Hello R.H.N.,

I want to give you the best most thorough review I can, since you take such great care with the reviews you give. I am going to do a line-by-line review giving my thoughts and editing suggestions while I read along in hopes I don't miss anything.


It was past mid night midnight; Laura was working late in her office. The council of the protectors had asked her to gather all the information she could find about “Azhan Lake.” She had no choice but to comply for, it wasn't just for curiosity but also to save her job and position in the Council. She had lost ten of her protégés to that lake. (Great opening. I am hooked. Anyone would want to know how ten people were lost.)

She removed her glasses, arched her back, leaned her head backwards, and yawned. Why all of the young people who had died showed they had died of old age, even though they all had been in their twenties. She wondered.She wondered (The problem with what she is thinking is that no one thinks to themselves in those words. It sounds like you are thinking this just for the sake of the reader. It is not convincing.

Put yourself in that situation. What would you be thinking to yourself if ten young friends of yours were found in a lake suddenly aged. I doubt you would be that formal with your thoughts. I think I would have some expletives in there and much more emotion.)

"Help me!" a whisper that sprinkled grit between the bones of her spine, grating against them and sending icy cold tendrils of pain through her body. (That is a mighty loud whisper.)

She rose from her chair and turned around thinking certain she was alone. She could see nothing except the tall buildings through the huge window.(More dramatic if she is certain she is alone but then hears someone talking to her that isn't there.)

I must be tired enough to imagine things.I must be exhausted. I'm imagining things. She thought.(Again, no one thinks to themselves like this. Maybe, she would think to she is imagining things but her inner dialog would not sound so detached.)

"Laura, please I'm dying!" A soft urgent whisper came from behind her.(All whispers are soft it goes without saying.)

She froze, changing her mind about her imagination.

"Who are you?” she said trying to convince herself that she was imagining things. (This is good. Much more believable.)

For a brief moment she allowed herself to hope that nobody would answer and that she would go home to her husband and everything would be fine in the morning. However, a voice responded at once, a weak, unstable voice that sounded as though it were dying.

Max, LauraMax. I've no time to explain, Laura. I’m near Azhan Lake; could you please come and pick me up?” (Having both names together like that is confusing. I would break them up like so.)

Laura sat on at her desk again grabbing a map of Azhan lake she marked all the routes leading to Azhan lake and places that Max could be lost in.

"No, this won't work! Can you at least tell me where exactly you are?” Laura asked looking aroundperiod; she went on in an unsure voice, "Max.Max? Are you there?” she asked unsure, but there was no answer.

Grabbing up her notes and the map, she ran to her car wondering if Max already had been was already lost to the lake. She checked all the routes to the lake, finding neither Max nor any sign of anyone. Giving up the search after two hours, she returned home to sleep hoping the voice and messages were only in her imagination. (I know she is tired but two hours doesn't seem like long to search.)

* * *

The ringing woke Steve from a pleasant dream. He rolled over and snatched up the phone before it could disturb his wife Laura. The voice on the phone was hoarse and pleading.
“Come and get.ellipse... I'm lost somewhere near Azhan Lake.” Then phone went silent.(Somewhere is an unnecessary word. Near implies somewhere. I think the voice would be as concise as possible given the circumstance.)

Steve swung jumped out of the bed and began dressing. (Swung makes it sound like he is sleeping in a hammock or tree.)

"Hun.comma What'swhat's going on?” Laura said asked in a sleepy voice.

"nothingNothing sweet-heart sweetheart, go back to sleep.” Steve replied.

Laura sat up on the bed dabbing at her eyes with her knuckles trying to open them.
“Why are you getting dressed?” she paused. “Going somewhere?”

"Err – ellipse... yes Maxwell, your partner at work is lost somewhere near Azhan lake.” Steve said dressing. “I didn't want to wake you up because you came in from work late and sleepy...dash or comma plus I know that you can’t tolerate the guy.” (Tolerate is very proper English. I think most Americans would say "can't stand the guy." either is correct.)

Laura remembered the whispers in her office, and her job concerning Azhan Lake.
“Wait you can't go there alone. The lake is dangerous.” She continued, “Besides, I was asked by the Council to research the lake and find out why anyone who drinks, or swims in it dies.”

"Well, if we are late, then your hated enemy arch rival would be dead. Right?” Steve said with a smirk on his face. (Hated enemy is fine but again it sounds formal and awkward. Maybe...just rival or nemesis?)

"I might hate Maxwell for his twisted ways in getting the job done but it's my duty and yours as human protectors to save his life no matter what.” Laura got out of bed and started dressing.(What is the deal with the protectors and the council? By this point I am really curious about who and what they are.)

"Ah, I can see that you can differentiate between your two lives.” Putting his shirt on. “Your secret protector's life and your life as a reporter in at that worthless newspaper.” Steve said as he tied his shoelaces.

"You are just jealous.” Laura shot back as both quickly finished dressing. (Jealous of what? Her job? Or the ability to differentiate between her two roles?)

Laura reached for the map and her notes as Steve grabbed the car keys.

It didn't take Steve long to drive to the contaminated lake-shore. “Damn earth protectors. They should have known someone would eventually die out there.” (No need for the hyphen between lake shore. If Steve came out to find Max alive why is he bringing up the people who died?)

The only light came from the moon that cast a cool glow over the dark lake. Steve and Laura hurried to the shore and began calling out Max's name. No one answered and they saw no signs of their protégée. (You keep using the word protegee it sounds repetitive. Is there another way to describe this person(s)?)

"I think I see something.” Laura shouted and began to run toward running for a dark lump lying on the lakeshore. Steve, with his long legs and stride, passed her and was soon kneeling beside an unconscious Max.

"Oh my God Laura he's soaked!” Steve said then gazed at the lake. “Do you think it's from the lake?” (Why would he sound so surprised that an unconscious man at the lake would be wet? It sounds pretty reasonable to me.)

"Do you see any other kind of water around?” Laura said in disbelief. (Good job. That totally redeems it. Disregard the above comment. )

"No. Do you know how to save him?”

"Not sure, maybe I’ll find something in my notes.” She ran towards to the car and reading the notes grabbing her notes, she saidread. “Azhan Lake was created by the earth protectors to make human protectors like us suffer the loss of their charges by seeing them age to deaththe rapid onset of age, the only thing that human protectors can't save or interfere with is aging.” (This raises several questions for me. First, who wrote these notes? If Laura wrote them she would already know about the lake. If the council wrote them they wouldn't need her to gather information on the lake. Also, what is the difference between the earth protectors and human protectors? Is the council made up of both or either? If the council has earth protectors on it, again, they wouldn't need Laura to investigate the Lake. Also, why do earth protectors what human protectors to suffer? Are they are war?)

"Is there a cure for this process?” Steve shouted.

"Well, I think the Protector’s Service is making a healing rock that prevents aging. It is being made for healing early cases of agingto cure the onset of rapid aging cases. It was originally made to heal Progeria.” (Why does she think the Protector's Service is making this? Does it tell her that in her notes? Where does this info come from? Also, who the heck is the Protector's Service?)

"Anything better than nothing.” Steve replied. “You go get that rock and I’ll wait with him here.” (I think a CURE(prevents aging) is way better than nothing. That statement sounds inappropriate.

Also, I think a more detailed description of Max might help at this point. Does he have any signs of aging yet? How long does this aging process take to kill you?

This is a great opportunity to build suspense by giving the reader an idea of the time he has left. The less time he has the stronger the sense of urgency, thus more dramatic.)

Laura drove to the protector's service(You capitalized this earlier) and went directly to the experimentation lab, where Drew was there working. (Who is Drew? Can we have just a hint of how they know each other? Are they simply colleagues? Friends? Relatives?)

"Laura what are you doing here thatin my lab this late, and in my lab?” Drew asked.

"I'm looking for the rock that heals Progeria.” Laura answered.

"I thought you were assigned by the council to research Azhan Lake not to research a rock that’s still going through tests.” Drew said as she adjusted her glasses. (Drew is a female? Cool. I had always considered that a male name. But now I remember Drew Barrymore so I see it is used as either.)

"Well it's a long story, but if the rock heals Progeria, a disease that causes the young to age then it will heal the effect of the Azhan Lake.” Laura said while searching the shelves for the rock. (Shouldn't she say if it heals Progeria it may heal the effect of the lake?)

"Fine then, you will find it there on the top shelf.” Drew pointed at the rock.

Laura grabbed it and left. (Wow, that was abrupt. No time to even say thanks or goodbye on the way out the door?)

Weird... no thank you! Drew thought. (HAHA! Great minds think alike it seems. That was awesome.)

Returning to the lake Laura found Steve’s hair was changing color and Max’s had turned all white while his formerly smooth-skinned face already was filling with wrinkles. (Oh man, way to up the stakes. Nice job pulling Steve into it.)

"Oh God, Steve. What happened to you?”

"I touched him, that’s all.” Steve paused looking at his hands and the wrinkles appearing on them before going on “I didn't know that touching his wet clothes would have this effect.” (That is some dangerous water. It spreads like an infection. What a great way to increase the urgency and build the suspense. I am really worried now. I hope this rock works.)

Laura put the rock on her husband's face and started passing it through over all the places with wrinkles, until he was healed, then she did the same thing with Max.(Shouldn't she have treated Max first? I mean wasn't he more severely affected? I guess it is not unreasonable for a woman to save the man she loves before a man she hates. hehe)

Max was still unconscious but was fully healed, completely cured. Steve and Laura transported him home, and made sure that he won'twouldn't remember any of it, after all they wouldn't didn't want to endanger their secret identities nor along with the whole protectors’ organization. (When you say "transported him home" do you mean drove him or teleported him?)

This is a very brief ending leaving too many unanswered questions in my mind. It feels too abrupt to me. Also, I think you need to clearly define Laura's protector abilities. You can't just write a story about a world where people have super powers without setting the parameters of the world and the characters. The reader will be lost. Here are some of the things you might want to address.

Where is this story taking place? Is it earth? Who are the human protectors? Who are the earth protectors? (You may want to consider calling them something different rather than two types of protectors. That is rather confusing.) Are they opposed to each other? What are their roles on this world? What are their abilities? How do they become protectors? Appointed? Born? Chosen? Volunteered?

How did Max communicate with Laura initially? Does she have telepathic powers? Does he? Why didn't the other protegees contact her before they died? How are the protegees selected? Are all humans protegees or just certain ones?

What about the phone call? How did he make that call? Why was it cut off? Why was he in the lake? What happened to him at the lake? How many people know about the lake? How is transporting him to his house going to make him forget everything that happened to him? Do Steve and Laura have the ability to erase Max's memories? If so, why not wake him up and ask him what happened? How are they going to protect other people from entering the lake?

Overall, I find this a very interesting concept. I would just like more explanation. Maybe this needs to be a series of stories or at least a much longer story to satisfy all the curiosity. I would plot this story with an outline so as not to miss any loopholes.

I just want to say I thought it was very well written grammatically. Your English is impeccable. I would have never known that it was not your native language if you had not told me. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to write this beautifully in foreign tongue. Well done.

Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful and not overly harsh or judgmental. It is never my intention to offend. I just try to give honest constructive reviews. I liked this story very much. I just want to know more. Thank you for sharing your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



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