Mystical Meditations

Hi Brom21! Good to hear from you! I know fear so well. When I first got really sick, I was afraid of MYSELF! Where can you run to if you are afraid of YOU? I suffered for many years, have been on medication since I was 23 and am now 66. My disease controlled me until I got help and medication, but it kept it's claws in me all the while. It was evil incarnate. One night I woke up and there was an ominous presence in my room. I was so afraid I began to call out "Help me", first in a soft voice, then it got progressively louder until I actually let out a blood-curdling yell! My Brother and Mother were first to get to me...they didn't know what to do. My brother just kept telling me to say his name...David...over and over again to keep me in this world even though I was going in and out of lucidness. For many years I've been on medication and I eventually grew enough, received enough counseling, and my own volition became a tool for me to do the things I needed to do in my life by myself.

But Jesus was t here all the way. Even though there were times of feeling completely alone. The night my Mother was dying, my husband and a friend of ours and our little girl, went to the hospital as our twin sons were with my family and my Mom had had her 3rd heart attack. On the way there, our friend was driving the truck and I was between him and my husband who was holding our daughter. Suddenly, like a mechanical toy, my husband looked at me and said: "You're a tough little cookie, but I'm not finished with you yet!" It wasn't my husband talking.....I asked him about it later, and he said he would never say anything like that to me. It was an evil look and evil words, and they came from hell itself. I didn't respond. I just kept quiet and did what I had to do. I finally was allowed to see my Mom and I took her hand. She had her eyes closed, but when she opened them to look at me, I saw peace in her eyes and the sparkle she had when she was young. She asked me not to leave her, and I t old her I wouldn't. She said, "Bonnie, I'm sorry." She was sorry for trying to take my twin sons from me when they were only 3 weeks old. She and my Dad and brother and sister, contacted a lawyer and tried to force me to give me babies to them because of my disease. I was so thrilled to finally have a family of my own and I was crushed by their actions. Later on, when that didn't work, they sent the police to my house to see my boys and they had a medical van parked out in front of my house to take my babies to a receiving home. Once they saw that I was not crazy, and I let them see my sons, asleep in their bed, safe and sound, they smiled and told me they were beautiful babies and they left. My family had told them I was leaving my sons alone for 4 and 5 hours at a time because I was Schizophrenic and unreliable. That didn't work either, and the next day a social worker came to my house to inspect it and to see how we were living. It was such a blow to me that I couldn't walk straight that evening when my husband came home. I had ran next door to my neighbor's house, and she came over and sat with me until Jack got home. It was such a devastating blow, and I never got over it. That's what she was sorry for. They took her finally to another floor and they told us to go home for the night as they were doing things for her and we couldn't see her. The next morning the phone rang, and it was my brother. She had passed away. I heard her voice just as clear as a bell, and she said to me: "Don't cry Bonnie honey, I'm happy now!" She was home with Jesus and her Dad. She had missed him so much. It all sounds crazy probably, but that was one of my experiences, and it was earth shaking to me. I miss her, and always will. But someday, I'll be with Jesus too, and all my family. Maybe now they can see my faith in Christ Jesus, and realize that what they did to me was so wrong. In spite of all the suffering I have been through, I am closer to the Lord Jesus now, than I would have been if everything was rosy for me.

I was born again at 12, and even though I had always heard about Jesus, and went to church, and Bible study and prayer meetings, it wasn't until I really needed a friend, that I invited him into my heart and soul and He changed my life. He became the big brother I didn't have and He has been with me from the beginning of time. My thought's are open, my heart is cleansed of sin, and my mind has been restored. Now He is restoring my body and helping me to lose weight, and to be strong for my family. They have been through so much...my Husband and my Children I mean. Jesus blessed me with a wonderful man and we have 3 grown children and 7 grandchildren and I am teaching them about Jesus and what He can do in their lives. They are beginning to understand. The oldest is 14, and the youngest is 5. She'll be 6 in a few days. I am blessed beyond measure, just like the Bible says. What you give to others, will be given back to you 7 fold. My family is all I ever wanted. He is as real to me as my own flesh. So I know how you feel with the anxiety attacks. Realize where they come from, and rebuke him in the name of Jesus Our Lord and Savior. You have power as a child of God and you don't have to take his fear as your own....He has no power over you but what God gives him, and I don't think He gives him anything! God is Love!. Why would he let Satan demean us and bully us and make us afraid? He wouldn't. Rebuke the liar and he will flee from you! Be bold and stand strong for the Lord is on your side and He will never leave you nor forsake you !

I am glad you have not had an attack for a year! It will get better and better! The more you trust, the less he can bother you...Satan I mean. Jesus is in you. You don't have to be afraid ever again! Jesus said that "...fear hath torment!" Why would Jesus allow something to torment you? He wouldn't. You have to bold and use your spiritual armor and weapons to defeat the enemy. Any time you want to talk,I am here. Send me an e-mail anytime and I'll answer you and encourage you. That's why I joined WDC. To have my writing read, yes, but to help people through my writing! There's one on my Portfolio that I think you'd like...It's called "Requiem". It may help you to read it.

Thank you for contacting me. I am very glad to know you and to hear your testimony! Currently I am pill free, and the only counselor I need any more is Jesus! He is my rock, my fortress, my shield. Your as well.

I'll close for now, and thank you for writing. God Bless You and give you peace.

Best Wishes,
Bonnie


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Bonnie "Daddy's Girl" Tyler