Red Opium.

Guess what?

You know how as an alternate form of coping/cutting substitution, drawing on yourself with a red food colour or markers is suggested?

Well, I've been drawing on myself with a black permanent marker, which really helps. Whenever I feel upset or angry, that's what I've been doing to saitiate my urge to cut. Also, it helps because I can draw on myself almost whenever I want. I can't cut myself whenever I feel like it. It also provides an instantaneous solution to wanting to cut, rather than putting the act of cutting off.

One of my friends noticed me drawing on myself in the places I wanted to cut, and she asked why I was doing that. I told her it was better than the alternative. She said that I was just doing it all for attention.

Do you know how many people that I trust have told me that?

She apologized shortly afterward, admitting that she had SI'ed in the past, but now viewed it as silly. That made me feel like she was looking down on me, as if I was just a small child and she an adult. She's already outgrown her difficulties, and so commands a bit more respect, and retains more wisdom. However, I'm still a child, using "silly" strategies to cope with difficult emotions and survive.

And I really trusted this person. I idolized her (she's only a year older than I). She's beautiful, and talented, and respected and loved by all. She seemed so perfect. She was everything I wanted to be. I looked up to her. I carefully built up a friendship with her. By just being there she often helped me some days; other times her seemingly perfect being sent me spiraling downward, questioning myself, my virtues, my appearance, my worthiness compared to hers.

Now, I'm not all that sure I want to be like her anymore. This perfect image shattered over the course of a few days. She no longer seems perfect. She's not innocent, she's always high, and now, she's condemning me. I haven't told her any of this.

I may be overreacting. I just feel so betrayed.

~Cat