Day 1

Monday
january 9th
2017
Wilber

Day 1
My mom asked me how i was feeling today. She said i looked kinda sad.
I told her that i felt fine, and that i wasn't sad. I don’t know what's a bigger lie, that i'm not sad or that i'm happy. Some say that smoking or drinking can help you reach this state of euphoria, or a “high” that makes you feel happy. I find myself wondering what it's like to be happy. I wonder if everyone feels the way i do. I wonder if this is what it means to be normal, or if there's something wrong with me. My bet is on the second one.
I think about what it's like to be normal so often because of what the doctor said to me once, and other reasons. The doctor will ask how adolescents and most everyone else how they are feeling in a routine check up. One's natural instinct in the american culture is to think that they are fine regardless of how they are truly feeling. This is what i have done basically since i was asked at my first appointment as a child, regardless of how i truly felt. Kind of leaves a weird taste in my mouth when i really let myself think about that subject.
One day recently in the last few months when i went for my check up, and the doctor asked me, i hesitated. Stricken with a profound look on my face wondering why i just hesitated on answering the doctor. As soon as my eyes met the doctors, i knew the questions would begin. My mind is a mess, but i mean when is it not? I haven't had a clear thought of who i was or who i am or who i want to be or anything about me without contemplating my own death. Oh. That makes sense now. Now i know why i hesitated. Regardless. I put on my fake smile and answer every question the doctor asks me. All of my answers in that same monotone voice, all given with the same look, giving all my answers to make myself appear normal. Regardless.
My fake smile. It is kind of a double trick in itself, because i don't really know what a genuine smile is like. I have never tried to smile for myself. I have never tried to smile for the sake of being happy, but anyone could probably guess why that is. I smile to fit in. I smile to seem normal, but lack knowledge of what it means to be normal. So what does that make me? Another question i will ask myself in the dark.
I don't like this place. I don't like the sounds it makes at night. I don’t like its smell. I don’t like the marks. I don’t how alone i feel. I don’t like false hope, and this place is made of false hope. I can feel it all around me, endless expectations I am supposed to fill. Things i am just supposed to know. Things i am just supposed to do. Things i’m never supposed to do, but end up being the only things i do.
I don’t like this place. I don’t like who i am. I want to be who they want. Not me. I don’t like me.
I like the cold. Honestly i don't know why i like the cold. Maybe it is because the cold has always been there when i feel this way. Maybe i'm just another example of Pavlov’s dog experiment.
Maybe i’m meant to feel this way. Maybe i deserve to feel this way. Every society or community has that person. Maybe i’m that person. Maybe my purpose in life is to die. To be a warning to others so that they know what is not normal. I don’t like “maybes” but then again no one likes the truth. So maybe that's why i lie, behind this mask i wear every day.
Sometimes i wish it would happen to me. Sometimes i wish i could feel the sting again, so i can have something to blame how i feel. Sometimes i wish I had a reason to feel the way i do. Without a reason i just feel more and more lost every single time i think about it.
My mind is my enemy, but also my savior.