This is an important piece that tells a very inspiring story. I want to give this story a thorough review so I am going through it line-by-line and giving you my thoughts as I read it. Please, don't think I am being rude or insensitive I just want to help you make this piece the best that it can be because it has a very important message.


I am going to show you a picture of how greatness comes. This first sentence should set the tone for the whole piece. You are promising to show the reader a picture so you need to deliver. This story should be told with vivid imagery not mere words. You need to paint those pictures for the reader with your descriptions. It took a little flash powder, a new (chemical substance) fangled deviceFangled device makes flash powder sound like a gadget or machine. to photograph dark areas where you ordinarily could not take pictures. Here you could tell the reader just a bit more about flash powder. How it was discovered. Maybe, how dangerous it is to create. How it is literally an explosive.

America in 1889 had substantial areas in the inner city where people lived in squalor. How much is substantial? Was it the majority of the city? A third? A tenth? Indoor plumbing was a rarity. You did your business in the basement or back lot. Filth coated the streets. There seemed to be no end in site. What does this mean,"no end in sight?" I find this sentence distracting and not really informative. This is an opportunity to put your reader there in the filth riddled streets. Show why there doesn't seem to be any hope, "no end in sight."

He came to the ghettos of New York with his camera (to take pictures.) I think the sentences needs the "to take pictures" added for a lead into the next sentence. Take pictures is exactly what Joseph Riia did. He saw ten families stuffed into one apartment. Describe what this looks like. Show the reader the picture. The city’s upper and middle classes were horrified. Why were they horrified? What did they see? The reader needs to know. In order to for the reader to be horrified as well I need to see what they saw. You have probably heard the expression, “How the other half lives.” That was the title of his book. You need to distinguish the differences between how the two halves live. Right now it is all just words, you promised me pictures.

His book changed New York. Codes for building changed. Indoor plumbing g became code(mandatory). The use of codes and code so close together sounds repetitive and awkward. Tenements were torn down. The process didn’t just stop in New York. Legislation passed across the nation and the face of the nation changed. How? Again, I want pictures. Describe to me how visually things changed. At least their eyes stopped watering because their city stunk so bad. You are missing a lot of periods at the ends of your sentences.

Can indoor plumbing and citywide sewers make greatness? You tell me. The purpose of this piece is to inform, so tell if indoor plumbing is really a great thing. Consider the alternative. The city stunk. How did it smell? Lots of things stink, they are not all bad. Diseases were rampant. Was that all, mostly or only partly do to the sewage problem. The reader needs to see the connection for it to be real. Her people define a nation, and thanks to change, they were doing better. Her who? New York? The nation? The Lady Liberty? If so you have not mentioned the Statue of Liberty once, so why allude to it now? That pronoun use is confusing, to me at least.

If someone used flash powder and took a picture of our American Soul today, what would they see? Soul? The story is taking a turn in meaning right here. Would they see squalor and increasing violence? Violence? Where did this come from? What does this have to do with indoor plumbing, sewage and rampant disease. This story has just gone from being about how one man shining light on a sanitation issue brings about monumental improvements nationwide, to suddenly being a morality issue about violence and souls? Towards the end of the Roman Empire, the games in the coliseum were at their worst. What does the Roman Empire have to do with anything? The reader doesn't care about that. You have to stay focused on the story at hand. Don't confuse the reader with too many messages.

Most empires crumble from within. Again, I thought this was a story about greatness. The greatness created thanks to one man's vision. The problems that his vision brought to light and the nations greatness in overcoming those problems. We should hope for better from ourselves. I thought we are better. Didn't this story just say we changed as a nation? I can’t build an empire, but I can build myself. I think the word you want here is "change" not build. It takes a lot of looking and a lot of flash powder. This sentence makes no sense in the context of building. I totally understand the message you are trying to convey here but I don't believe it goes with the overall of message of greatness you started out portraying. You start out talking about this great man Joseph Riia and his mission to show the world the plight of New York. Then towards the end you get off track and want to send a different message. The 'man in the mirror' message that if we want to change the world we have to first change ourselves then we will be a great nation of people.

The only one who has to read your story is you. Be sure to look at the pictures. I think I understand what you mean here but it is rather unclear. If we use Joseph Riia as an example, and we look at our life pictures the way he took pictures of the life of New York, then we might achieve the greatness he achieved someday. It is a very inspirational message but it almost gets lost in the translation.

As I said before, I hope you don't think my review is overly harsh. I mean no disrespect and I have no wish to offend you in anyway. I just want this story to be as great as I think it can be. This is the type of story that can quite literally open peoples eyes and hearts. This is a story that can inspire people to change for the better. It should honor the Joseph Riia for the great man he was and the service he did our nation. I think you picked a wonderful topic.

I believe with a little attention to detail and description of the photos you promised that this story could be truly awesome. You have a powerful story to tell so use powerful images to tell it. I hope you find this review helpful. Thank you for sharing such an important historical event.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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