Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS HOLIDAY AUCTION. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


TITLE: WITHIN THE WITCHING HOUR Title is effective, interests the reader to find out about what happens within that specific time.



THEME: A teenager's dare becomes a nightmare experience.

STRUCTURE: I found the structure to be a bit uneven. The story seemed to jump about a bit and it was difficult to follow exactly where the girl was.
She also does not appear to have a name, unless I overlooked it. Giving her a name would add to her personality. She seems to be not too easily scared. She is the only one of her friends that does not believe in the "haunting." She is the heroin of the story, but I find the lack of definite identification of her makes her only of average importance to the story. We do not know what she looks like, how old she is or any other point of information. It is true that in first person, we would not talk about ourselves, but her friends could reveal a lot about her in their comments. This would give your lead character more depth. The reason I feel she should be more amplified is becuase the results of her entering the house are traumatic. We need to see her as feisty, which she appears to be, far more than what you hint at here.

"Nothing new for kids. That’s just what we do."
I would omit 'That's just what we do.' It is not necessary to move the story along.

"The little bell above the door jingled as I pushed it open."

At first I was not certain where this door led. Perhaps you may say, 'The little bell above the diner door . . .'

"Steph, Kelly, and Lisa continued to watch me as I came down the isle. I tossed them a little a wave as I walked toward them."

It is difficult to write in first person narrative. You must keep in mind that everything is happening now. While this sort of writing amplifies the action, it must be remembered to continue in first person. The above sentence goes from first to second. I would chose one POV and continue in that method.
You could remedy this by stating something like: 'Steph, Kelly and Lisa continued to watch me as I came down the isle. Tossing them a little wave, as I walk toward them."
Thinking about the ending and the fact that this girl does not get out to be free and tell her tale, you might want to re-consider the POV.

“It’s about time you got here,” said Steph. She was the ringleader . . ."

In keeping with the POV, you should say, '. . .says Steph. She is the ringleader'

Unless the girls are talking about something that occured, the POV should remain the same throughout the narrative. I will not highlight every instance where the two tenses become conflicting. Look through and find these places and make a decision as to whether you want first person narrative, or past tense.

“How can you stand being around that little psycho?” Lisa asked.
“It’s not by choice.”
“Well, I think your mom should have stopped while she was ahead.”
“I wish she would have. That little brat gets on my nerves.”

I do not know why you set your dialogue in blocks like this. Each line of dialogue should be separated with a line in between. As long as the dialogue is interesting and moves the story along, don't worry about the space it takes up.


Raising her voice enough to be heard over the bickering, Lisa said, ”Hold on. Wait a minute. If Julie doesn’t want to do it, then you can’t make her. We should draw straws to see who will go. It’s the only fair way.”
“Thanks Lisa. but I’ll go ahead and do it. I don’t believe what everyone else says.”

The dialogue in this paragraph should be on a separate line. "Hold on . . ." on one line and "Thanks Lisa." on a separate one.

Here at last this girl has a name. You do not use it and that is a problem when in first person. Perhaps you could use it a few more times in the story so that the girl's name will be remembered. She could start the story telling us her name, or the evil entity could use it when she interacts with Julie. That would be chilling; how would this 'thing' know her name?


"The waitress came over during our conversation and took our orders, and brought our sodas."

Use the word: 'then' in place of 'and' brought our sodas. Otherwise it looks as though the waitress had the sodas all time and didn't need the order to be made.

"We had decided that the best time to go would be midnight. That’s supposed to be the best time."

Omit the last sentence so that it reads: We had decided that the best time to go would be midnight;the witching hour.
Using a semi-colon will join the two sentences and be more expedient.

"When all of those nasties were suppose to come out to play."

This is a sentence fragment. Either join it with the previous sentence, or omit this.

"In front of the house was a large bush. We stopped there and went over the game plan once again."

Just a reminder about your point of view. In the first person these sentences should read: 'In front of the house is a large bush. We stop here and go over the game plan once again.'

"In front of the house was a large bush. We stopped there and went over the game plan once again.
“Now remember,” Steph whispered, “after you go in, go up the stairs, and it’ll be the first door on the right"

There should be a space between these sentences.

" . . . full moon rise up further into the sky . . ."

Omit the extra space between 'further' and 'into'.

"Once on the inside, the darkness closed in on me. I felt a strange heat flow through my body, and a feeling of excitement mixed with fear."

This sentence serves as a perfect vehicle for me to illustrate the importance of the first person POV. If re-written in the first person, the action is made much more immediate and the tension builds.
IE: 'I am inside the house; the darkness closes in on me. I feel a strange heat flow through my body. It is mixed with a feeling of excitement and fear.

"A part of me hoped that tonight would be a failure."
This sentence is in direct conflict with the one above it where the girl decides that "this is my destiny."

"The light from the moon lit my way as it came in through a window."

Try: The moonlight lit my way as it shone through the window. The two forms of the word 'light' bogged the sentence down a bit.

"When my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could find my way."

Either the moon showed her the way, or it was too dark and the flashlight did. Chose one point of illumination.

"To one side, a sink surrounded by cabinets that snaked around the walls ending with a stove on one end, and a refrigerator on the other. In the middle of the room is a table surrounded by four chairs. I walked past the it to the door on the other side of the room."

This description threw me. I thought, from the beginning of the story that this was a deserted, haunted house. It is not; it is inhabited. Wouldn't this give Julie pause?

" . . . when I heard a noise that sounded different from the normal sounds of a house."

I know that you referred earlier to the creaks and groans old houses make, and that they did not upset this girl. However, since she does not live in this house, there is no way that she would know what are 'normal' noises and what are not.

"In the center of the table, a vase of what looked to be fresh flowers. I could smell them as I walked around the table to the open doorway of the next room."

If she could smell the fresh flowers, there is no need for the phrase, 'what looked to be'.

"Each room looking just as you would expect."

This sentence weakens the mystery. No, we do not know what to expect and making this room too ordinary takes away some of the tension we need here. She is walking through an unknown home, invading someone's privacy and the reader should be kept on the edge of their chair. Nothing should be as expected.

"From what I saw, it looked like any other house I’ve ever been in."

Changing this sentence to first person will answer the question that nothing was strange as far as she could see, and amplifies the tension.
Try this: 'What I see is a room like any other room in any other house.'

"When I finished my search of the house . . ."

She has only searched down stairs, so say: 'When I finish my search on the ground floor . . .'

"Steph’s instructions were clear about where I was supposed to go after I got to the top."

Try the word 'landing' instead of 'top' to end this sentence.

"The end of the road, if you will. The final chapter."

Omit the phrase, 'if you will' and join the two sentences with a semi-colon.

"The second floor came into view as I took each step."

Omit this sentence, she's already at the top.

"I moved away from the top of the stairs. Out of anybody's view just in case they looked up this way. I took a few long breaths, and looked down the stairs. I couldn't see anything moving in the shadows. I still waited in the quiet to make sure. A couple of minutes must have gone by. I had to get moving. I didn't have time to waste on imagined bumps in the night."

I understand that she is brave, that she does not give in to superstition and foolish ideas, but she is in someone's home illegally. I believe she would have more of an urgent reaction here. Perhaps she hurries now to ihe room that she needs to be in for the signal. This reaction that she protrays is not natural.

"For some reason the light from the moon was brighter in this room than any of the others."

Omit the first part of this sentence, "For some reason". Begin with: 'The light from the moon was brighter in this room than any of the others.' I picture a large window constructed for this purpose so that the full moon's light can come beaming through. Many rituals are conducted under the fool moon and this fact adds foretelling that something is not as it seems. Especially, if you chose to have Julie use a flashlight in all the other rooms, instead of moonlight.

"On the shelves were all kinds of jars. Every size you could think of. Each one with a small label stuck on it."

Try to shorten these sentence by joining these facts all into one. It helps in first person to keep the statements short and to the point. Remember, immediacy is what you are after to heighten the suspense.

IE: 'Jars of every size and shape lined the shelves. Each one bore a small label.'

"The floor looked like some kind of stone material. It felt hard under my feet."

Instead of saying that the floor is 'hard under my feet,' which all flooring is any way, describe the stone. She is in a room lit by bright moonlight. The colors may be muted, but the actual description of the floor should be evident.

"I thought about the rooms from downstairs, and tried to remember what room was below this one."

Omit the word 'from' and change the word 'was' to 'is', so that it reads something like this: 'I think about the rooms downstairs trying to remember which room is below this one.'

"Stone would be too heavy to be safe up here and I didn’t remember a room below this one at all."

To the contrary, stone would not be too heavy. There are all types of stone tiles that may be placed in any room these days. And in the past, especially in Europe, stone floors were common.

"Beside it stood an old worn looking stool."

Omit the word 'old'.

"I needed to get this over with and get out of here. My imagination starting to get the better of me. If I stayed here much longer, I would be running out the door screaming."

This statement has already been made. It detracts from the story rather than moves it along. Also, the statement about running out of the house screaming is logical and the reader wonders why she has not done so already. To heighten this character's personality, omit this idea.

"When I turned around to walk back through the room, I felt a hand on my back shoving me forward. I lost my balance and fell. The whole world stopped as I watched myself falling head first into the fire pit. I heard a loud crack, as my head slammed into one of the rocks just before everything went black."

Look at this paragraph in first person narrative and see how it amplifies the action.

'When I turn to walk back through the room, I feel a hand on my back which shoves me forward. I loose my balance and fall. The whole world stops as I watch myself plunge head first into the fire pit. I hear a crack as my head slams into the surface of the pit. Everything goes black!'

I have changed some of the wording, but you see the action more clearly when the first person is used.

"How in the world did I think I could see anything in the dark?"

But, there is bright moonlight. And, someone pushed her, she would remember that.

"After I got my head wrapped, I started trying to feel around. It was cold and damp causing my body to shiver. My fingers shook as I felt the cold stones that were under me. I felt as far as I could reach, but I didn’t feel anything but the cold around me."

Here again, you have forgotten the moonlight, unless you state that the moon has set and now the room is in total darkness. After all, she was unconscious and this would make sense.

"It grew little by little until I could make it out to be a doorway."

Here is an excellent opportunity for you to enlarge on the suspense. Have the person open the door, a little at a time so that the light will be thrown on a larger space gradually. Have the girl see things more clearly and really become afraid, especially when she sees the thing's face. Everyone in this situation would have extreme anxiety, even this stallwart young lady.

"It seemed to get bigger as I watched it get closer."

Omit 'It seemed to get bigger. Try: 'I watch the figure draw closer.'

"In the small amount of light from the doorway . . ."

Re-think the amount of light coming through. Can she see anything? Can she see all? You seem to go back and forth with the amount of light and this is confusing to the reader.

"It wore a long black dress or a cape with Its long, knotted hair all over its head."

Omit the word 'long' in one of these instances. Also I think the word 'matted' for her hair would give a clearer picture of this "person's" appearance.

"I thought that maybe when I hadn’t come back out, that they must have gone for the police or some other help."

Make it clearer who the girl is referring to. At fist I did not understand the sentence, but once I thought about it in context it was clear.

"It must have read my mind because it spoke to me in a high-pitched voice. “Your friends won’t be saving you. Nobody can save you.”
“Who are you? Why are you doing this? Please let me go.”

Why? What has been done to her friends that they will not report her missing or worry about where she is?

"I looked around hoping they were gone."

Who? The foul smelling person, or the stench? Make this clearer.

"It caught and stopped my progress about 10 feet from the door."

Suppose that this young lady is between five foot four and five foot five, an average height for a teenaged girl. If she lay down and stretches her body, she may be able to reach another foot and a half to two feet. Ten feet is too long a distance for her to reach. It would also add to the tension if her fingertips could just touch the door or torch with their tips. This would add to the character's frustration and to the tension.

"From what I could tell, rock surrounded the room top to bottom. No windows and just one heavy looking, wooden door."

Was the girl changed to another room after she passed out? Because this description does not match the other room. If so, state that so the reader is not confused and thinks that you have forgotten what the room looks like.

" . . . into what seemed to be my new home."

Omit this. The last thing this young woman would think this place to be is her 'new home'.

"I told myself that I would not scream. I would not give whoever was behind this cruelty the satisfaction."

Her determination and spunk vary so often the reader does not know if she is brave, foolhardy or frightened.

"I looked at the door and a face stared at me through the window."

You should state that the door had a window earlier. I thought that someone was looking at her through the window on the wall.

"Oh my God, the pain. My mind cried out. All I could do was scream. The pain of all of those rats gnawing the flesh from my bones became unbearable. I barely heard the cackles of laughter over my screams. My throat hurt and tears were running down the sides of my face onto the floor. The gnawing of the rats followed me through to the end of my life. Who’s to say how long it took. It seemed like a lifetime to me."

This ending passage is confusing. Was she dreaming about being in the hospital bed, or about being consumed by rats?


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: I did find some errors in these catagories:
"Steph, Kelly, and Lisa continued to watch me as I came down the isle."

There is no need for a comma after Kelly. The word 'and' is inclusive.

“Thanks Lisa. but I’ll go ahead and do it."

Place a comma after the word 'thanks'.

"I eyes darted all around the room, taking in everything."

I am sure you meant, 'my' eyes.

"Past the stool, what I thought looked like a fire pit."

Incomplete sentence.

" . . . substance in my hair surrounded by a large Bump. "

Bump should not be capitalized.
“This isn’t funny,” I yelled at them. “I’m hurt bad and I need a doctor now!”

"This wasn’t some game that the girls were playing with me. This is something else."

Tense change.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: My overall impression of this story is that you have a very good premise. It is interesting and entertaining. However, the many changes in character traits and tenses slow it down.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite thing about this story is the lead character. I think she could be played up to be a really strong person who only falls victim when she realizes this is not a trick perpetrated by her friends.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Watch your POV. Make the corrections suggested and let me know if you decide to do so. I would love to read this if you revise.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie