Never Grow Up

Oh, what is the perfect gift
That one can give to oneself?
For it was the last day of the weekend, spring,
On his birthday
Conqueror of the woods, he set out
In search of his traps to see if any game
Had stumbled into them.
Behold! There it was! A beast unlike any other!
Black stripes like coal, orange fur like autumn leaves,
And powdered sugar-white paws, digesting the bait
That had led to his undoing.
The hero leapt for joy; his trap had worked!
A companion he had found!

Upon release the creature spoke and gave an introduction,
“My name is Hobbes the Fierce. I come from afar,
From the land of jungles where I was king.
I ate antelope and deer and such,
And I’m the most fearsome of my kind.
Alas, I could not stay, for my stomach
Found itself rejecting these bland carcasses
And I began to crave a delicacy.
Tuna fish! Oh, succulent love!
It could not be found in my home!
So I traversed to foreign lands
And found myself caught in this trap!
Now, may I ask, who are you?”

The hero smiled and exclaimed proudly,
“Calvin is my name, son of Dad!
I set this trap for you,
For a tiger was the perfect gift for me,
And I shall have one!
Yield before my genius,
And join me as we explore the world.
Together, we will be invincible!
With your teeth and claws
You can devour anyone who opposes us!”

Hobbes looked down at the hero, thoughtful if only for a minute
And replied, “aren’t you a bit small
To dominate the world? Why,
You barely come up to my mid-leg!”

Upon this smart-alek remark, Calvin the Great
Found his temper nowhere to be found and shouted,
“for six years I have roamed this earth
And found injustice everywhere!
I fight against cruelties such as the prison they call school,
The monster who steals my lunch money,
The loss of television,
The gruel referred to as food, and cooties!
Join my genius- I, the creator of the Transmogrifier!
And we shall rid the world of injustice!
Never mind my size; it is of no importance.”

The furry fiend, appalled, considered the proposition.
After much thought he finally said,
“Tuna fish is my favorite, but I too love salmon.
Also, if you happen to hoard comic books,
Then I will stay.”
Then, the two grasped paw in hand,
Shaking on their newfound friendship.
From then on Calvin and Hobbes became inseparable.

That night the two headed off for bed,
Drunk off bravery, full with cookies,
They trudged up the flight of stairs that led to bed.
Oh! What an endless climb!
Would such a trail ever cease and lead
To the entrance of son of Dad’s domain?
What fools! Yet how were they to know
That at age six, the monsters come out
And began to reside under a bed?

Horrible, shapeless beings slithering beneath the mattress!
Hungry, loud, squashed, and impatient,
Awaiting the Hero’s demise.
Their teeth sharp like his mother’s kitchen knives,
Their slimy bodies left no trail, but a stink known only to the young.
Huddles in the darkness
Fearing only light.

As the companions finished the hike along the steep flight,
They opened the door, turned on the light
And swore they saw something move.
They stood there, arguing,
Over who would turn out the light while the other jumped to bed.
Who would risk life and limb
To ensure a peaceful night’s sleep?

It was Hobbes, in the end,
Who was forced to brave the dark.
For Calvin the Super Genius had argued
That his fur made the feline quite unappetizing.
And so the human left his animal companion
By the doorway,
Forcing him to test his speed, his agility, his bravery.
As Calvin gave the signal, the light was flicked off
And in an instant, faster than a flying snowball
Hobbes was safe underneath the sheets.
The monsters he had successfully evaded;
Not even a hair was lost.

To bait the monsters, a pillow was thrown to the ground
And shredded within a minute.
Greedy claws and hungry teeth stretched outward to devour
A feathered, goose-flavored pillow.
Yet Calvin knew that it did nothing
To satisfy the beasts.
Bat in hand, he waited for his new enemy
To appear and call a battle.

His bat was in oak of origin,
Louisville was where it was created
Given to him this very day;
A token from his father.
Never would it crack
Nor could it ever break,
This weapon that he was gifted.

There it was! A head poked out;
Teeth glimmered in the moonlight!
With a war cry of a thousand men
Calvin struck the beast.
The head cracked open, yielding to his bat.
Although no blood spilled out he knew
A fatal hit had taken place.
As Hobbes watched, prepared to strike,
They began to feel that no others would dare show.

They fell asleep that night,
No other attack ever made.
In the morning when they awoke
They saw no body to be found.
How crafty these monsters were!
To disappear before the parents would see!
They were sly, this was true,
But Calvin knew that they were no match for him.

Calvin was sent to school that day,
Hobbes was forced to stay at home.
So as Calvin walked to the bus stop
The was a sight to behold!

His rival! How rare, how strange
That he should come across her today!
Her bowl-cut hair brown like a stick,
Her eyes the color of chocolate chips.
Her backpack was purple, like
Insect guts in his comic books.

He approached her slowly, cautiously,
For he knew not how she would act.
Yet before his mind had come to an answer
The bus stopped by, running over a puddle
Creating a wave for his enemy,
Soaking her to the skin.
The Great Hero could do nothing but laugh
As he saw a worm caught in her hair.
“Oh! How lovely you look today, Susie Derkins!
With a squiggling little bug stuck in your crown of hair!
Say, by the way, do you know the answers for
Our math homework that was due today?
I met a new companion recently, and he forgot to do my work.
Would it trouble you to do it for me?”

Susie, in her fury, smiled wickedly as she replied,
“Nothing would make me happier
Than to ease your life, Mr. Calvin.
Here, I shall finish it on the bus.”
As the school came into view, Susie
Handed Calvin’s homework back to him.

Math, the first subject of the day
Did not bode well for young Calvin.
For he could not imagine how to fly a space craft
If he had to learn his times tables.
So while Calvin retreated for a time,
He heard his name suddenly spoken of,
“Oh yes! He helped me do the whole thing!
I do not know what I would have done without
Calvin to help me on this horrible worksheet!”

The teacher, ecstatic, replied,
“then Calvin, please come up to the board
And show us what to do for number fifteen.
I’m quite proud, you know, that you did it by yourself.
So please, hurry now,
And show the class how it’s done.
Thank you, dear Susie, for giving credit where
Credit is due.”

And so, walking to his execution,
Calvin began to tremble.
For who could know the answer
To a question that made no sense?
Madness! It was madness! His mind screamed
As he held the chalk to the board.
Then, Calvin remembered
What his pocket held.

Inside was a rubber band,
An indestructible one at that.
Also, he felt inside there,
A paperclip, some gum, and an eraser.
Quickly, fumbling through,
He made a weapon of great fear.
The rubber band was loaded, an eraser it prepared to shoot.
“Nobody move!” he threatened the class, pointing it to the teacher.
“You can’t make me do what I won’t do!
Now don’t make me shoot this and we’ll all be fine!”

The masses froze.
Each mind was aware
Of the pain Calvin the Great’s eraser carried
Bruises and welts were left as marks
To all those who crossed its path.
With ever body still he turned around,
Escaping from the impossible problem.

He ran home before noon came,
And open the door to explain
To his mother that the school
Had let out early today-
Didn’t she get the memo?
Well, anyway, that’s the story.
And Calvin asked if he could work in his room.

Confused but persuaded, his mother agreed
And in gleeful victory, he pranced up the stairs,
“Hobbes! Dear Hobbes! I have returned!
Let’s go on an adventure-
There’s no school until tomorrow!”

The jungle feline pondered,
Examining his escaped companion,
“In all I’ve ever seen,
No one, not one has ever dared to try
The actions you’ve done.
No human has ever dared to catch me,
Or run away from their prison holder.
You, Calvin, son of Dad,
are a friend unlike any other.
So yes, I will follow you on this adventure you seek
And whatever else you so decide.
Come, let us pack a tuna fish sandwich for our travels,
And see what this world can give.”

And that, young ones,
Ends the tale
Of the beginning of
Calvin the Super Genius and Hobbes the Ferocious.