Caroline looks at you and smiles. She then turns to face the judge.
“Your honour, I stand here before you as a loving mother who wants to do something special for my eldest daughter’s 16th birthday. My daughter, Sarah, has always been a huge fan of “Vore Court” on TV and absolutely loves the thought of getting to gobble up a scrumptious little tiny man. She’s 16 next week and having her very own tiny man to eat on her birthday would be something really special that she would always remember for the rest of her life.
“The defendant is a neighbour of ours. He’s always been a close friend to me and my daughters and, as you can see, he does look particularly delicious. I know that Sarah is really fond of him and she’s often told me how much she’d love to eat him one day. Your honour, I’m asking you to find in my favour and reclassify the defendant as food for my daughter. She’s a good girl with an exemplary record at school and I really want to show her how much I love her.”
The judge listens carefully and then replies. “An excellent opening statement. The court certainly looks favourably on such a selfless request. I think your daughters are very lucky to have such a kind and considerate mother. I certainly agree that the defendant does, indeed, look particularly delicious. 16th birthdays are important and it is commendable that you want to do something so special for young Sarah. Although I AM tempted to rule in your favour without wasting any more time, this is a court of law and I am obliged to ensure that we follow due process.” With that, the judge turns to face you.
“You have heard the claimant’s request and you may now respond. I caution you to choose your words with care. I appreciate that these proceedings can be very upsetting for our defendants but we expect you to speak respectfully at all times. If I do not like your tone, I shall have no hesitation in granting the claimant’s request. Now, as a friend of the claimant and her daughters, I expect that you will understand the claimant’s desire to give her daughter a very special birthday treat. You should also feel privileged that young Sarah wants to eat you. What would you like to say at this stage?”
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