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| I'm working on ' Show Don't Tell' and ' Dialogue' today. Any thoughts and / or comments appreciated. ------------------------------- Scenario : 30-year-old Janice Martin, who is married to Bob, a 36-year-old blue colloar worker, is no longer happy in her marriage – neither of them is to be frank. Neither is any better than the other; therefore, they just want to quit the marriage once and for all. In this scene, Janice arrived at the restaurant at 5:57 P.M. and has been waiting for Bob to arrive. He walks in late at 6:10 P.M. --he's ten minutes late as usual. ______________ ------------------------------------------------------------ START ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- While sitting in the rear, left booth, and staring out the window impatiently, Janice sipped her tall glass of red sherry, then slammed it back onto the tabletop; immediately, people looked at her. Next, she lit a cigarette, then threw the lighter and the pack on the table, which almost slid to the floor. Afterward, she waved her hand vigorously because the smoke from her rapid puffs lingered about her. “Yes, ma’am,” the waitress asked. “I’m expecting someone who was supposed to be here “– looking at her phone – “for six. Once he arrives …” “I’ll bring him right over ma’am.” The waitress said and handed Janice a menu. Smiling contemptuously, “Thank you.” While the waitress was walking away, Janice glanced past her at the door. “It’s a miracle!” she yelled, “you’re only ten minutes late.” “I forgot my phone at work and went back for it,” Bob said while lighting a cigarette. “I need a drink of something.” “How’s what’s her name?” Janice sarcastically asked, then she raised her eyebrows. “No warming-up in the ballpark tonight, huh? you’re getting right in there and pitching away. Just for the record, you never heard me mention Vegas once. “ “Until now !” Janice smiled, puffed her cigarette, and was blowing the smoke toward Bob. "All’s fair in love and war, sweaty !” Janice said. “Just so you know – for the record, your silence is often sickening and very irritating; in fact, you say the most when you say nothing at all.” Then, she took a very tight lipped puff, a sip of her sherry, and stared out the window again. ------------------------------------------------------------- END ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Looks good so far.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/alockwood1 | ||||||||||
 500 GPs were sent to BoB_618  with this post. |
You're welcome.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/alockwood1 | ||||||||||
| Honestly, I was back and forth on the line 'Silence ...." I took it out, then put it back several times. Ultimately, I felt I leave it to see what others think; otherwise, I wouldn't know. Thank You very kindly for your feedback !! |
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