Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

First of all, I really like that last sentence, it didn't sound lame to me at all. It made me teary eyed!

Overall, the story was a good one. I want to know more about this character and what she did that got her into this situation in the first place. You did a great job fitting so much into a short piece. Do you have any plans to expand it?

My suggestions for change are:

1) You write: The car door opened with a click that seemed to disturb the night's silence. You could say The car door opened with a click that seemed magnified in the night's silence.

2) You write: his colors looked faded in the white light of her car, you could say his colors looked faded in the white light from her car, instead.
3) You write: She had not heard her brother's soft steps behind her and spun around, surprised more than frightened at the sudden voice. Could be reworded to She had not heard her brother's soft steps behind her and she spun around, surprised more than frightened , at the sudden voice.

3) You write: "It is so good to see you," she whispered and was dismayed to find tears choking the clichéd sentence. You could say : "It is so good to see you," she whispered and was dismayed to find the cliche choked by tears.

4) You write: Nothing had changed since she left. For a moment she felt like she had never been away. Twelve years seemed to disappear in an instant, and she remembered clearly the night she ran away. She had forgotten many things that happened since that day, most of them deliberately, but right now she felt again like the young woman she had been when she left. There is a lot of mixed tenses in this paragraph. I admit, I have trouble with this myself, so your way may be correct. I think it should be worded like this: Nothing had changed since she had left. For a moment she felt like she had never been away. Twelve years seemed to disappear in an instant, and she remembered clearly the night she had run away. She had forgotten many things that had happened since that day, most of them deliberately, but right now she felt again like the young woman she had been when she left. What do you think?

5) You write: She should have got herself a job, at a store checkout perhaps, or if she was lucky she might have got work as a waitress. It would sound better, and more like the rest of the piece, if you replaced "got" with "found" or "obtained". (I think I have a prejudice against the word "got" )

6) You write: ...despite his obvious frailty pulled her off the chair she was sitting on and swept her into his arms, hugging her tight. You could just cut "she was sitting on" out of that sentence, it is unnecessary wording.

Thanks for submitting this story to "Sunni's Review &Edit - closed" . I enjoy your work!

Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17