Red Opium.

Hi. I see it's been a while since anyone has posted on here. I just read this post and thought I would write.

It's been a long while since I've been on here mainly becacuse I haven't had the desire to hurt myself the way I used to. I'm doing a lot better but after reading this post I realize that I forgot there are other ways to harm yourself other than just cutting. Such as, in this case, over eating. Which I do as well, I've noticed. Not all the time but I have my moments. I'm not HORRIBLY over weight but I am over weight.

However, I haven't cut myself on purpose in two years. I still have ugly scars to remind me of it though and more than anything, I'm terribly ashamed and if the topic of people who self injure ever comes up in casual conversation or on T.V I automatically start feeling guilty and embarrassed.

Actually, I think why I don't cut anymore is because I am a much happier person. Not really because I neccessarily believe it's wrong. It was what I did when I was extremely upset. Like, I had no other way of feeling better, nothing else to turn too. My last hope, a great relieving sigh. But in the fall of 2005 I found something else that I turned too. Something that I completely immersed myself in and became obssessed with. I made it more important than my friends, work, family even eating and more importantly; cutting. I found Buddhism and became obsessed with learning everything I could about it. It was the only thing I found could calm my soul. More than talking to friends, more than having a boyfriend. It was the only thing that made me feel better. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. To me, following it's path was all that mattered, all that made sense.

I'm not saying study Buddhism. I'm not even saying find a religion to be into. I'm saying find something healthy to be addicted too. Something like this that makes you feel better. I made this my focus and it worked and I realized that all that was important was me. I was given a good body and I must start taking care of it (this goes for over eating which I do still sometimes have a problem with.) But once I started realizing that I didn't all the things I thought I needed to be happy then more realistic and beautiful things came into my life without any effort what so ever.

This, I know, is so much harder than what I say it is. I know it is. I've been there. I've been a cutter since I was 14. 10 years of dealing with pain by causing more pain. I know EXACTLY what it's like. I know here is the only place I can talk about it without feeling so embarrassed. I can't even talk to my boyfriend about it because I am afraid he will judge me harshly even though I know he won't.

Sorry for the long post. I hope everyone is doing well.

Much love and happiness,

Elaine Bradley