Lily had tolerated a lot of Barney's hair-brained schemes. The scams, cons, hustles, hoodwinks, gambits, flimflams, strategems, and bamboozle's he used to pick up women in the past.
But the latest chapter of his playbook took things too far and gave Lily the perfect opportunity to teach her friend a lesson.
---Playbook Entry # 669---
The Incredible Shrinking Barney
Success Rate- Infinity
Attracts- Sci-Fi Chicks & Tall Bimbos
Requirements- A drug your company acquired in a brutal takeover of a drug lab in North Korea
Prep Time- Ten Minutes
Bummers- Lily
---
"Robin, We have to stop Barney! Before he hurts himself." Lily declared, backing her best friend into a corner to discuss the womanizer's latest addition to the playbook.
"Come on. It's Barney. There's no way he could pull something like that off." Robin laughed, "Oh, look at me, I'm an itty-bitty-Barney. Trying to climb mount Lucania. Haha." Robin laughed.
Lily failed to see what was so funny in Robin's remark. "Who is Lucania?" She asked, confused.
"It's the third tallest mountain in Canada, don't you know?" Robin asked, forgetting that all of her Canadian knowledge went straight over her friend's head.
"Whatever, the point is Barney knows better than to try shrinking himself with some experimental drug. Just cause you sneaked a peek at the playbook. That doesn't mean he's going to try it." Robin assured Lily.
"Yeah, you're right. Barney would have to be an idiot to try that. Some busty Bullard could step on him. Completely by accident." Lily laughed, tabling her concerns for the time being as the two women started discussing all the horrible things that could happen to him at that size.
"Yeah, or that blonde at the bar could sit on him." Robin laughed, picturing Barney struggling to fight off a pair of giant asscheeks.
"Or you might accidentally swallow him up with a shot." Lily laughed, knowing how much Robin enjoyed doing shots of whiskey and tequila when they had Girl's Night.
"Barney could finally live his lifelong dream of climbing a pair of boobs the size of an actual mountain," Robin revealed, letting one of Barney's many secrets from when they were dating slip through her lips.
"Barney wants to climb boobs the size of a mountain?" Lily asked, getting the creeping feeling that Barney might really go through with shrinking himself after all.
"What? No. Where'd you hear that?" Robin laughed, trying to play it off. Unfortunately, the idea was already in Lily's head, and she needed to confirm her suspicions before it was too late.
"I need to head upstairs to the apartment real quick. Marshall asked me to water his law books while he was out of town." Lily said, coming up with a terrible excuse that didn't even make sense. But with a few drinks in her system, Robin was none the wiser to Lily's slip-up.
Lily quickly made her way up to the apartment upstairs. But what she found waiting for her inside exceeded her wildest expectations.
Barney's suit was stretched across the floor, a side effect of his sudden shrinking. No doubt. "Oh no, I'm too late." she thought out loud, scanning the floor for any sign of Barney's person, checking the bottom of her boots to ensure she hadn't crushed her friend by accident with her first step into the apartment.
"Thank god!" Lily sighed, whipping a bead of sweat from her forehead.
"Now, Barney. Come out here this instant! Or I'll make you regret it!" Lily announced, deciding to bring her foot down, literally. She stomped her boot onto the hardwood floors with tremendous power, creating a tremor on par with an earthquake for someone Barney's size.
Meanwhile, Barney was hiding underneath the couch, safe from Lily's stomping feet. For now. "Damn it, Lily! Why you always got to ruin my fun? I should be down at Maclaren's getting my tiny freak on with some giant bimbo right now." Barney announced, wondering how he'd sneak past Lily, who was currently standing between him and the door.
"You're not coming out? Fine! Then I'll come to you." Lily declared, taking her first step on the hunt for the shrunken Barney.
"Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I swear to god Barney, you better run!" Lily boomed, the rumbling of her powerful stomps accentuating every word as she started her taunt.
"Come on, Lily. Why you always got to ruin my fun?" Barney asked himself, unaware that Lily was starting to enjoy this little game of hide & seek they started. She felt like Nancy Archer in Attack of the 50-Foot-Tall Woman, hunting down her husband, Harry, as she stomped through town, crushing cars and ripping the roofs off buildings.
She didn't realize it, but she was having fun.
Barney kept watching from under the couch, following the path Lily's boots took to help him predict her next move, not wanting to get too close to the edges of the couch to avoid the giant woman's attention as her long strides carried her across the room.
Once she was near the bathroom, Barney made a break for the door, running as fast as an inch-tall man could run. However, that was the exact move Lily expected from Barney.
The moment he was out in the open, scurrying away from her like a cockroach, she flew across the room, cutting Barney off with her final step. "Gotcha!" she yelled, towering over Barney as if she were the Statute of Liberty.
At least, that's how Barney saw things from his perspective. On the other hand, Lily felt like she was standing high over a bug she'd just cornered. Never impressed by the lengths Barney would go to just to get laid.
"I've seen you sink pretty low in the past to take advantage of the poor rocket scientists that fall for your hair-brained schemes Barney. But I never thought you could stoop this low. Literally or figuratively." Lily added, lording over her friend now that she had him cornered.
"Look, Lily. I can explain." Barney said, still trying to worm his way out of whatever Lily had planned for him.
"Save it, this play is stupid, and you could seriously get hurt if you aren't careful. Don't you realize? I could crush you like a spider if I wanted to. What do you think the first girl who sees you will do?" Lily asked. Of course, Barney's mind never considered the worst-case scenario. Instead, he only focused on the number of ways that events could follow his perverted fantasies.
"Lily, at least hear me out. At this size, I could..." Barney continued before he found himself promptly cut off again by Lily's booming voice.
"Useless you want me to make good on my threat to step on you. I'd keep quiet if I were you." Lily said, not wanting to imagine all the horrible perverted thoughts going through Barney's mind. It was clear that she needed to teach him a lesson.
Thankfully, Barney had wrapped himself up and presented himself to Lily like a gift on Christmas Day, delivering Lily the perfect opportunity to punish him.
"You know what, Barney? I've been going about this the wrong way. _________________." Lily declared, deciding on the best course of action moving forward.
How will Lily move forward?
1. "You're tiny! Like a bug, so I'll treat you like one." Lily removes her boot and steps on Barney with her moist, socked foot, adhering him to the bottom of her sole, where she planned to keep him for the foreseeable future, putting her boot back on over him.
2. "You act like my kindergarteners, so I'll treat you like one. You, sir. Have earned yourself a time-out." Lily leans forward and scoops Barney off the ground. Before introducing him to the area where he'd spend his time-out. In the back of her panties, with her giant butt.
3. Lily is interrupted by a drunken Robin entering the apartment, giving Barney another chance to hide as the clumsy TV reporter's footsteps nearly leave him flattened like a pancake, forcing Lily to go back on the hunt without trying to alert Robin.
4. Lily willfully brings Barney's shrinking to Robin's attention. Hoping that Barney's Ex-girlfriend would have some amusing idea's to help teach Barney about the consequences that surrounded his actions. What will Robin suggest as punishment?
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