The Happiness Port Project

I was going to make this all happy, but I’m beginning to realize being saccharine sweet all the time isn’t genuine because that is not who I am. Of course, I’m not all doom and gloom either which I know I’ve come off as since 2014. Nan was my go-to person to confide in and after she died, I tried finding replacements, but no one can replace Nan. No one can replace the safe haven her house was either.

Life has been merry-go-sorry lately. I’m loving this quarantine because it has been nice getting back in touch with my introverted nature; it has felt nice to catch up on scrapbooking and writing. It’s also been nice not travelling for work and not going out every week. It has been nice not hearing mom make demands about going out, so she doesn’t have to see my face. Christina called me selfish and said I shouldn’t care what mom screams about, well, I do. I’m afraid, it has always scared me and it’s unpredictable. I’m learning to stand up to her, but it’s hard.

I know many people think I’m coddled here, one older friend confided in me that she thinks I have it lucky since she was made homeless at 16 because her mom thought she was old enough. While I’m grateful that wasn’t the case with me, this back and forth isn’t healthy either. Since Anna told me about narcissism, I’ve been reading about it and watching the videos. I joined a group on Reddit and that is mom to a “T”. My dad is the enabler and I’m the scapegoat. These threats are very common within a narcissistic household, as well as the roller coaster ride.

This afternoon we had a lovely day driving around. They’re going to Cape May next week for the week and I was telling her I MIGHT go to Asbury Park later in the summer, if Jim and John are hosting. They were very clean and I know they would be on it. Although, Brighton Beach was nice, but I would probably stay in Manhattan if I did that or some cleaner place in Brooklyn. She agreed and didn’t talk money. It wasn’t later until she started drinking that she just simply said, “I bet you’re saving a lot of money now that you’re not travelling.” Dad quipped, “I hope so.” I’m trying to learn not to take it all so personally. Dad saw my chest piercing and kept asking in front of mom. I told him it was nothing and mom told him to drop it. He did, no anger. I'm thinking about getting an arm tat in the fall or whenever it is safe to do so. I really love getting tattooed. I want to get a cartoon version of Twiztid with their autographs. Eventually I want to get flowers on my back and accentuate tattoo #2 (for when I am weak, then I am strong).

It’s really miserable living here now; while I’m trying to listen to my old therapist who used to say, “sounds like she is all talk, I wouldn’t worry until she’s actually selling the house.” Honestly, I think when she drinks and dad gets her going, that’s when she starts. We have a feral cat that they don’t want to leave and they’re doing a lot of house projects. Dad wants to get another job after he retires.

While I would love to move to Canada or any western country that has freedoms similar to the US, I’m thinking once I get things paid off, I’m going to relocate to NYC first and build my professional qualifications there. My heart right now is calling for Brighton Beach and then maybe try Canada again once I am ready.

Later I’m going to write an article for the Happiness Box Project. I’ve been experiencing a lot of kindness during this quarantine and I’m going to write about it. I still walk, pretty much daily, and it’s been great seeing neighbours from a distance. I feel like I’ve grown closer to my neighbours and it has felt nice. The young couple that live behind us and have two young daughters. The girls love us and invited us to their ballet next January. This afternoon, the one came running six feet away from me and announced, “HI JESSICA! I TURNED 5 YESTERDAY!” and proceeded to show me her brand new doll. It was cute and it felt great to chat with her, her sister, and her parents for ten minutes.

Even getting to see Nan’s old neighbours have been fun too. I haven’t really chatted with many of them after Nan died in 2013. It has felt great to share laughs. I walked by Mary’s old house today and felt sadness. I’m still nervous about seeing Flo, but once we’re in the yellow, I will stop by, give her a big hug and spend some time with her. I just hope I don’t get choked up, but I have to remember that feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. I may bring her flowers.

I decided to start writing my newsletters again because my manager was wrong. My project is valuable, HR loved the idea and will use the Happiness Box project in their resilience trainings. I’m going to highlight my project on my resume, going to put it in a portfolio, and write about how HR and a school in Africa have felt inspired by this project. I think my manager was talking from a place of jealousy, as Nan would say about the people who bullied me in school (and mom too). Besides, why not? This has been my baby for the past four years… I shouldn’t feel ashamed about that.

I’ve been working on Happiness Box 2019’s scrapbook and I’m almost done! I just have to put together December 2019 and I’ll probably work on this later before I start my newsletter. I’m going to take my time! I want to share with you an album I made of some photos I took of layouts: https://photos.app.goo.gl/bTKqnFYbf2YndgMM8

I hope they bring you as much joy as they have brought me! I’ve also been participating in free write ins through Gotham Writers and it’s been a big help. It has felt nice to get back into writing and it has felt nice getting back into workshopping. I’m thinking about signing up for a memoir writing class or some creative non-fiction classes, if costs allow.

I hope you’re all well! Have a great Sunday and for the Americans: HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!