Yes, I Can Smile and Still Be in Pain!

Dearest Wendy,

Tonight I am feeling really alone, knowing that you are at Kerry’s babysitting for your nephew, something that I know I will never be able to do for my nephew again. Do you know what it feels like to me when you start talking about Lewis? Sometimes I feel as if I want to start crying because it makes me miss Jeremy so much. I think I might be just a little bit selfish. I’ve had a few happy years with my nephew, why can’t I allow you some with yours? Yet every single time I see you with Lewis or you start talking about him, there’s this little hole inside of me, which keeps getting deeper. It’s not your fault, not our family’s fault and definitely not Lewis’ fault. I miss my family.

Sometimes I feel so bad inside when I see you with Lewis or you talk about him that I feel like I want to either pick up my knife, or jump in front of a train. I realise that I will never have my nephew back in my arms again, that hurts. Even a few precious moments that I have had with my niece and my big sisters, my stepmother and my father, I can’t help but to remember. But I realise that things are never going to be able to get back onto track. I can’t be with a family that beats me.

Sure my stepsisters never laid a hand on me (ok, so Lyndal did, Ally never did) It’s a different feeling if I get into trouble with you Wendy, because you only do it when I truly deserve it. Always making sure that I know that I am well loved. My family weren’t always like that.

I miss Mum and Dad and Allyson and even Lyndal and I miss Bethany and Jeremy. I’ve missed out on seeing them growing up for these last few years. Jeremy wouldn’t even know me if he saw me now. I wouldn’t even recognise him, myself. Do you know what it is like to say “I used to be an aunty but my stepsisters won’t talk to me since I left my father’s place.” Do you know what it is like to have a family, to be happy, and then to lose the whole lot and start feeling depression? Think about it, you have a loving mother and father, a loving big sister, a nephew, a nice brother in law and a cute little doggy at your parents place. All the things that I used to have. My stepmother to me, was like a mother, I called her Mum quite happily, my father was always my father, my sisters were annoying as sisters are, but they loved me. I deserved what happened to me, when they got angry and didn’t stop being angry at me for so long.

Imagine losing all of what you have now and having to start again from fresh. Wouldn’t you hurt too? That’s what I feel now. That’s why I am so depressed. What set it all off was that I could have sworn I saw Ally, driving Dad’s old car the other week.. I miss her so much. Then I ran into Craig at the Arts Gallery, I saw a woman on the train that looked almost exactly like my Aunty Ret. I used to be close the Winstanley’s as well, and Pam’s family, I miss them all.

Why in all times possible for me to start going through depression like this did my mind have to pick year 12? I guess that since I am starting to get along well with you and really love you, I accept the fact that you have all of these things in your life, I sometimes feel so jealous of you, because you have what I used to have and what I would kill to get again. You love Lewis, as I love Jeremy, but it doesn’t stop the hurt or the pain that I feel when you start talking about fun times that you have had with him. My nephew wouldn’t even know me if he saw me again, I wonder if I would know him?

I remember, I am remembering something that Wendy asked me about. I am remembering what life was like with Steve and Pam, and what really made me leave there. I remember I had everything that I had ever wanted in this world, I didn’t even see Gail for around a year. I was so happy, I had a mother who loved me (Pam) a father who loved me (Steve) two extra little bonuses (Allyson and Lyndal) who loved me as well, although Lyndal and Allyson took turns of getting on my nerve, as sisters do, until I started to get along well with Allyson. Then I got two even better little surprises, (Jeremy and Bethany) I remember what it was like just before I left, Ally and I would talk about everything together. Often she would take me on long car rides with Jeremy, and we would just talk together, and go over to her place, and I’d sleep the night, and I’d look after Jeremy at least once a week. Which is probably why I don’t feel that close to Lewis, I never see him. Yet I never felt very close to Kerry like I did Ally. I remember how I never really spoke about what Pam did to me, and how Steve sometimes lost his temper. I took it on as being normal, or only getting what I deserved. Ally was never one to enjoy healthy food, she was always getting out take away. She’d do things like have Hungry Jacks, McDonald’s, KFC and Red Rooster all in the same week! She was never very good when it came to money, until Pam started to take control of her finances. If she had me with her, she would always buy me something as well, even if she had just picked me up from school and was just getting lunch for herself, she would usually buy me a coke. I never really brought up my addiction until the second year I was with them, and I started shoplifting in order to eat.

One of the things that I refused to do whilst I was at Pam and Steve’s was to eat seafood. By about the second year I was with them they got tired of not being able to have seafood in their diet because of me, so they would cook it for themselves and would refuse me access to the cupboard or any other food except for what they were eating. Pam would always know if I got in and ate something and would beat me. I knew that I could not eat the seafood, so I didn’t. They would lock the cupboard for at least three or four days, not letting me have any food until I’d eaten the seafood. (which I never did, Dad often ate it before it went off, but most of the time it just went off) Most of the time, I ended up shoplifting by the second day because I was starving. I used to mostly steal junk food, but that was me being a normal teenager wanting to eat food that I enjoyed. I figured that if I had to steal, I might as well steal food that I actually enjoyed eating. I guess that is why I don’t eat that much junk food now. I am happier with hot chips than salt and vinegar or light and tangy chips. Small adjustment, but still an adjustment.

I remember the day that I heard Jeremy was born, I got so excited and started playing the “Happy Birthday song” on the piano and asked Mum how soon it was going to be until I got to see Allyson and Jeremy. It was only a couple of months. I remember the first time I saw Jeremy, I adored him. All cuddled up in his mothers arms, fast asleep. I got used to the idea of the screaming at night after a while, though I was only over at their place during every second weekend when Jeremy was born. But even then, it felt like we were one big happy family.

Yes, Ally and I were very close to one another. She was my big sister, and I still think of her that way. Although I hope that Wendy never really feels offended when I do. She likes to think of herself as being a big sister to me. It’s just that is what Ally was, and what she always will be to me, inside my heart. Lyndal was so much like Pam, so we never really got along, even though Pam and I seemed for a long time to get along so well. Pam hardly ever lost her temper when I was living with them (until I started seeing Gail) sure, she’d give me the occasionally wack, but not seriously for quite a while. Pam and I were really close during these times.

I remember that Pam would often take me places, out shopping, often waking me up early in the morning to take me out to McDonald’s for breakfast. We’d hire out videos to watch together, the type that Dad never really liked all that much. Things like Drama’s, and Romance films, whereas Dad would only ever like Horrors, Thrillers and Comedy, which we all enjoyed. Pam and I would sit up late at night and just watch them together. She would sit in front of me and I would massage her back, or brush her hair, which she always enjoyed. Giving her the occasional kiss and cuddle whilst doing it. Everything wasn’t always great over at Steve and Pam’s, sometimes they would get angry with me and Steve would hit me sometimes. But nothing ever got too aggressive until I started seeing Gail.

Pam always used to say to me that any time that I wanted to go and see Gail all that I had to do was ask. But whenever I asked if I could go and see her, although she agreed, on the day that I was going to go see Gail, she would be really cruel to me and make me feel so guilty about going to see her. I soon learnt that if I wanted to go and see Gail I had to do so behind Pam and Steve’s back. But because Pam was so popular she always found out, and would beat me. After I had been doing this for a while she would beat me until I told her that I had been with Gail (even though sometimes I hadn’t) then she would beat me for going to see Gail. I learnt quickly that if I just told them that I was with Gail I would just get beaten once and would soon be able to deal with the rest of the day.

I remember Jeremy’s dog, Copper, it was one of those small lap-dogs kind of like Mickey is, but more like Otto’s size, with Digees looks, a really gorgeous dog. When Ally decided to buy Jeremy a dog I told them about the pet shop in Nunawading, near Whitehorse road. We went there and I fell in love with this little brown dog, which kept coming over and licking my hand. Jeremy was busy trying to stop all the kittens from climbing to the top of the cage. Ally bought the dog that I started to really like and we kept it at Mum and Dad’s for a while. Most of the time even after Copper was allowed to live with Ally, he still lived in our backyard. That little dog absolutely adored me, I would spend so much time with him. All I had to do was click, and he would be running towards me to be picked up and cuddled. Unfortunately, Jeremy didn’t like this much and would go complaining to Pam “Aunty Nik got my Copper,” and I would get yelled at. But the dog wouldn’t leave me, even when I would put him down, or try to ignore him, he would come running over to me and try to jump up into my arms. After a while this really upset Pam, because the dog would not listen to anyone else but me, so she started taking her frustration out on me. Soon after I left, Copper ran away. (I assume he probably tried to come and find me) He was never seen or heard from again.

There was though, other memories that I have, like this one time, when Pam took me to work and taught me how to do the filing. I was talking to one of her work mates and Pam walked into the room, showed me what she wanted me to do and after a while Dad came and took me home. After a few hours Pam came home, she put down her bag and came looking for me. She put her arms around me (I was in the kitchen with Dad) and said “I love you too Nik.”
I turned to her and said, “What are you talking about?”
She told me that her work mate had said, “That kid really loves you,”
To which she replied, “I know,” sarcastically and started laughing.
Her work mate turned to her and said, “No, I mean she really loves you,”
Pam asked, “What do you mean?”
To which her work mate replied, “When I was talking with her before, we started talking about some really serious things like school and friends, she was telling me about some problems she’s having with teachers. But when you walked into the room she lit up like a Christmas tree. I’m telling you, that kid really loves you.”
After Pam had finished telling me this story she held me close and asked me out to the movies. We went and watched a movie together, laughing and having fun.

The hard thing is, although Gail says that Pam and Steve were never really like this, that it was not in their nature, that their true nature was when they would start beating me, I have a lot of memories of them doing these types of things with me, and I can’t get myself to believe that they were all fake and that they never meant any of it.

I remember once, when Pam, Steve, Lyndal, Allyson, Jeremy and I sat down and watched the Wiggles Christmas Movie together. Pam and I were sitting very close as per usual, with me sitting on the couch beside her, Dad on the ground in front of her, Allyson and Lyndal on the two lounge chairs, and Jeremy on my lap, with his thumb in his mouth. Pam said to Dad “All of my babies are loving this movie.”
Dad turned round being a bit of a smart-ass and said “Yeah, how do you know? Have you asked them?”
So Pam asked each of us if we liked the movie, we all said yes, so she turned to Dad and said, “See, all of my babies really DO like this movie.”

Sometimes I would walk into Pam’s study, where she would be working on the computer, and I would brush her hair, or massage her back for a while. Then she’d take me for a walk around the block, holding onto my hand. I always enjoy the close, physical contact. This by no means is pointing towards a fact that I could be gay. It is just something that I enjoy. Like today, when walking back to the house, and I held Wendy’s hand. Though Wendy I think, is starting to be a little bit less emotional with me. I just don’t understand why. It is like she is trying to distance herself from me, so it is feeling like I am losing another sister.

Dad and I, would spend time together walking his dog Jess, who took quite a while to get big, but is now a fully grown German Shepherd. But Dad and I would go on long walks together, and he would sometimes take me up to Warrandyte, and we would sit on a hill together, either throwing sticks into the river for Jess, in which my aim was always off. Or we would be watching Jess chase rabbits. She never caught any though. Dad and I would talk about lots of things. It was one of the few times that I could have Dad calm enough to be able to discuss my problems and how life was really treating me. Other times he would just hit me or scream at me to get out of his room.

There was this one time, when I was babysitting Jeremy and he had done a whole lot of scribble on a piece of paper, that day Dad had specifically told us to leave him alone. I tried to stop Jeremy from going and showing Pop (Dad) but I couldn’t. Jeremy tried to have a conversation with Dad, but Dad told him to “f*** off and leave me alone,” roughly threw him out of the room and slammed the door behind him. It was a lucky thing I was standing outside my bedroom door at the time, I caught Jeremy before he hit the ground and although he started crying it was more because of fear then actually injury as I was the one who hit the ground and hit my head against the wall and Jeremy landed on top of me gently onto my stomach. I got up and bolted out the back door and didn’t return until it was getting dark. Pam beat me for taking Jeremy away and Allyson getting into a real tizz and Ally screamed at me because she was scared for our safety, later on Ally apologised, but Pam never did. When I told the truth to Ally she understood merely saying “Yeah, I understand what you were feeling, you weren’t willing to keep Jeremy in that type of environment, thank you for looking after him for me. I’ll talk to Mum about it later.” All that achieved was both Pam and Steve to start beating me.

Off the topic again, I remember one time. It was Father’s Day, and Gail’s birthday happened to land on the same day. So I went out shopping with Ally in Knox City, to find some things to give them. I found some really good things, which Gail and Dad would really like, and I had $7 left over, so I walked into a nearby teddy bear place, knowing that Pam really likes teddies, and I bought her, just a small little teddy bear. When I got home, Pam wanted to know what I had spent the money on, so I showed her all that I had bought for Gail and Dad. But there was another bulge in the shopping bag, I tried to keep it away from her, but she took the bag from me and looked inside it. Inside was the teddy that I had bought for her. She took it out and asked, “Who’s this for?”
I smiled and said, “I’ve got a lot for Gail and Dad and I thought that you might feel kind of left out.”
“Who’s this for?” Pam asked again.
“It’s for you.” I said.
Pam looked at me and said “But I don’t need anything.”
“But I thought that since I will be paying so much attention to Dad and Gail during tomorrow night, considering it is Father’s Day and Gail’s Birthday, so I bought you someone to keep you company.”
Pam said, “You didn’t have to do that, I’m a big girl, I understand these things.”
“But I wanted to,” I said looking upset.
“It’s lovely, thank you,” Pam said holding me in her arms.

I think that what really has me upset is that Wendy has all of these things and honestly, I don’t think that she knows how lucky she truly is. She talks about them all the time and all that I feel when she does is upset and sometimes suicidal. But Wendy will always notice when I start feeling like that and always gets there before something severe happens. I think that the reason why it upsets me so badly is that I really love my stepsister and my nephew, but she won’t come near me if I haven’t been talking to Pam. Because Ally is a gambler and smokes and isn’t good with her finances she needs her mother more than she needs me. I understand that, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, especially when Wendy will start talking so affectionately about her family and her nephew. She has all of the things that I used to have. That I could have still had if it wasn’t for the fact that I left.

But as I was looking after a girl who was on drugs who looked up to me as her big sister and wanted me to guide and help her during her life and I had another friend who was older than me, but still needed me around her, I started to get really stressed because of all of these things were happening to me. It wasn’t long before I got depressed and then I left my father’s place, for the last time.

I had decided to kill myself. I saw that even though Dad could get angry at least Jeremy was still alive when we would all leave him with Dad. Pam and Dad convinced me that I deserved all that I was given. All the time they would do things like calling me a “f***ING LITTLE BITCH” and beating me, or telling me that I was ugly, stupid, and many other cruel things that I would rather not mention. I had such a low self-esteem and I believed that everything that went wrong in everybody’s life was because of me. So I decided to kill myself as the best way out for everyone, as after I was dead, how could I possibly cause pain or suffering in anybody’s life? So I started out that morning for Boronia Bridge, I figured that if I could land in the right position I could break something and possibly kill myself. I actually sat on the side of Boronia Bridge for about an hour, until I decided the best thing to do was to tell Ally goodbye before I died. So I went to school. I had a normal Friday and after school went to choir and netball, but decided to go over to a friend’s house after netball. Because I got out of her place after I was too late for the bus I asked Gail to drive me home. She drove me to Knox, whilst waiting for my bus to arrive I thought it would be a smart idea if I told Gail why her daughter had to die before she was attending my funeral. I told her and because I was late back to Pam and Steve’s I let my mother drive me back. When we were nearly home Mum turned to me and said, “You know, you could come home with me, I could look after you, and you’ll never get hurt or beaten again. I promise.” I took my mother up on her offer, which is why I am still alive now. But it didn’t take long until I wanted to at least see my family, so I made contact with my father. I started going over to his place (which I was not comfortable with thus the scar that you can now see on my left wrist.) I saw Ally that time and she told me that I could not be a part of her life unless I was a part of Steve and Pam’s lives because she could not afford to go against her mother. With her finances being the way they always are. That was the last time that I saw my stepsister. I held her in my arms and told her to never forget how much I love her and Jeremy. She promised and apologised for not being able to see me again.

Now as I sit here writing this I am crying, because I miss my stepsister and my nephew so much. There are so many fun memories I have of being with Allyson and Jeremy. It sounds stupid, but sometimes I even felt like Jeremy was my best friend and Ally was always my big sister and often my best friend. When it was nearing the end of my time with Steve and Pam I stayed at least four or five times a week with Ally, babysitting for Jeremy. I remember so many fun times when Ally and I would hire out a movie and we would talk, like Wendy and I do, but we never actually hugged, Ally just wasn’t like that. Ally was never as close to me as Wendy is, because I had promised myself that I would never let anybody close to me, but she was the closest thing I had at the time. I miss her so much, so many fun memories, gone. I wish I could commit suicide, but I know that it would hurt you too much.

I love you Wendy, thank you for loving me enough to ask me this question.

Nikki.