Crack Ups

Once, there was a man known as the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse.

He wore magical black and white plate mail armor, and rode a mighty black and white steed...which was a zebra technically...but never mind that!

One day, after many great adventures, he rode up to the king's castle, with the full intention of riding inside...but before he could enter, he was stopped at the gate by the guards who, surprised by his appearance, asked,

"Who art thou?"

The knight held his head high and loudly proclaimed,

"I am the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

The guards shook in surprise and exclaimed,

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

The knight was emboldened by their awe and said,

"Yes!"

The guards nodded and allowed him inside. He rode his mount right through the main gates, right into the throne room and then right up to the king, while still upon his steed. The king, surprised to say the least to see this, demanded,

"Who art thou?"

"I am the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

"Yes, and I've come to wed the princess!"

So the king thought for a moment and announced,

"Very well, but anyone who would court the princess must first complete three tasks. First, they must climb the highest mountain and then return!"

So the knight rode off to the distant high mountain, rode right up one side, right back down the other side, and then rode right back to the castle...where he was stopped by the guards at the gate.

"Who art thou?"

The knight paused for a moment, gave the two men a curious glance and replied,

"I am the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

"Yes...the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse..."

So they let him in, and again he rode up to the king.

"Who art thou?"

The knight's pause was even longer than the previous one.

"I'm...the BLACK and WHITE Knight on the BLACK and WHITE Horse."

The king exclaimed, with genuine surprise,

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

"YYYYYYYYes...the BLACK and WHITE Knight on the BLACK and WHITE Horse...and...uh...*AHEM* I've climbed the highest mountain!"

So the king replied,

"Very well...your second task is to swim the lake of acid and then return alive!"

So the knight, with a few confused glances over his shoulder, rode off to the lake of acid, and was forced to finally dismount. The swim was terribly painful, but thanks to his magic black and white armor, he managed to survive! He then cleaned up, got back on his horse, and rode off towards the castle...where he was again stopped at the gate.

"Who art thou?"

The knight gave them a very long stare before replying,

"I AM THE..."

He calmed himself a bit and continued,

"...Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse."

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

The knight gave a very slow nod, as his face turned a little red. So they let him inside, right into the throne room, right up to the king.

"Who art thou?"

The knight began to slowly tremble, as he replied, slowly and firmly,

"I...AM...THE BLACK AND WHITE KNIGHT ON THE BLACK AND WHITE HORSE."

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse!"

"YES! YES! The Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse, and I have swum the lake of acid!"

So the king replied,

"Very well...for your third and final task, you must slay the mighty green dragon!"

The knight held his face in a grimace, rode out, tracked the terrible beast, and thanks to a newfound rage, easily defeated it. He then held the beast's head high in triumph and rode his mighty steed right up to the castle gates.

"Who art thou?"

The knight stared at the guards. He stared at his zebra. He stared at his armor. He stared at the severed dragon head. He replied,

"I AM THE BLACK AND WHITE KNIGHT ON THE BLACK AND WHITE HORSE!!!"

"Not the Black and White Knight on the Black and White Horse?"

YES! THE BLACK AND WHITE KNIGHT ON THE BLACK AND WHITE HORSE!!!

So they let him inside to see the king, who asked,

"Who art..."

"I AM THE BLACK AND WHITE KNIGHT ON THE BLACK AND WHITE HORSE!!!

"Not the..."

YES!!!!!! THE BLACK AND WHITE KNIGHT ON THE BLACK AND WHITE HORSE!!! AND I HAVE SLAIN THE DRAGON!!!

With a toss he threw the head at the king's feet. The king carefully inspected the head and then announced,

"Very well...as long as she gives her consent, you may marry the princess."

At these words, the knight leaped off his horse, ran to the princess's tower, ran up the steps, threw open the door...and she was more beautiful then he ever could have imagined. She had brown, curly, flowing locks of hair, a pure fair face, a warm loving smile and wore a gorgeous wavy white gown.

When her eyes fell upon the knight, her face broke into a wide smile and she moved towards him.

The knight ran to her. She seemed to glide along the floor to him.

They met in the middle, joined hands, locked gazes and in an innocent, melodic voice she spoke,

"I'm sorry...what's your name again?"

The knight froze his expression. The muscles in his face locked, his teeth almost broke as they squeezed against each other, and in a low shout, as he slowly proclaimed,

"I..."

His hands began to shake as he held her slender fingers.

"AM..."

The lovely princess, filled with obvious joy, smiled warmly, in innocent anticipation.

Then, as the knight gazed upon her, he suddenly stopped, sagged slightly, took a deep breath, and then quietly finished,

"Steve."

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