Sunni's Review &Edit - closed

 (This message was edited by sunnygal136 on 04-28-03 @ 4:21 pm EDT)

If your purpose was to be disjointed, confusing, thought provoking and amusing...I'd say you were successful! If not, then I just didn't get it

It felt more like a journal entry than a short story, it gave me law suit anxiety (using truth as fiction) and it made me chuckle.

My overall suggestions involve word choice and unnecessary descriptions/words. Examples:

1) You write Yesterday, I was supposed to visit a friend of mine, someone whom I hadn’t seen in months and months. She called me though, long distance, visibly upset. I’m assuming, of course: I couldn’t see her, she was miles and miles away. Audibly upset. Just say months and miles Also I think you could skip the part about being visibly upset and just say the friend was audibly upset in the first place.

2) You write: The last time I saw that friend was this summer. It’s December now.
That same summer, I wrote a story. You could just say During the summer

3) You write: I got on a roll and the story seemed to write itself, and all I had to do was type to let it get written. It would sound better if you just cut the last part off and ended with "all I had to do was type."

4) You write: Just like the elderly lady whose French fries Nicole consumed was still connected to life support systems when her body died, Michael was still connected to his girlfriend when their relationship died. Set off that highlighted phrase with commas. I really liked that sentence, by the way. (though I question whether someone on life support would be getting a diet consisting of french fries, but oh well)

5) You write: Nicole told me about a part of the hospital about which a lot of people don’t know, or at least think. This was structurally awkward. How about something like: " Nicole told me about a part of the hospital which few people think about, or even know exists."

6) You write: There was a body lying upon the metal slab, covered in a blank sheet. How about a stark white sheet ? "blank" just doesn't seem strong enough considering what comes next.

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Writing is an Expression of the Mind and Soul---Sunni17