Makes Ya Wonder

In my 31 years of life, I never expected to end up here. I always thought I'd get outta this town. The town with one red light, and where everyone knows the last time you wiped your nose. I've always been a dreamer, but none of my dreams have come true. I've always been a wisher, but none of my wishes came true. I've been used, and abused. I wish I could start over again. My possibilities would be endless. I feel like I've lead a wasted life. I'm not even sure what I've accomplished. I do have 3 children. My oldest from a guy who knocked me up at 17 and promised he'd stick around, but was out of sight two weeks later and never to be heard from again. My other two are from a very failed marriage to the worst mistake of my life. He spend four years lying, cheating, and hitting me. I finally got the nerve to leave him and remained alone for the next seven years. In those seven years, I went out alot looking to have fun and to have some sort of a life in this town. I made alot of mistakes and bad decisions. But two and a half years ago, I found a guy that liked me for me and fell in love with my children. As of now, I've been married to him for 41 days. Nothing, even with him, has gone as planned. We made date after date to get married, even bought a wedding dress but in the end we both knew that a wedding would probably never happen so we went to the Justice of the Peace and sat in the back of the courtroom while the judge sentenced his two fugitives before marrying us. We are very happy together, Most of the time he is gone out of town to work, so were only together on weekend and on the weekends he likes to drink, he says he needs to unwind from his busy work week. I've brought it up to him several times but it doesn't seem to phase him. But what could phase a man that doesn't acknowledge Christmas, V-day or Mother's Day for me. It hurts my heart but I deal with it. I've been diagnosed with depression and I've noticed that it's taken its toll again. I choose to deal with it on my own. I have no job, no life, no friends, no nothing. I feel very alone and very depressed, I barely have the energy to get out of bed in the mornings, much less a reason. I pray so hard to God every night to help me make something out of my life. I feel like a just a wasted space and I can't help but wonder what I'm doing here on Earth. All I can say is...Makes ya wonder what HIS plan is for you when HE makes it so hard.