Sci-fi Writers Guild Forum

Title:

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Author: Starling

Plot:

Azhar is summoned to a meeting with the Ambassador, his aide Jazell Coop, and her nephew Kitzell.
When the entourage arrives, Azhar is blown away by Jazell’s beauty.

I did not notice any plot holes or inconsistencies. As with all science fiction and fantasy stories, a new world always takes some getting used to. I think you did a great job of introducing us to Azhar’s role without narrating everything.

Characters:

Azhar is the main character in this story. We don’t know much about him yet, but we know he likes Mustangs, so he has to be a great guy!

Setting:

I think the setting is southeast Texas, because he sees the sun rise over the Gulf of Mexico. I thought I read Corpus Christi in there somewhere but I must be mistaken.

Voice:

We are in Azhar’s pov in this chapter. I did not notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

JMHO.

I enjoyed this chapter and am looking to read more of Azhar’s adventures. The title is slightly misleading, since Azhar and Jazell don’t meet. He is staring at her but at the end, the Ambassador comes up and speaks to him. He doesn't even get a chance to meet her.

Great hook at the end! I wonder if Azhar is in trouble!

Comments/Feedback/Suggestions:

I made some comments and suggestions below, but remember they are only my humble opinion. Take what suggestions you like and ignore the rest. It is your story!

Azhar jammed the brake pedal to the floorboard missing plowing into the F150 pickup truck, in front of him, by inches. He shook his head in disbelief. In the five Earth years, he and his team spent assigned to this planet, the fact more people didn’t get killed on the roadways surprised him. He patted the dash of his baby, a brand new 1969 vintage Mustang convertible.

[Okay, you got me hooked! F-150 pickup. 1969 classic Mustang convertible.]

He’d purchased it off the showroom floor one Earth-moon cycle ago. The modifications were all under the hood. An Earth mechanic would never understand the configuration of the engine.

At the light, he made a smooth turn into the long paved lot [Does this mean the lot has been paved for a long time or the lot is long?] of Outlander Transport, his home away from home. The chronograph on his wrist read 8:30 am.

This assignment consisted of keeping the Ambassador and his entourage safe and happy. The documentation said the Ambassador would be accompanied by his aide, Jazell Coop, and Ms. Coop’s male cousin Kitzell Coop, both from Zotac. Zotac was, a planet populated for the pleasure of other races, containing four dry continents and two underwater continents where all possible forms of games and pleasure were supplied around the clock.

[I suggested combining these two sentences to avoid using Zotac twice in a row, and also to avoid using passive voice. JMHO]

Entering the large metal hanger size building, he took in a deep breath and allowed his muscles to relax, letting the ions bathe his skin from the overhead distributor nozzles located a couple of steps inside the walls. He waved to the tech sitting near the entry, waiting for the acknowledgment his body was rejuvenated to homeworld standards.

Stepping off the low platform he walked to the keypad on the pedestal near the back wall and fed in the required code. The portal opened. He gave the tech another wave and stepped through. He turned left toward the doors to the dignitary receiving room, a twenty-foot by twenty-foot area dotted with seating groups and long tables.

[Is Azhar naked now? When he is letting ions bathe his skin, it sounds like a shower of sorts.
Wouldn’t he remove his clothes or does he keep them on for this procedure?]
Doors around three of the on three sides marked entryways to other rooms, the landing pad, and stairways to the observation room on the roof.

The Council was doing did wonders by feeding the people of Earth different forms of Science Fiction to acclimate them to eventually learning what they were seeing in movies and reading in books was about 80% truth, but it would be many years before they could show them. The people of this planet couldn’t even get along with each other. They were not ready to try and cohabitate with other species.

[You said it!]

The wooden doors started to open so he snapped to attention, head turned forward, but eyes on the doors. His team was stationed around the room on alert for anything out of the ordinary.

The Ambassador entered smiling, greeting those around him. The woman who followed the Ambassador took Azhar’s ability to draw a breath away. She was stunning. [You can delete this sentence. The way you describe Azhar’s reaction to seeing her shows us he is stunned, without having to tell us.] Her wavy auburn hair fell to just below her delicate shell-shaped ears. She wore a lacy sleeveless top which dipped low in the front. The hem of the blouse barely touched the top of her black wrap-around pencil skirt. Her four-inch heels looked uncomfortable. Deep summer sky blue eyes scanned the room. When they landed on Azhar, his heart stopped. Her smile wrapped around his soul. [These two sentences show us what is going on in Azhar’s head! Great job!]