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![]() | Wolves at Sunset ![]() Aliens come to earth with a strange offer. ![]() |
![]() ![]() __________ Item Reviewed: "Wolves at Sunset" ![]() Author Andrew Smith ![]() ![]() Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 ![]() ![]() __________ As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful ![]() ![]() ![]() __________ ![]() Aliens have invaded Earth and made an alluring, wicked offer: any human who brings them two human pancreases will receive the boon of eternal life. Of course, the result is chaos as civil order collapses while some--many, apparently--pursue this promise. Meantime, what's left of civil society organizes through the UN to stop the murders. Our hero, Captain Anderson, is on such a patrol. He doesn't believe in the alien promise, but when the patrol goes bad, he has access to two pancreases and decides to go to the aliens for answers...and finds it is, indeed, a devil's bargain. __________ ![]() Third person limited, in Anderson's head. This was pretty good, although I think the POV wobbled a tiny bit in the opening paragraph. I made some suggestions in the line-by-line remarks below. __________ ![]() Near-future, post-alien-invasion. __________ ![]() Sufficient for staging--I could keep track of where the characters were at and what they were doing. That's sufficient for a short story, although my personal taste would be for a touch more. __________ ![]() Anderson and Oltmand are both credible. In particular, Anderson's anguish makes his decision to challenge the aliens believable. I especially liked the dialogue, both between Anderson and Oltmand and later with the aliens. The alien speech, in particular, was eerie and threatening, both in terms of what they said and in terms of their askew English. Great work making the alien voice...alien! ![]() ![]() __________ ![]() ![]() ![]() A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below. ![]() ![]() I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! I made a few other equally minor notes in the line-by-line remarks. __________ ![]() One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Generally, you do a great job with the fictional dream, pulling readers into the story. I make some suggestions below about possible tweaks, but this is already good. One thing that troubled me a bit was, why pancreases? Why not heads, or hearts, with all the symbolic meaning that would go with either? What do the aliens DO with the pancreas? If it's just for evidence that two humans are dead, why do they need that evidence? I'm guessing it's because they are recruiting an army, but I didn't see that explicitly mentioned. Overall, I really liked this story. The plot, tension and thematic material all came together in a neat package, just like should happen in a short story. Great work, and thanks for sharing!!! __________ ![]() Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance. Your text is in BLUE. My comments are in RED. If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN. __________ ![]() ![]() ![]() You have named your point-of-view character, Anderson, and you've put him in motion doing things. You've also oriented the reader as to location and that he's on patrol. The street's abandoned, so that adds a sense of mystery and tension. These are all good points. For tweaks, the point of view is actually a bit nebulous. It's not until later, when Anderson "snaps back to reality" in response to a clatter of noise, that we're for sure in his head. Using third person plural pronous like "they" and "their" makes if feel like a narrator is standing outside the story describing things. Also, you briefly hop into Oltman's head when you tell us he's surprised. Having him "reel around" suggests surprise, and if you want to emphasize it you might have his face be ashen, or his eyes bulge. Show him being surprised and let the reader infer it, just as Anderson does. One way to establish that we're in Anderson's head right away might be to put the smoke sentence first, and have Anderson react in some way to it, the way he reacts to the clatter later on. Maybe he wrinkles his nose, or it burns his eyes, or he squints against the haze of smoke. Pulling the reader into his head will help to pull the reader into your fictional world. A minor nit-pick: the word "smell" is used twice in one sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. Here, the first instance could be omitted, for example, or you could say a "haze" of smoke drifted... ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Clearly this is essential information for the reader to know. The challenge is to convey it without an "info-dump" and without having the characters tell each other things they already know. Given this situation, there are several ways to present the information in a more dramatic faction that fits with the flow of the story. For example, they might find a body with the stomach ripped open. That could result in a conversation between Anderson and Oltmand that conveys the information indirectly. Anderson might say something about "They hacked out the pancreas, just like all the others." Oltmand straighten his blue UN helmet, pull out his weapon and say, "It takes two. He ain't cuttin' mine out and givin' to them <insert nasty word for aliens here.>" Anderson could say it's all a scam anyway; the aliens can't possibly be able to trade eternal life for 2 pancreases...etc. You get the idea. Done right, this could convey the information without having the characters tell each other stuff they already know. Indeed, this adds to the tension and suspense, since it foreshadows the later appearance of the man with the axe. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() __________ I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!! Max Griffin http://MaxGriffin.net/ Check out my essay ![]()
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