Sci-fi Writers Guild Forum

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item" 
Author Jay's debut novel is out now!
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

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Plot
In this story, we meet Rena. At the start, she's an abused adolescent with a drunk father living on a desolate desert world. She uses her body to wrangle an escape on a commercial freighter. Later, in a group of linked artificial environments (I think), she organizes a pirate rig to enrich herself, and then allies herself with an assassin sent by "Intra." The assassin is so alluring, he kind of turns the tables on her, using his body to engage her, although she resists. Eventually, they steal a spaceship and she returns to confront her father.

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Style and Voice
First person, present.

Generally, first person is more difficult to write than third person limited. It's tempting for the author to fall into the narrator telling the reader stuff--background information--that would be better shown in a dramatic scene. In your story, this especially struck me in the opening, where Rena's relationship with her father is all narrated background. There are several other spots where the story stops in its tracks while she tells the reader stuff. I marked some of these, as places you might consider to expand into scenes where you put your characters in motion, in word and deed.

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Referencing
This is full many ideas, and Rena's vernacular includes slang terms that help to bring her and her world to life. I was able to pick up all the essentials from context, although some of the details were fuzzy. For example, is "Intra" government, organized crime, or a big corporation? I was fuzzy, but then Rena would be fuzzy on these details too, so I don't really think that's a big deal.

I was surprised that a starship would be abandoned just because it was filled with trash a rodent infestation. Rodents are easy--just evacuate the air, right? And two of them quickly cleaned out the trash. So why is this valuable object not better guarded? You kind of dealt with why they might get away with stealing it, although I could have used more details on that. Rena's clearly NOT fuzzy on those kinds of things.

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Scene/Setting
This was sparse-to-nonexistent. I like rich, sensual environments, but you need to include at least enough for staging purposes. I'd really consider fleshing out some of these settings, to help bring to life your characters and your future world.

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Characters
This is all Rena. She's believable, desperate, smart, and damaged in ways that we can understand. I wonder if you could make her more sympathetic at the start, and make her father more hateful? There's a technique that screenwriters use called "Saving the cat." The idea is to have your protagonist do something kind--like saving a cat--early in the story to get the reader on their side, cheering for them. For example, maybe Rena literally saves a kitten, takes it home, and her father sadistically kills it. That really sets things up, makes her likable, and shows how horrible her relationship with her father is. Now we better understand her later actions...

Dialog. This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. you have great dialogue, although some of the tags felt just a little stilted.

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Grammar

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 50 in this story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Most of your adverbs are little speed bumps--unnecessary words that slow the pace. For example, "only" appears 13 times. "Really" also shows up a lot.

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Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

My biggest suggestion for this story is to cut back on the narrated background. Other than that, this is a really interesting character study. You've got an interesting future world, an engaging character, and a great plot and theme. I enjoyed reading this quite a lot.

Thanks for sharing!!!


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Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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I never really know how a man feels about me until I hold a plasma pistol to his forehead. My father, for example.My Comment: This is a great opening line! I do wish that you'd found a way to tell us Rena's name sooner. Knowing the point-of-view character's name helps pull the reader into her head and hence into the story.

A drunken, lousy cheat, my Daddy.My Comment: Her relationship with her father is critical to the plot and to the character. But you've taken this elemental feature of the story and relegated it to a couple of narrated paragraphs! This would be much stronger if you created an incident that put the father in motion, in word and deed. Show him being a drunk and an abuser. Make the reader hate him with the same intensity as Rena. That will make her transformation at the end all the more satisfying.

We get the news about the Intraspace convoy landing in Hookcliff while I'm working the laundry service over on the South End. Now or never? I ask myself. A fleet from the Delta Sector-- land of milk, honey, and free commerce. I quietly curse myself for not pocketing more of my credits, but Daddy would have found me out sooner or later. My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

It seems to me this is where the action starts. The earlier paragraphs are narrated backstory, but the events really begin here. Starting in media res is always good advice, and it applies even more to short fiction. Thus, I'd start with a scene that showed, rather than told, the information in the opening paragrpahs.

I trade most of my last credits to the doorman in the Red Room, and look for foreign dusters and jacksuits, anything that doesn't belong. I scan the room and sure enough, there's a pocket of men with stiff jackets and elaborate shoulder insignia.My Comment: I could really use some description here. Part of the fun of SciFi stories is being in new and strange places. What's this place smell like? What's the décor? Is there music playing? Bring it to life through what your character senses.

and strike up a conversation with the nearest one. My Comment: Other than attire, I don't have a sense of these men. Are they stiff, like their uniforms? Muscled and disciplined, fat and slovenly, shaved or scruffy? Something as simple as the gleam from a stainless steel filling in an eyetooth can show a lot.

He takes me up on it, and we slink off to the officer's quarters on board the Vau Mara.My Comment: Not to be a broken record, but what's it like there? Bring in as many senses as you can. Is it stinky with body odor, or maybe the last cargo of miniature Selurian grumpets? Are the quarters cramped? What's he got there--more alcohol? Pictures taped to the wall? His quarters tell us about his character.

Coy smile with intent to disarm.My Comment: She used a coy smile before.

He stretches, scratches, belches loudly, and cracks his back. My Comment: I like this bit of characterization, but there's also something editors call the "rule of threes." There's a certain innate rhythm in stringing three things together that's broken when you go to four or more.

"Come on, Gaskin, you're a capitalist. My Comment: Is this his name? Did I miss something? Or is this slang?

I learn the ship and her character; get to know the freighter Vau Mara and her quirks, her charm. It's small, only a B-class;My Comment: This paragraph conveys information in narrated form. The information is important to the plot, but it would be more immediate and intimate for your readers if you could devise a little scene that accomplished the same thing. Maybe she sneaks a quickie with one of the crew, and their actions and words reveal some of this?

"This is my ship."My Comment: So he's the captain/owner? That would explain how she managed to get on so easily...

right on the aerospace bordering Delta Sector.My Comment: "aerospace" seems a curious term. Usually, this denotes the atmosphere around earth and the surrounding space, but this is interplanetary or even interstellar space, right?

I disembark at Polexus a little too soon; after the crew, but before Perrill's finished all the drydock log work. My Comment: I didn't remember that "Perrill" was "Gaskin" until I went back and checked. I'd use one name or the other. I like the name, btw. It's not a nice, sinister ring!

I make a cockeyed, one-handed shot that grazes his face sideways, taking out a chunk of his faceMy Comment: "face" repeats. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

By the end of the night, I've booked my trip to Moigu with a merc named Wink Vanneg. My Comment: Since she booked her trip, I infer she's now got money? Or did Wink book her trip after she cut a deal with him?

"That's why they sent me, remember."My Comment: Typo: this is a question, right?

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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/