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 Review #3774352 |
 | Whisper on the Wind  [E] A woman hears a voice....  |
| (4.0)| I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"  Note To The Author:None of this review is personal. It is just my opinion, nothing more.  The writing, when t is good, is well written. You do have this habit of writing, not quite complete, sentences, which I will show you examples of, later. Still, your ability to write is obvious, and I am pleased to find that out. Like many stories on this site, this one jumps right into the middle of the action. There is no back-story, character development or description of the character. The reader is thrust into the moment of fleeing, and must adapt to the scenery if he wishes to read on. Actually, there is a small lead-in, when she is lying on the grass trying to sleep. It’s brief but even then we know she should be up, and running from danger. I would have preferred to see a little more story before the danger began, but even so, the writing is good and the story, tense. And those are good things. I do like the story, what there is of it. It is clear, with well-chosen words, solid analogies and and a charming style. You do have this tendency to write, what I can only call, not quite complete sentences. They aren’t really fragments, there just seems to be a word or phrase missing. Let me show you an example: In paragraph one, you wrote: Settling back on the blanket once again, intent on getting a peaceful afternoon naps in the meadow. A you can see, that’s not really a complete sentence. To become so, you’d need something like this: Settling back on the blanket once again, she became intent on getting a peaceful afternoon naps in the meadow. It just seems like you skip important, and needed words in your head. Maybe it is just me, but you seem to do it often. You probably also want, “nap” there. There is a similar situation later when you write: . A branch nearby snapping and falling to the ground with a loud crack even as Amelia’s eyes widened. Sometimes I think you are finishing previous sentence, and to do so, you start a new sentence, which then, isn’t complete. Maybe it is the tense it is in, maybe past tense would be better, especially since the previous sentence was in past tense. Later you write: And now the man who wishes to destroy this forest is angry you have stopped him. He is coming here to hurt you. I’d get rid of “And” at the beginning of the sentence. “Now” should do fine on its own. Also, it seems for clarity, you could use, “that” before. “you have stopped him.” Finally, when you say, “him,” who do you mean? You haven’t previously mentioned anyone. It seems if you introduce a villain, the reader should know something about him. Run this way. Towards the creek. It seems you could combine that. I’d also give it speech marks or italics. And then there is: More whispers and cries from the trees around her denoting the arrival of aggressors. Before offering the soothing songs of their long existence and lulling Amelia in to a state of sleep. Two more examples of not quite complete sentence. It makes for awkward reading. I think you also want, “were subject.” Over-all I like the story and the writing, but only when you aren’t doing those incomplete sentences. When they are traditionally written, you are quite good. The tone is clear, the story entertaining (though I think there needs to be more of it) and I like the mysterious feel and mood. It is a good story, but I do think it needs some editing.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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You responded to this review 10/14/2012 @ 12:09pm EDT