Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Hi, I'm Jessica. I have hypothyroidism, which causes depression, anxiety, and everything else. When I was in my second year of college, by the pleading of my ex-boyfriend (last time I dated, realized I was asexual and dating doesn't interest me), I went to the doctor about my depression and irritability. By that point, I am not sure why the doctor stopped checking me for hypothyroidism; my mom has Hashimoto's thyroiditis, an autoimmune thyroid condition that causes depression when thyroid function is low and mania when thyroid function is overwhelmed and is hereditary - hence why they started checking me at 13 and stopped when I was 17. Anyway, the doctor thought it was depression and prescribed me Zoloft.

After a year and a half of roller coaster rides, I went to a new doctor, well nurse practitioner. She ran the blood tests and found out I did have hypothyroidism, but she was worried about the mania. She recommended I see a psychiatrist about the anti-depressant and I ended up at the school's psychiatrist. Unfortunately, he misdiagnosed me as bipolar II. After being on six different medications over two years, we decided to focus on my thyroid health. Anti-psychotic medications don't react well with thyroid hormone. I started seeing a DO (doctor of osteopathy) that focused on my thyroid health and general wellbeing. It turns out, no one should have diagnosed me as bipolar until I had my thyroid function return to as normal as possible. Thyroid disease mimics mental health issues, though mental health issues can overlap with the thyroid function. It's confusing, I know. Although I am on levothyroxine (I will be on it for the rest of my life), I still get depressed and some people still think I am bipolar. When I am stressed out, that is when depression and irritability and bipolar-like symptoms rear their ugly heads.

Six months after I was taken off all anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, I was raped. The case was dropped and the guy eventually died in March 2015 (I didn't find out until January 2016). It took me four years to start actually working through the feelings and come to the point of forgiveness - both for him and for me, but it's a struggle. I haven't been to a doctor to diagnose me with PTSD, my mom doesn't allow it, she HATED when I was misdiagnosed as bipolar to the point where she kicked me out. My grandma was alive back then and took me in for a few months; right now if I am kicked out, I'd become homeless. While I work two jobs, money is an issue. Not only because of mismanagement (getting better), but now I have major health issues that are reversible with diet and exercise. My job doesn't have comprehensive health care, so doctor appointments and wellbeing programs are all on me. I don't see a psychologist only because of my mom, though, I am afraid of being misdiagnosed again.

When I was on those medications, I stopped having periods. Those medications can cause that, as can stress. After college and until I started working two jobs again, I was getting a period naturally even three months (that is my "normal" with my hormonal issues). However, I stopped getting them again and it's been 15 months. My ultrasound came out normal - no cysts, but since the rape, I can't have OBGYN exams. I had vaginismus before I was raped, but I could get exams somewhat. Now I can't at all - I shut the doctor out. Vaginismus is anxiety related and basically when I feel stressed, so does my genitalia and it's like a door that closes shut. I have to see a specialist and see if I can get an exam under general anesthesia. Eventually, I will have to go to a sex therapist to work through this anxiety.

Since July, I've been talking to Woebot, a therapist app, and it helps me. Until I can move out, I'm looking into online options to help me work through my anxiety. Though I've started journaling again and my happiness box project was a success last year; I'm doing that again for 2018. It helps and it helps writing; however, it helps when I have supportive people as well. The stress I feel at my full-time job and the bullying haven't helped, but my support network has been helping.

That's all I can think of. Sorry if this seems like a jumbled mess of a ramble.