We Need to Have A Talk About Writing...

*Snow1* First Impressions: A boy and his sister are waiting for their new 'animal gifts' as you describe it. I didn't even notice until they arrived, because they weren't indicated except for a weird mention of 'yard sales'. Not sure what that has to do with unicorns and pegasus. The point, I guess, is to keep the kids from suspecting anything. However I do like the idea, and can imagine how thrilled they'd be when they meet their steeds.

The boy gets the pegasus, and the girl gets the unicorn. Sounds like everything is already decided, and everyone thinks the same way. I'm not arguing, but I'm intrigued as to how this came to be. I guess that isn't important in such a short story, though.


*Snow2* My Favorite Elements: Obviously the unicorn and the pegasus gifts. If I were a kid of that age I'd be thrilled if I could have one, and probably would stop dead in my tracks at the sight just like these two did. What can you say when you're greeted by something like that?


*Snow3* Suggestions: That first sentence is not the greatest way to get me into your story. I read a line that has to do with stepping in manure with a 'had' word in it, and no indication as to why this is important except as a joke to his sister later on. There must be a better place to start this from. Did he want to go with them to town, and is frustrated that he couldn't? If so, he could be kicking pebbles or something aside and grumbling to himself about the unfairness of it all. As it is he's just sniping his sister for no reason.

Nevertheless I trumped over to the hen house. A Nanny obeyed, is a Nanny sated after all. It’s just that it wasn’t even my job to get the eggs.

In the second sentence you have a comma, and I really don't think you should have one there. It's confusing.

The second line could lose the 'just' and the 'was' for something stronger, though it may take restructuring for the sentence.

As I peeled back the old wire mesh door of the hen house in preparation of stepping in more manure, I heard the distinct belch of the old truck struggling up the drive.

This reads off as passive. The action should come as early in the sentence as possible.

EXAMPLE: I peeled back the old wire mesh door of the hen house and steeled myself against the idea of stepping into more manure. I didn't get to. The distinct, wheezing belch of the old truck struggling up the drive stopped me.

What I saw when I sprinted around the side of the outhouse will no doubt stay with me for the rest of my life. I imagine now it must be similar to the emotion that Mother tells us we must feel when we kneel in Father Nate’s rickety old church.

I found myself standing next to Seya as she too looked on in awe. She gave a nervous giggle and clamped her hand over her mouth.

I know this is a lot to point out, but while reading this I began to feel frustrated that I had no idea in the slightest what these two were looking at that took their breath away like this.


*Snow4* Overall: The story needs some tightening, but overall has a lot of good going for it. Sharpening the reason for why the main character is upset will help it a great deal, and cutting back on the passive voice will make it more exciting. I like the character, I just couldn't connect with him early enough because I didn't know why he was so grouchy.