WdC 2023 Birthday Review Raffle - CLOSED

Thanks for tagging me in this, AmyJo-2025 refund, please!! You mention the genre thing or if it's a book entry. You can click the title of the item being reviewed to go to it and see what the situation is. This one isn't a book and all 3 genres are already appropriately filled out. You can also click the bitem link listed above the review when you click the review link, though if you are on the person's review page, that's not an option. But you an always click the "Review of (Title of Item)" section to go to the item.

SilverMoon, one thing to point out is that technically, your review is only 499 characters. It's supposed to be 500. Watch that character counter in the bottom right corner below the review text box. One idea for adding to your character count is to copy/paste your favorite line from the item into your review and explain why you love it so much. Anyway, if this review had a suggestion or correction, I'd let it slide with just a warning, but unfortunately, Amy Jo is right. There's no suggestion or correction. You say that sometimes an item is perfect. Perhaps, but in that case, you simply can't submit it to this. There are already plenty of reviews on WdC where people don't make recommendations for improvements (even if there are plenty of improvements to be made ). This activity is focused on helping people learn and get into the habit of looking for ways to improve an item. What I call fluffy reviews don't help the writer improve.

Regarding your statement that this poem doesn't have anything to correct, I disagree. Yes, the rhyming is fine and the syllable count is good, but for me, the syllable stress is a bit off. One way to look at that is by looking at each line with their mate in the other stanzas.

Here's the original poem.

Love she had thought was locked away,
its key forever lost
returned to her and brought dismay
through tears shed at great cost.

He had been gone for many years,
forgotten was his touch;
but once again it reappears
its darkness, hurts so much.

She wonders, 'will I be released,
no more to feel this pain;
a sadness that has never ceased,
how long will it remain?'

The time has come to say goodbye
to love's dark memory,
for now she knows and can't deny,
alone she'll ever be.

Now, let's focus on the syllable stress. Mind you, since this poem doesn't claim any particular forum, one could argue that the syllable stress doesn't matter. But for me, maybe because I prefer poems that do follow a chosen rhythm, if you're going to have the same number of syllables in each line, I like the stress to be the same. This poem focused on the number of syllables and rhyme, but not the rhythm, which to me, seemed off, because the other parts were so well executed. If everything was willy nilly, the syllable stress wouldn't bother me here, I don't think. Anyway, here's what I'm looking at. I'll just post the last lines of each stanza since that's where I really stumbled. I'll capitalize syllables that I are stressed as I read the poem so we can see the rhythm more easily.

through TEARS SHED at GREAT cost.
its DARKness, HURTS so MUCH.
how LONG will IT reMAIN?'
aLONE she'll EVer BE.

Yes, we can force the rhythm, but we shouldn't have to. Though one could argue that I simply read it 'wrong.'

Not convinced there was something to improve here? What about the 1st line?

LOVE she had THOUGHT was LOCKED aWAY,
HE had been GONE for MAny YEARS,
She WONders, 'will I BE REleased,
The TIME has COME to SAY goodBYE

The rhythm should flow naturally, even when the lines are taken out of context, separated from their buddies, but for me, they aren't.

Mind you, I'm not saying you should re-review this (delete your rating and do it again). No. Especially since you basically said it was perfect. IMO, you an re-review an item when it's been improved or if you realize something you called a mistake wasn't. But if you say it's perfect and later decide it's not (maybe I didn't even convince you there's a problem lol), to me, it's not fair to lower a rating...but that's just me.

Anyway, I agree with Amy Jo. This doesn't count as a ticket. Sorry about that, SilverMoon! But I admit that besides the rhythm of this poem, not much else could be improved. Even if you looked at the easy, low-hanging fruit and nitpicky ideas, it was all good--item rating is correct, intro rating correct, good description, has cover, tells us what contest it was written for and the prompt (not required, but a fun touch), lists 3 genres that make sense...all the stuff that is commonly either wrong or can be added if you desperately need something to add as a suggestion (the bit about why they wrote this is something we can often add, especially if it's something like this poem that might cause the reader to wonder), it's all there. Sometimes you just can't include a review in this raffle. But we do appreciate you participating!

Also, fun fact, while trying to figure out what was bothering me about the poem's rhythm, I realized that one thing I do is read the lines in each stanza that are paired up to see how the rhythm flows/matches. I do this naturally when something seems off to me, but I'd never put this idea into words and never even really consciously noticed that I do it. Thank you for this situation so that I can realize a thing I do to check rhythms. I should probably start consciously doing that in my own rhythmic poetry. Sure, not every poem has a specific rhythm, but this one seemed to, IMO. It just wasn't a perfect one, though it seemed to be trying to be.

I hope this helps!