Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. - 1

Dear George,

I shor am glad you ain’t looking for no issue with Bubba, cause he doan know what a issue is. You better know that Bubba wuz who been writin to you bout all this stuff. He show me duh letters so I know what the status quo is, dat’s Latin for the mess he done made. I gonna try tuh straighten this out cause I doan want my customers to be mad.

Now, first, I am sorry about Bubba trying to talk like he was smart. He did pass the third grade, but I thank he had help and so He just tryin to impress you cause he thought you be like him. I can tell from yor writin that you ain’t that dumb. As a matter of fact, a matter of fact, you probably wud of made the honor roll here at the Red House Schoolhouse. Aunt Fannie Mae, our beloved teacher, I thank she be rite impressed with yo writin.

And I do apologize fer his makin fun of yor boy, Loretter, I thank he tole me his name. Bubba, he like duh name, Ralph, and he name his boy Ralph. He say it sound like you growling when you say it real hard.

Now, my lawyers, they say we ain’t responsabul fer the outhouse. You know, boys will be boys, like my boy, Falderwing, he one time turnt over Miz Farkward’s outhouse. Hit wuz funny, but she didn’t cotton to it cause she wuz in it at duh time. So at boy o’ yors, he maybe just a tad upset on a count o’ you name him Loretter. Maybe wanna be called, Loretter the Far Setter.

Now, Ah’m a little confused bout duh order you done order and duh order you done got. You said you order the “peeekan” cheese. Do you mean peecan lack duh peecan nut or duh peecan lack duh slopjar. You know they’s a pow’rful difference in them two.

We don’t sell peecan cheese roll. We only sell the Christmas Gift Pack in one flaver. That flaver be cheese. But, we try to make all our customers happy and you order that Peecan Cheese, Bubba shell some peecan for the cheese. Now, you gotta understand that when Bubba scale duh fish, he say, whoever eat duh most fish, eat duh most scales. At’s duh same deal on the peecans. Who eat duh most peecans eat duh most hulls. So, he shell dem peecans and he warm up duh cheese to whur it almost a little runny on the outside, then he slam it on duh peecans and kinda roll it around to mash duh peecans in duh cheese.

Now about them nay-chos, we don’t. But, I thank I know what they wuz. Bout 6 months ago, we had a bad crop a roaches or locus or some kinda bugs. They wuz all over the place and Harley started spraying his side down with diesel. Well, you know them thangs come a running over here and Bubba started to fightin ‘em with a tennis racket or sumpin like at. They wuz little wings a flying all over the place and some got in thu cheese. We tried to scrape most of it off, but we missed some. So when they dried they kinda look lack nay-cho corn chips. So, they alright, just scrape ‘em off when you see ‘em poking outa thu cheese. If they got a little diesel taste, don’t worry, it won’t hurt a healthy strong body.

You know that we at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc, try to do ever’thang we can to make our customers happy. But, we draw thu line when it costs money. So, we can’t send you more cheese, cause you done got yor order. I wudn’t born yesterdy. No sir-ree. I know how it goes. “Hey, we don’t et all duh cheese, we write and say it wudn’t good, send us sum more.” You done eat it up, so you have to order some more. When we git your check, we cash it. We got a carload of cheese ready to ship to our valuable customers. Now, valuable customers are people what order with a check, money order or cash. Don’t sent us no stamps, script or eggs to barter, only cash on the barrelhead. And don’t send us any confederate money. It wudn’t any good when we wus the confederacy and it ain’t good now.

And in closing, let me say I am sorry tu hear bout yor boy, Loretter. Burned all his hair offn his head, did he? I bet him and that other boy wuz behind yor outhouse a smoking at ole rabbit tabacky when that thang went off. At stuff will flame up and any gaseous vapors with go off like a A-bomb. I heard the mushroom cloud wuz seen for 6 miles. Anybody in the house when she blowed? Well, rub a little hog lard on his eyebrows and head and maybe hit’ll grow back.

We be looking for yor order. When ya kin, come on down and set yor feet under our table and have dinner or supper with us. Irmalene sets a mighty fine table and we always go plenty of cheese, cause all what don’t sell I take home and give it to Irmalene and our 14 youngans.

Whinningly Yours
Jim Whinnerly, Head Whiner