"A Problem Page For All!"

Well, approximately eight times. I wasn't exactly taking down tally marks, but I think that was about right. It was mostly a blanket statement, including Rachel and Cherie along with me. What hurt so very, very much was that it was completely out of the blue -- he just completely blew up for no real reason and raged around the house for something like five hours. That hasn't happened in a very long time.

We talked about it some yesterday. Cherie convinced him to go to a public place -- Taco Bell -- so we'd all have an incentive to keep our tempers. I came along, since he seemed to think he had some bone to pick with me (and because Cherie wasn't sure Rachel would refrain from shouting, even in public, and Cherie couldn't stand the thought of that embarrassment). It wasn't exactly fun, but I think the public place helped in us having a quiet discussion (especially since two of Stevie's colleagues came in about halfway through and stayed for quite some time; he wasn't going to make a fuss in front of them, oh no). I don't really feel like I got any resolution, but the thing is, you can't really get resolution out of a situation like this. Stevie won't admit it was all his fault (he did concede that yelling and name-calling is not appropriate); I won't concede that I had any fault in the matter; etc. For me, reconcilliation would consist of him apologising and being truly sorry. That doesn't look like it's going to happen.

I see his side of things, of course. (I always do, which bugs the hell out of me.) He's depressed, he's stressed out, he doesn't really understand how to be a decent father. Considering the horror of his upbringing, he's changed a miraculous amount. I mean, before the other day, I would have said things were fine between us. I no longer have any gender issues with him, no parent-child issues; I would've said that things were going along perfectly swimmingly!

But what gives him the right to act like that? Do I have to forgive him for it? Can I help myself from forgiving? I forgive and forget so easily. Do I need to get some backbone? What's the Christian thing to do? I can't seem to hear God's voice in my head about this, and that bothers me. Usually I feel like I know pretty clearly what God wants me to do. I hate waiting. I hate biding my time. I hate feeling like this could happen again any time and I'd have to deal with it.

Thank you for your concern, my friends! I'll deal, and it'll all turn out okay in the end. It always does. It's just that I wasn't expecting this, and I needed to let off some steam last night. But I really don't feel awful about it -- talking at Taco Bell worked out a lot of my anger, and my post here was one last burst of steam -- and I know I'm strong and I'll weather the storm...even though I'd been hoping the storm was frickin' over already!

I love you all, sweets. Thank you for reminding me that I'm a nice person!

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