Hi Idalin, or is it Connie,

I am a fellow star, though I am not completely sure why such a gifted writer as ms. A Christmas Carol St.Ann picked me as one of her Rising Stars. Guess it proves that even the best of us have off days. Anyway I popped into you port while trying to find something to fulfill my M2M duties for the month. I picked this story because you described it as Emotional: Romance/Love, which happens to be an area I am trying to gain a better understanding of. I don’t think one can write now days without some kind of romance in the story even if it is but a fleeting sideshow. I have not read a single recently publish fiction work regardless of the genre, that didn’t have as least a touch. So, that is how you became my target.

Now, for some disclaimer, as you can see, I don’t use templates, I pretty much fly from the seat of my pants when I review. I like to read a piece without any preconceived ideas or notions about how it should look, feel, taste, or smell. I just open it up and follow where the author takes me. I like to hear the picture unrehearsed. So what you get from me is a product unrefined or full or preservatives. My reviews are not canned like mushy peas. No I hope my view, tastes a bit fresher. Now, that doesn’t mean my approach is better. because I prefer steamed broccoli to peas. Some folks shy from the iron rich green flowers, saying they give them gas.

I approach my reviews with every good intentions; I never mean anything I say to be unflattering or thought of as personal attack. My expertise on the subject of writing lay somewhere between newbie-novice, to semi-pro. I have had some stuff published, (and got paid for it) but you must really look hard in just the right places to find it. Please do not take anything I may offer you on your piece as more than its intent. Which is a different view from a different pair of eyes? It is perfectly okay to tell me, “Joey, you are so full of prunes your eyes glow brown!”

I do realize that this piece is just a contest entry based on a prompt. I also understand the normal constraints of word counts, (I have trouble with them myself). I doubt that you have intention to continue the story, or to waste a lot of time editing a three-years-old offering. But as you have it in your port and I am studying it subject genre, why not see if anything I saw can spark something you can use in your next contest entry.

I commend you on your shorts size, it looks like you managed to get all the elements of the prompt into the piece, and in only 669 words. (I am guessing you had to be fewer than 700.) A mean task. At least for me, though, I am also working on trying to say more with less. I believe the all time master of the short story was E. Hemingway, He wrote a jib, to settle a bar bet.(I understand, this was one of his favorite pastimes.) I am try very hard to emulate his example.

“For Sale. Baby’s shoes. Never, worn." (I am so in awe of our teachers. If I hadn't read this first, it would take me three pages to tell the same story. And I know it would not have the same dramatic effect.)

Your story has an easy to follow subject and plot, I had no difficulty understanding it. I liked the easy to pronounce names. For a contest entry, I thought it was more then adequate.

Now comes my other observations, and in fairness I haven’t yet, read any of your other works. Therefore, I have no Idea of the differences between your writing styles in 2009 and 2012. Much-less, the difference between this posting, and a piece you are putting effort into for other non-contest purposes. For all I know, I could be trying to share my opinions with someone, whose creative writing skills far exceed my own. (You are not, Connie Willis, who was recently named a SFWA Grand Master! Are you?) I say this because the unknowing makes it harder to judge the level of scrutiny you may want or welcome.

That said, here we go! I don’t normally give my pets, (real or imagined) human sounding names. I know that some people do, but in this case, it seemed a bit to close to the neighbor Elisabeth. The critter is an orange tabby and though this is totally Cliche to offer, I think something more like “Tig,” or “Teger,” might have worked to bring, out the image of the Orange tabby into the readers mind.

I thought you took a long time to get to the main point in the story, which is the package itself. You used 298 words, in five paragraphs, before Miriam got the box into her hands. One third of your story, But the plot is not about the trip to the mailbox, it’s about the contents of the box. I understand that maybe you were looking to show us something about Miriam.

Perhaps your thought was about her physical condition, or a personality quirk with her interaction with Elisabeth. However, what if you had taken a more direct approach, say something like instead of her going to the mailbox. Have the mailman, (Sorry, I am a baby-boomer, I hate the politically correct term of letter-carrier,) knock on the door and deliver it straight into her hands. You could have used the words you would save, to tell more storyline and still stay inside your word count. I also would have suggested this shorter approach, because I didn’t see much that was germane to the plot in the trip to the mail box, nor the interaction with Elisabeth the neighbor. These parts seemed like they were filler or fluff.

Just for kicks, would something like this have work for your vision? It’s a 112 word alternative approach saving you 186 words.



With something more like the above, you would now have the object of the story ready to be dealt with. Perhaps you could go on to show the age of the package right then too, by having the mailman say something like:



There are little inconsistencies; like you addressed the cat by ‘kitty’ instead of its name Liza, it felt uneasy. I never use a generic moniker for a pet that I know its name. That is I don't without adding a few choice adjectives like; (“Get out from under-foot you stupid cat.)

I noticed a bit of that dreaded ‘Show don’t tell’ issue. This is the bane of my existence, my detractors (Oh, sorry I meant mentors.) tell me I must work on S.D.T in my own stories. I think a bit more use of the senses would have brought the story more alive and brought out more emotion.

I also think you could have used the letter from John more deftly. It would have plied itself very easily to letting him tell more of the story about Robert, instead of doing it with narrative.

Now, for the biggest issue, if it is truly going to wear a romance tag, a key and crucial element for the romance genre is a ‘happy-ending’. It seems that all readers of romance expect this trait. This story felt sad and incomplete.

Wow, your work did exactly has it should have! It sparked my imagination. I could send you my ideas in a never-ending letter. (I applaud you for sticking it out this long.) But what value would they be. You have long since forgotten the contest. Monday morning quarterbacks, never get the play wrong. It’s not hard to paint the Mona Lisa, if your are standing in front of it in the Musee du Louvre in Paris. So, I will close with a simple well done, don’t take anything as negative. My view is sometimes tempered by different colored glasses. If I was able to spark any useful thoughts for you, than I did my job. (It’s okay if that thought is, “Wow, next time, I see this guy in my mailbox, I need to just hit delete!”).

I look forward to reading some more of your work,