The Last Letter

The Last Letter
If you are reading this it’s because I’m no longer physically with you. But remember I will never leave you. I will always be with you watching over you. I know this will be hard for you and I love you more than you could ever fully understand. All my life I’ve wanted nothing but to see you succeed and make sure you were ok. Even if sometimes that meant staying away from you. Some of the happiest times in my life was when we were kids and I would come and visit for the weekend and we would go to the bowling alley and we would just hang out. Or when we would just hang out and play in the back yard or go on the paddle boat.
I am sorry for everything I did to you as a kid. I’m sorry that while you were in high school I had to keep my distance. I was involved with the wrong people and I didn’t want you to be associated or know the people that I was dealing with. I didn’t want to hurt you or have you see the things I was doing and involved with. But I want you to know that anytime you ever got in my vehicle it was clean and I would of never put you in any danger. I cared more about your life than I have ever cared about my own. Please don’t hate me. A big reason I lasted so long was because I didn’t want to hurt any of you. Especially I didn’t want to do something like this when you where young that would of scarred you for life and affected your path whatever it would have been. This depression is the main reason I used drugs and did some of the crazy things I did. I was trying to escape the feeling I had inside of me. But eventually after many years and many bad experiences I realized there is no numbing it, there is no escaping it. I must stand toe to toe and just fight it as long as I can.
I wish God would of granted me the determination that you and dad were blessed with. I remember talking to you at the golf course and telling you that I wouldn’t make it past 50. At the time I was smoking and was severely over weight. I wasn’t just talking about my physical health. I was mostly talking about my mental health. What I couldn’t tell you was I don’t know how long I can keep fighting. Every morning I wake up feels like another fight to survive. And I’m tired bud, I just want to sleep. And I couldn’t fight it anymore. It’s not that I want to quit. I just can’t feel the way I did anymore. There was nothing you could of done nothing anyone could of done to help me. I was fighting a losing battle since the day I was born.
The greatest part of my life is that I got to watch you grow up and become a man. When you were in junior high I remember watching you play basketball and I just knew you had a shot at doing whatever it is you wanted. I could see this in you because I knew it was something I would never have. This was part of the reason I was mad at you as a kid I knew even with all the talent I had that it was wasted on me. I was so angry, filled with so much hate, so alone in the world or at least I thought I was. Older I got I knew this wasn’t true of coarse but I didn’t change the fact that I felt that way all the way up to my death. I could be in a room full of people that where there just to see me and I would still feel alone.
So please if the thought of “is there something I could of done or something I should of done” pops into your head. There is nothing. And if you are angry at me I can understand, but please forgive me I never wanted to put you threw anything like this and trust me when I say I really did fight as long as I could. You are one of the major reasons I lasted so long in the first place bud. You saved my life more times than you will ever know. And it’s a miracle I lasted as long as I did. So please, please, please, don’t grieve over me. Celebrate the times we had together and do what I never could, Enjoy life. And know that I didn’t quit I just finally got caught and got knocked out. You only can fight for so long before you get caught. So remember I always have and always will love you brother. And whenever you start feeling sad that you can call me just look start talking cause I’ll be listening I promise. I love you and I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger for you. I swear to you I tried as hard as I possibly could to keep the fight going. I love you. And keep your head up, pop a bottle for me and keep living your life. You will see me again one day.