Writing Forum

Thank you so much for the GPs. They're most appreciated

Your second attempt is a small improvement having added the lead up to the confrontation, however, you still need to work on writing from a definite point of view and showing most of the scene rather than telling readers everything.

For example, the first paragraph -




Meredith should be your point of view character so imagine you are her. When you/she walks into the bar she already knows she is a dwelf, has 'vibrant red' hair and she'd showing off her arms since she chose to put on a sleeveless vest. The description of the bar's interior is also written from the author's point of view not Meredith's. How does she know the fire and the lantern light would "beckon" other people? I would have thought on a warm night a fire indoors would kinda put them off. Try instead to think of something else about the place which makes it distinct from other bars. For example if it is spring or summer, why not fill the place with scented flowers or something like that, or maybe there is a famous musician or bard performing that night. What are her thoughts and feelings? You could show her wrinkling her nose and sneezing because she's allergic to the flowers or she could think the bard is terrible and make a face or pass some kind of remark. In other words, show the bar's interior by Meredith's reaction to a few detailed aspects of it.

If you need the reader to know Meredith has red hair and is eight feet tall and strong, you should show these things in several ways through dialogue and action. A customer could pass a rude comment on her hair and you could, for example, show her height and strength by getting her to pick him up and give him some comeback.



When writing from the point of view of one character you mustn't slip into another character's head. Unless Meredith is telepathic, she can't know what Jess's thoughts are.

“Meri…” He started, but did not get to finish. When writing cut off dialogue you need to use an m-dash -- not elipses... The former denotes a definite stop and the latter, a trailing off or pause. Also, you don't need the dialogue tag because the dialogue between Jess and Meridith is established - "Meri--"

She said. Her blue eyes blazing. Again here this is telling from the author's point of view. It would be better to put something like - ...she said, glaring at him.

The Dwelf reached down and punched the six foot tall Human in the nose. Bone cracked and blood spurted. Jess’s eyes narrowed amid the pain. Meredith reached down. Putting "The Dwelf" is author intrusion and distancing. Again saying the six-foot tall human is telling and while Meredith might expect Jess to feel pain, it isn't what she would herself know. It isn't her experience.

I'll leave it there. I do hope you get the idea.