Red Opium.

Hey, all.
Wow, I've had the most... crazy week. I went to my best friends house for the week. So much happened. But the big part is that I crashed. Like seriously. I crashed lower than I've been in a year or so. I found out that someone I was really close to, who had helped me through my darkest points had died. And it hit me harder than I could imagine. I struggled more with cutting than I have since I stopped a year ago. But I GOT THROUGH IT. I have no idea how. I really didn't think i would. But I didn't hurt myself, and I don't think I ever will. There are few things that are going to hit as hard as someone you love dying. And thank god that doesn't usually happen often. So I feel invincible. I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way because I got through yesterday. Like, I really have an idea what I want to do with my life right now. Ms. Hannah, the lady who died, was my mental health tech. Through all 11 times I was in that hospital with her, she was right beside me. She cared about me, personally, not as a person. I got to know her and she me like no one else. She got me through everything. And her death hit me so hard. Because she represented so much to me; safetly, savior, love, caring, my past. She is the only one who has ever caught me cutting. She was everything for me at the time. And she's gone. But anyway, i want to be a tech like her. i already wanted to be a tech, but now it's cemented. You see, I know what the good ones are like and I know what the bad ones are like, and I want to be a good one. Carry on her legacy. I really think i can use my experiences to help people. So I'm going to study my ass of, take my CNA test, and get a job as a MHT. So many things I'm overwhelmed.
But I HANDLED everything.
And THEN I found out that I missed my last shot, so I'm off my meds, and I have been fine. Well, not fine, but I've been able to handle everything. So I've decided to stop my medication permenantly. See if i can do it alone - essentially find out if bipolar is real - at least, real for me. And anyway, it's better to do that now, while I'm still living at home with my dad.
Thanks for listening!!
Sarah