Hi Joey, here is the first review as won in the Flower Power Auction:

Review of Prologue.

I hope you find my review helpful. Please remember this is just my opinion and I am learning too.
You asked for me to be as brutal as possible, so I have been. Therefore, please take my critique with a pinch of salt...


Title, description:
I’m going from the short passage in the folder for this story for this section:

“Join Rainey as she finds her way from an ordinary farm girl from nowhere as she calls it.”
I would look at the grammar of this first sentence. Do you need speech marks to indicate a direct quote from Rainey? You need a comma after “nowhere” regardless.

For example:

Join Rainey as she finds her way from “an ordinary farm girl from nowhere,” as she calls it. Does the it at the end of this sentence refer to Rainey? Then it wouldn't be “it”, you would use “herself”. If you use quotation marks, I don't think you need the second part of the sentence. I know this is not part of the actual story, but if you were thinking of using this as part of the over-view for a publisher, I would check it over again.


“Deni-God ”. I don't know if this is a phrase you have changed slightly to fit your world, but the phrase (in this world!) is “demi-god”. If this is a typo, I'd proof-read everything through carefully, you could easily put off readers at this stage, who think they are going to be reading a piece riddled with errrors

Opening Paragraph:
This is a really nice description of fishing, you have set the scene well...but nothing has happened to encourage me to read further~ where is the emotional hook, the promise of conflict to arise? Also, as someone relatively uninterested in, and ignorant of fishing, the use of technical language already has me skim reading.

The main body of writing:

“But there, I couldn’t meet with my fishing partners; now could I?” I’m not sure of the grammar for this one. I don't think you need the semicolon. I’ve just completed the Punctuation Station, and these were the reasons given for the use of a semicolon:
1/To link together two closely related sentences, and where a conjunction is missing.
2/ To separate units of a series where two or more units contain commas.
3/To separate groups of words in a series following a colon.

Clearly, rules 2 and 3 don't apply, but “now could I? Isn't a sentence in it's own right, so I don't think you need the semicolon, just a comma will do.

“With his words, memories of Jed’s youth, so many seasons ago, flashed through his mind: memories of how his own grandfather had to sit and wait on him. “You know its funny how this old life has its little paybacks. Guess he puts them there, so we learn to be more tolerant when we are old and crusty.”

New paragraph needed: “A movement downstream caught his attention. Just to the south, running at break-neck speed, was his other would-be companion. The old one watched as the boy leaped over a fallen tree, seemingly without any effort. He landed on its opposite side, without missing a single stride ”

~This is a nice introduction to the boy. You contrast his movement with the slowness of the old man well here.


Again, I’ve also just did the Comma Sense course, so I’m not sure about the punctuation of the following:

“As he moved toward the rendezvous, Jacob looked up, and saw his Grandfather was already at the agreed upon spot, he moved forward with a new burst of speed and a stone grimace of determination on his face as he continued the race towards the old fisherman. ”

I would do this:

As he moved toward the rendezvous, Jacob looked up(no comma needed) and saw his Grandfather was already at the agreed upon spot. He moved forward with a new burst of speed, and a stone grimace of determination on his face, as he continued the race towards the old fisherman.

“As he watched the boy moving toward him, Jed said, as much to himself as to the wisp that hovered beside him, “I wonder if he is… ready. You would not think so to look at him, now would you? To the unknowing eye, he would appear a tall and lanky child; he looks as though he should be playing husk-ball instead of testing for the role of Keeper. Yes, that is until you see him run!” ”

Again, I’m not sure you need a semicolon here.

After-all : no dash needed, it is just two words: after all.

Jed has an old-world way of speaking. For me, he puts the story back into olden times, or that classic fantasy world period of the pre~technological age. You have kept his way of speaking consistent through this whole section, and used dialogue well to move the story on, introduce the idea of Jacob's elven heritage, and hint to the relationship of Jed and the wisp.

“The youth stopped beside Jed and threw down his bait basket and lunch hamper, he unwound the line on his fishing pole and said, “Hi Grandfather, sorry I am late, but father wouldn’t let me come until I completed every last chore on the farm. You’d think the world would come to an end if I didn’t muck out a few stalls until after supper.”” ~ speech usually has a new paragraph, and the prose following it also have a new paragraph.

The only thing that jars me here, is the use of “hi”. That is a modern, informal word that doesn't fit with the formal “grandfather” and “father” or the olden times you have set the story in. “Good evening, Grandfather”, or “Apologies, Grandfather” or something more formal would work better here.

“due-diligence ” two separate words, no dash needed.

“I am also happy to see, that he is passing the virtue on to you. ” No comma needed.

“I mean isn’t catching some food for the table as important?” ” - comma needed after “mean”~ although again, “I mean” is a modern, informal phrase, is it needed here, where your language is more old~fashioned?


““Well, I am not sure how many fish we will be catching with you, jumping all around, and making so much noise.” ” No comma needed after “you”.
“‘The Red mud’?” ” The Red Mud.

““Oh I guess that explains its nick-name, the Blood River; it’s because it is so dark red. Jacob gave a dismissive shrug with his shoulders, “My teacher at school says the color comes from the dirt washed in upstream.” ”

Eek! “I guess” DEFINITELY doesn't fit here, it's far too modern. Also, you need to proof read and make sure you end the spoken word with speech marks.

““And how(comma needed) pray tell, do you think that eroding ground got so red: did she, tell you that?” asked Jed, as his brow furrowed showing his disapproval of his grandson’s unquestioning acceptance of their crude science.

“I don’t know; we have not got(not gotten sounds uneducated, which is not consistent with the boy so far) to that part of the lessons, maybe it is from the fires of the mountain volcanoes, or I guess you will tell me, that it’s just the way the Maker wanted it to look?" ”

“OK ”~ again, seems to modern for this piece.

“He taught me that maybe I should keep an open mind about the so-called facts. ” this is a very modern sentence, and doesn't fit with Jed's language so far. Perhaps something more like:
“He taught me I should keep my mind open to the truth of such “facts”.”

“test tubes.” According to my quick google search, test tubes were not invented until the early 1800's, and then only available for rich scientists. I had imagined this story set in a such earlier period than this.


““Tyrangson, was You’re Grandfather, my great grandfather, and her son? ” This doesn't make sense after reading it a few times. Why does your have a captial? “Her son”~ who's son? Who is she?

“Wasn’t he the one who they called the Crazy Old High Wizard?” Eek, totally modern American! Doesn't fit here at all...

At this point in the story, there is still no emotional hook, nothing to really draw me in. An old man in this grandson are talking...but there is nothing to make me excited, curious or emotionally attached the any character. We have not heard from Rainey at all...I need some action!



“It was many millenniums ago that the Great Titans came here to our world of Novatus Prime. They were one of the Makers favorite creations and had spent countless eons at his side, until one day the Maker reached out to stroke one of his pets, but the creature bit him. The Maker realized that living continuously in his presence and being subservient to his will was not suitable for his favorite companions. Therefore, he sent them to this world, where they could be unencumbered and have free will, so they could learn again to love him, not because they must, but rather do so by choice.”

This all sounds very Christian, and not very original. The idea doesn't challenge me, in fact, seems a little lazy. The idea of being subservient and loving the master does not make sense, except in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way, and doesn't fit with the picture of the wise old man. I am also now unclear as t the time period of this piece “Novatus Prime” sounds like futuristic science fiction, whereas everything so far has seemed like it was set in the past, especially with the talk of elven blood.

You also do not explain why the Maker did not intervene in this war between his beloved creatures. You cannot rely on your readers accepting a Christian dogma to explain this away. This is your world, you must explain the actions of your characters. As with the line “Those tears came down from heaven to cleanse them of their sin, “ you have not mentioned sin thus far, and this seems to be getting confused with Christian, Jewish and Islamic dogma. Try to think of some original reasons for the actions of your characters.

You description of the battle field is excellent. You paint a very vivid scene here.

“mind numbing”~ again modern phrasing that seems out-of-character.

You end this Prologue nicely, and set the scene for the first chapter.


Signposting:

I would read through anything by Joseph Campbell for plot writing- check out :

http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/ref/summary.html

Campbell worked closely with Lucas writing the original Star Wars films and they used the Hero's Journey to great success!

For help structuring and writing a story, you can download for free : yWriter5 and Storybook. There is also the Snowflake method, which costs about £30. All help you get to know your plot and characters really well. Freemind is a free mindmapping programme you can help to go crazy with ideas, links and plot twists
I also use http://www.wordle.net/create . It shows graphically all the words you use, so if something is over-used, it's huge on the screen.


Overall impression and reason for my rating:

Overall, I thought this piece has a great deal of potential. I have mostly picked fault as that is what you asked for, but you have a great descriptive power, and use dialogue very well within the story.
Some of the dialogue was inconsistent, and I am confused as to what time period you are writing in.
You have made a nicely rounded character with both Jed and Jacob.
I know this is just the prologue, and a lot of information has been given, but there was no real hook, no emotional draw for me, which makes it hard for e to care about the characters, well-drawn as they are. There was no conflict, which is so important for the beginning of a story.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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