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 Review #3516671 |
| Hello, Keaton! This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. Please remember, this is just my opinion - submitted for your consideration. I hope you find some of my input helpful!  My overall impression of the piece The story is set in a rickety carnival that sounds like it has seen better days. A ringleader steps up to announce the "Freak Show," where his son Edwin, said to be a giant, will be making a spectacle of himself. Favorite things about this piece Very unique idea - almost the entire piece is told through dialogue with the ringleader announcing the show. You set up the scene pretty well in the beginning, giving the whole thing that creepy, unwholesome feel  Technical/Corrections  The first thing I want to point out is that the ringleader's dialogue had no quotation marks  In the beginning of the piece, it starts out with rhyming lines. I am unsure if this was intentional or not - but it gives it an odd feel to read something in story form (rather than in poem form) that starts rhyming for a few lines, then stops. Almost like it really wanted to be a poem And that is something you might consider as well, is trying to continue on with the rhyming thing and make it into a poem - it could be a fun experiment! Things to consider In my opinion, the ringleader is telling his customers a little too much. It doesn't seem realistic that someone who is trying to generate business for his carnival would tell people that he is exploiting his own son, holding the fact that he gave him life "over his head like a ton of bricks." Realistically, wouldn't that drive people away? As well, he reassures the potential paying customers that Edwin is gentle and will not harm them - but in a carnival, that element of danger would likely spur people on. Not knowing whether the giant would crush their skull in or pose for a picture - this is more likely to get people into the freak show. The thrill! Although you start to paint the picture of a run-down carnival, I have to admit that it fell flat. There is so much more that can be done to get the reader inside this scene. I see that it's a flash fiction piece, and I know that word count is important. To get around this, I would suggest perhaps cleaning up the ringleader's dialogue (comments on this above) to give you more words to use in your description. Another thing you might want to do is, instead of giving the entire description all at once and then having the ringleader give his speech, you could feed the reader a little bit of description here and there - letting him speak for a few lines, then adding in a little bit of atmosphere, then having him start back up again. This can give the reader a constant reminder of where the story is set.  Thank you for sharing your story. I absolutely love reading flash fiction - it's fascinating to see so much packed into such a short piece. I'd love to see this story as it evolves! Drop me a line if you decide to revise it. Happy writing!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . Beka ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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You responded to this review 05/13/2011 @ 6:38pm EDT