Red Opium.

I had a few stressful situations lately....

I talked to the guy I liked, who apparently wanted me (long story). He has a girlfriend. A new one. Apparently I'm not good enough for him, I'm just his "buddy with benefits". What's sad is I can't hate him. I can think bad about him, I can tell myself what an awful person he is, but I know I don't really mean any of it. I like him. A lot. Mostly I think about how unsuccessful I am at getting guys.

I've had nightmares the past two nights, which hasn't happened since they put me on antidepressants a couple of months ago. I'm almost afraid to sleep at night because the nightmares are so bad. I keep dreaming of the people I like/love dying (no, this doesn't include guy x from above). I've been snapping at my mom over silly things, and crying over silly things. I'm just so anxious and uptight and sad all at the same time. I just want it to go away.

So, (the point of the story), I wanted to cut myself. The usual reason I don't like cutting myself is because I get really anxious about someone seeing it. I found a place I could do it without having to worry about hiding it. I made all the preparations to cut, but by that time I felt better, so I didn't. Unfortunately, I've been preoccupied about cutting. I really, desperately want to. I know I shouldn't, but I really want to. It's almost becoming a constant obsession. I cut myself two months ago. Before that I went six months without cutting. Now everything's going down the tubes. I really want to cut, I know I shouldn't, it's gong to mess up my record, it's going to control me, but I think I might give in anyway. It's kind of like the guy thing at the beginning: it's bad for me, but I keep going back for more, knowing that I'll only get hurt.

Start of school stress is also a contributing factor, and the fact that I'll need a date for junior prom. The guy I was hoping to take is the one in the first paragraph.

Life's just peachy, ain't it?

Ironically enough, the antidepressants have actually done a great job for me. However, the last two days aren't working out.

Sorry about the book I wrote. I'll try not to do that next time.

Cat