @ 3:42pm EST