Red Opium.

Still wondering. You know, I don't really remember what it was like, when I was cutting everyday. It seems like so long ago. I don't remember how bad it was, how bad it made me feel. Now, it seems like a possibility again. You see, I'm turning 18 on Tuesday. On that day, adults will no longer be in control of my life. It makes it a lot harder to put me away, or force me to get help. Basically, turning 18 makes me realize that I can cut again, and no one can do a damn thing. They don't need to know. And, if they did, they can't stop me. I'm moving out as soon as I can - and I'll be able to go back to this. It kind of scares me. At least, it scares me that it DOESN'T scare me anymore. The last few days have been really rough on me. Pushing myself through the days. My sister moved back to Gainesville, so I'm all alone again, most of the day. I don't know. I don't know what becoming an "adult" means. To me, right now, it means self-destructive-freedom. But I don't even know if I have it in me to go back. God, it sucked. I know that, at least I know that factually, cutting was really bad, and took a lot to get over, and made me feel aweful. But that doesn't seem so bad right now. I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know why cutting urges have come back so strong all of a sudden, but my sister leaving, and college starting, and being alone, and karate ending.... I don't know. I mean, this has been my plan all along, right? I've been telling myself since April that I wouldn't cut until I moved out, until no one could stop me or know. That's how I got through the days, telling myself that I could cut myself into oblivion once I turned 18 - once I left the watchful eye of my family. Now, it's upon me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. Help me!