Writing Forum

Hi, A E Willcox

Here's my critique of your go at the exercise.

Fist scene:

"A hail-filled gust of wind wrenched the tavern door from Skulnard's hand and flung it against the inside wall with a thump." - Solid opening that shows us details about the setting but also keeps the focus on what the POV character would likely notice.

"He ducked his head under the lintel as he entered, then grabbed the door and slammed it closed." - Some minor details that are more about generally tightening the writing than the overall goals of the exercise: Ducking under the lintel more than implies that he enters the build, so you can leave that bit out without losing information. Likewise, "then" is usually an unnecessary word, since unless specifically told otherwise, we'll asume that events happen in the order in which they're presented.

I would argue you could lose the part about grabbing the door before shutting it, too, unless it's a world where telekineses exists. Though, I do also see the reason for keeping it, since the focus has just been on how it was ripped from the POV's hands.

You could end up with something like: "He ducked his head under the lintel slammed the door shut behind him." Using fewer words to create the same image.

"The odours of stale tobacco smoke, beer and fish..." - The fish is a great detail, since it's not something you'd expect to smell in any given tavern. Along with descriptions that also show the POV, descriptions that are specific and unique to that particular place is usually what brings the setting alive and makes it memorable.

"Skulnard stood aside to let the two men leave and then strode the last few steps to the bar." - As above, "then" is an unnecessary filler word.

There's not much to put a finger on here. The POV is tight, the descriptions are all show instead of tell, and there are very few fillers or unnecessary words in general. I especially liked the detail about the door blowing open, because it showed the setting (both the tavern and the weather), and it was related to the POV's actions (trying and failing to hold the door). The other descriptions are more in the line of info dumps (things the POV simply notices), but, really, you can't avoid that when trying to show the setting, and you do spread them out nicely and avoid big walls of lengthy description, balancing plot and setting expertly.


Second scene:

"The doorway scanned me and let me pass through the security light-barrier into the lobby." - Nice description. I would cut "security", though, since everything else in the description already shows that this is a security instalment.

"I guessed it must be genuine or the owner wouldn't have bothered with the security." - "I guessed" is a distancer, pulling us away from the POV. If you remove it, you'll get the same information across with a closer POV.

I don't have anything else to add to this one either, since it's, not surprisingly, written much like the first scene.


Again, thank you for doing this. It's a great learning experience both getting the feedback and giving it.