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Review #3738056
Viewing a review of:
 Wolves at Sunset Open in new Window. [13+]
Aliens come to earth with a strange offer.
by Andrew Smith Author Icon
Review of Wolves at Sunset  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story posted in "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Wolves at SunsetOpen in new Window.
Author Andrew Smith Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

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*Check2*Plot
Aliens have invaded Earth and made an alluring, wicked offer: any human who brings them two human pancreases will receive the boon of eternal life. Of course, the result is chaos as civil order collapses while some--many, apparently--pursue this promise. Meantime, what's left of civil society organizes through the UN to stop the murders. Our hero, Captain Anderson, is on such a patrol. He doesn't believe in the alien promise, but when the patrol goes bad, he has access to two pancreases and decides to go to the aliens for answers...and finds it is, indeed, a devil's bargain.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Anderson's head. This was pretty good, although I think the POV wobbled a tiny bit in the opening paragraph. I made some suggestions in the line-by-line remarks below.

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*Check2*Referencing
Near-future, post-alien-invasion.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I could keep track of where the characters were at and what they were doing. That's sufficient for a short story, although my personal taste would be for a touch more.

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*Check2*Characters
Anderson and Oltmand are both credible. In particular, Anderson's anguish makes his decision to challenge the aliens believable.

I especially liked the dialogue, both between Anderson and Oltmand and later with the aliens. The alien speech, in particular, was eerie and threatening, both in terms of what they said and in terms of their askew English. Great work making the alien voice...alien!

*Exclaim* Contractions.*Exclaim* People use contractions in normal speech, so, for verisimilitude, we should include contractions in our dialog.

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*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

I made a few other equally minor notes in the line-by-line remarks.

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Generally, you do a great job with the fictional dream, pulling readers into the story. I make some suggestions below about possible tweaks, but this is already good.

One thing that troubled me a bit was, why pancreases? Why not heads, or hearts, with all the symbolic meaning that would go with either? What do the aliens DO with the pancreas? If it's just for evidence that two humans are dead, why do they need that evidence? I'm guessing it's because they are recruiting an army, but I didn't see that explicitly mentioned.

Overall, I really liked this story. The plot, tension and thematic material all came together in a neat package, just like should happen in a short story. Great work, and thanks for sharing!!!


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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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*Cut*Captain Anderson gently kicked aside an empty card board box. Sargent Oltman reeled around in surprise when he heard it plop against the pavement. Anderson flashed Oltman a hand sign and the two continued on their patrol. Their shadows, dancing in front of them, were their only company on the long empty street. The smell of smoke drifted through the air, the wind blew the smell in form some place to the south. They knew people were somewhere nearby, but they could only guess what their intentions were. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical to any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

You have named your point-of-view character, Anderson, and you've put him in motion doing things. You've also oriented the reader as to location and that he's on patrol. The street's abandoned, so that adds a sense of mystery and tension. These are all good points.

For tweaks, the point of view is actually a bit nebulous. It's not until later, when Anderson "snaps back to reality" in response to a clatter of noise, that we're for sure in his head. Using third person plural pronous like "they" and "their" makes if feel like a narrator is standing outside the story describing things. Also, you briefly hop into Oltman's head when you tell us he's surprised. Having him "reel around" suggests surprise, and if you want to emphasize it you might have his face be ashen, or his eyes bulge. Show him being surprised and let the reader infer it, just as Anderson does.

One way to establish that we're in Anderson's head right away might be to put the smoke sentence first, and have Anderson react in some way to it, the way he reacts to the clatter later on. Maybe he wrinkles his nose, or it burns his eyes, or he squints against the haze of smoke. Pulling the reader into his head will help to pull the reader into your fictional world.

A minor nit-pick: the word "smell" is used twice in one sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. Here, the first instance could be omitted, for example, or you could say a "haze" of smoke drifted... *Exclaim*


*Cut*As the two patrolled the empty street Anderson’s attention was briefly drawn to the great cylinder that jutted more than a thousand feet into the evening sky.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You need a comma after "street." Also, "was briefly drawn" is passive voice. Why not make the cylinder the active part of this sentence? Perhaps it "towers" over them, or "dominates" the sky. Make if forbidding instead of a "brief" sensory intrusion. *Exclaim*

*Cut*For a moment his mind wandered away from the hellish village*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: why is the village "hellish?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*A clatter rose from a nearby alley way. Anderson snapped back to reality. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is excellent! Describe the sound, then have your character react to it!! That's the way to engage your readers in the action, and to draw them into Anderson's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“It’s damn dog!”*Cut*He shouted in his thick Nordic accent. *Exclaim*My Comment: missing word. Also, if he's got a thick Nordic accent, you should mention it before he speaks, so the readers can hear it in their heads while he speaks. *Exclaim*

*Cut* As it drew closer they saw the grisly sight of a human humerus with a chunk of flesh dangling at one end.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In the dog's mouth? The picture is incomplete... *Exclaim*

*Cut*They were walking almost directly into the setting sun, Anderson pulled a pair of sunglasses out of one of the many pockets on his body armor. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He couldn’t help but wonder why so many had traveled from across Europe*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This starts three short paragraphs of background information, where the author intrudes to give the reader some facts about the fictional world. Phrasing it as "Anderson wondered..." doesn't change the fact that this stops the story cold.
Clearly this is essential information for the reader to know. The challenge is to convey it without an "info-dump" and without having the characters tell each other things they already know. Given this situation, there are several ways to present the information in a more dramatic faction that fits with the flow of the story.

For example, they might find a body with the stomach ripped open. That could result in a conversation between Anderson and Oltmand that conveys the information indirectly. Anderson might say something about "They hacked out the pancreas, just like all the others." Oltmand straighten his blue UN helmet, pull out his weapon and say, "It takes two. He ain't cuttin' mine out and givin' to them <insert nasty word for aliens here.>" Anderson could say it's all a scam anyway; the aliens can't possibly be able to trade eternal life for 2 pancreases...etc. You get the idea. Done right, this could convey the information without having the characters tell each other stuff they already know. Indeed, this adds to the tension and suspense, since it foreshadows the later appearance of the man with the axe. *Exclaim*


*Cut*“Leave him Oltman, that is an order!” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd consider using contractions during this exchange, here and earlier in Ottmand's speech. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He looked at Anderson he slowly opened his mouth.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Something missing in this sentence... *Exclaim*

*Cut*As he made his way across barren fields to the alien ship he started to laugh. The tan courier bag hung from his shoulder, and it felt heavier than ever. The sun was beginning to slip below the horizon, he started to move faster. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd consider orienting the reader in time and space immediately after the break rather than waiting a sentence or two. Keep the reader in the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Fear gripped his sole for a moment, but he knew there was no going back.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you mean his soul. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Inside the air was humid, the chamber was silent and there were no obvious exits. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Beware of sentences where the primary verb is a form of "to be." You've got three clauses in a row here where that happens. Maybe he inhales the heavy, humid air, and featureless walls echo the thump of his boots against the metal deck. The idea is to make your verbal description more active rather than reciting facts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Your only breeding murders. And bringing suffering to our world.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "you're..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*He felt himself grow light, it felt like he was floating, he tried to struggle but he had no control over his body. In a flash the light faded and he fell to his hands and knees. He felt cold.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "he felt" filter the sensory information through your character. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe the sensation directly--"he grew lighter, almost weightless..." or "cold child his flesh..." Since you're in Anderson's head, readers will infer he felt it--indeed, that little step of inference help to draw them into your story. If you want to emphasize he felt it, have him react, as you did above with the clatter of sound. *Exclaim*



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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay  Open in new Window. on short stories.



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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/26/2012 @ 8:31pm EDT
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