Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

It is amazing how much a single object from our childhood can have so much meaning to us throughout life. It is as if we take all of our happy memories and associate them with that object, and then when we touch it, hold it, or even just look at it, it can make us feel good all over again.

What a traumatic thing to have not just your favorite toy, but all of your toys taken away from you -- whether or not you were ready to be grown up. The feelings you must have experienced come across well in this story.
The part that needs work is mainly the mechanics of the writing, not the story itself. (I liked the story)

I found several instances where the subject and verb didn't agree and also where the tense of the verb didn't seem right. There were some sentences that could be reworked to be smoother and tighter. A few sentences just didn't make sense to me and there were a couple misspelled words that spell check wouldn't catch.

Examples:

1) You write: My parents went over to look at some clothes, while my thirteen year old brother Mike and I went into the toy section of the store. I would rather look at some toys instead of waiting for my mother to stop staring at some clothes, which was boring to me.
This could be reworded to save 7 unnecessary words and to correct tense by writing: My parents went to look at clothes, while my thirteen year old brother{c:red(put commas around "Mike") Mike and I went into the toy section of the store. I would rather look at toys than wait for my mother to stop staring at clothes, which bored me. If you use "rather" you need a "than" to connect it to, otherwise just use "instead of" but don't mix the two.

2) You write: I looked around and saw some toys that I thought were interesting. But, when I turned at one corner of one of the toy isles, I noticed a display of several boxes. The boxes all were stacked up to the same height as the aisle next to it, with a picture of the same toy on it. Of course,I was not interested in the pink boxes themselves, but the picture of the toy inside these boxes.

Okay, I realize I am picking apart your first two paragraphs, but since the opening of a story is so important I decided it would be more helpful for me to nit pick here and just give general suggestions for the rest of the story.---
My rewording of this sentence would be: I looked around and saw some toys that I thought were interesting, but when I turned the corner of one of the toy isles, I noticed a display of boxes that were stacked up to the same height as the aisle next to it—which had a picture of the toy on it. Of course,I was not interested in the pink boxes themselves, but in the toy these boxes contained. I still don't like that one sentence but I couldn't figure out what else to do with it, other than delete it and then say Of course,I was not interested in the picture on the pink boxes themselves, but in the toy these boxes contained. See what you think.

3) You write: His mane and tail was the only thing that was real about him. Should be: His mane and tail were the only things that were real about him.

4) You write: “Why did you lie to me,” I answer with a distrusting look on my face. Shouldn't this be a question? “Why did you lie to me?” I ask with a distrusting look on my face.

5) You write: One day, Mike came into my room just to bug me. All I wanted to do with Mike, once he got to my door was to kick him out, but he ended up pushing me back wards making me land on my bed. Along the way, I felt my feet had stepped on something, and breaking it.A few things here just didn't sound right to me. You can't kick someone out unless they are in, so I changed that, and the part about stepping on the toy sounded awkward so I changed that some. I don't think you need to say that you broke what you stepped on, the reader can assume that from the feeling and hearing the cracking sound. Here is my suggested version: One day, Mike came into my room just to bug me. All I wanted to do with Mike, once he came through my door was to kick him out. He pushed me back wards making me land on my bed. Along the way, I felt and heard something crack under my feet.
(continued in next post)