Way of the gun.

Basically I was trying to get money for a trip and had applied to a few part time jobs thinking I would get a job, make a little bit of money, and then quit.

The only place that called me back was Army and navy And I got an interview about a week after I applied. This left no time to work before the trip so I decided I would make it a job for when I got home from vacation.
My first week was pretty uneventful, The uniform made me look like a retard, and I found out one my bosses was an elementary school chum that got pretty hot. My boss always made terrible jokes that I courteously laughed at, but always thought you were serious when you tried to be sarcastic with him, which made it awkward to talk to the man on any level. The usual weird new job quirks everyone gets.
The job was boring and unsupervised, and left me lots of time to look at the people I was protecting the store from. Not in a detective-criminal sense but in a human sense. You always hear people say they saw something completely weird during their day to day routine, what you don't know is that the only reason that was the only completely bizarre thing they saw is because they weren't paying attention. People are doing weird things, all day, no matter where they are or what they are doing.Yourself included.

The following transcripts are the unedited excerpts from the notebook I kept while working my last week:

SEP 25:

2:15: Nothing's happened yet. Except I did see an old black woman wearing a dress with three of her front buttons undone and you could almost see her entire bra. I wonder if anyone was said anything to her yet?

2:20: I just saw a guy with a backpack leave without buying anything. I'm fucking up.

2:30:Parents need to stop dressing their kids like Asian prostitutes. I just gawked at this girl for ten minutes before realizing she was eleven years old. Now I feel Like a piece of shit.

2:35:There is a guy who works here named "gai"(pronounced "gay").

3:00:A cougar just said to me " so you're the one I have to deal with if I get rowdy"? After telling her I was and casually joking that I would have to "take her down", she said "promises, promises", and touched my arm. Bitch fucking wants me.

3:10: I really want to have sex with the office girl

4:10: Guy who just left has the smallest head I have ever seen on a man.

4:30: Note to self: People who refuse to make eye contact are probably stealing. The same goes for people who make a point to make eye contact. Although I could really care less.

5:50: Hot cashier girl just pulled up her shirt to show another girl something on her back, Totally got a bra shot. It was awesome.

6:05: I haven't had to interact with people this much in so long that I'm pretty sure I've lost what little social skills I once possessed.

6:12: I fucking love staring at boobs

6:13: I mean I LOVE it. Seriously.

7:00:A drunk native guy just came in and said "this isn't the bingo hall". I'm not kidding.

7:45: Revelation: I've been fixing my shirt all day, tucking it back in when it gets too loose. When I tuck it in at the front it looks like I'm playing with myself. I wonder if anyone here has noticed this and thinks I'm openly masturbating in public while at work.

7:55: 2 year old girl just gave me the finger. Her mother didn't apologize. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm writing something down that is going to get her in trouble. She just left without shopping.

8:05: My balls stink. I think I need a shower.

8:30: Someone wrote sweet dreams are made of these", but they misspelled "these" to read "theese", and someone wrote over the "T" with a "C" so it says "sweet dreams are made of Cheese". I laughed for ten minutes.

SEP 26:

10:00: Kill me.

10:05: BE THE BALL!

10:20: Aren't old women supposed to be good at hiding the fact that their tits are saggy? You could spot the jugs on the 80 year old ancient gargoyle who just came in from space.

10:35: One of the cashiers here is one of the best examples of a butterface I have ever seen. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

11:35: I have seen two different people call a shopping cart a "buggy" now. What the fuck?

12:40: Time is going by at an astonishing snail-like speed and a 15 year old asian kid is looking at propane.

12:45: propane kid just left and came back in the store. he may be planning on stealing, keep an eye on it, Polumbo.

12:50: Asian girl with top shelf rack just came in. Remember to masturbate to mental image later.

12:55: Foreign lady just asked me if we carry Ghost. I said I loved that movie and she said "Is my favorite!". I wonder if she would think it was weird if I invited her to come watch it at my house since we both love it so much?

4:55: A gypsy woman refused to take her backpack off and called me an asshole. I think she may have cursed me, I'm not sure.

5:05: foreign people do NOT watch their fucking kids.

SEP 27:

10:00: scotch guarding your dick, do the pros outweigh the cons?

10:10: Starting to wonder what it is I'm being paid to do here.

10:20: Old guy came up to me and asked if I caught anyone today yet (a common occurrence, What is the elderly's fascination with department store justice?), and then told me he saw a woman steal beer by hiding it in her crotch on tv. Number one contender for favorite customer of the month?

11:00: Brown people have no sense of gratitude. Save their car keys from a forest fire swarming with chainsaw wielding grizzly bears, and they look at you as if you were just doing your job. No thank you, no smile, not even a nod of affirmation that you've done anything at all. That is the last time I hold the door open for old brown women.

11:20: not being able to have sex with everyone I want whenever I want is a bigger slap in the face than sending your wife on a trip to Morocco first class only for her to find Allah and find out she's leaving you for a man she's only known for three days who can't speak a word of english. (which is actually happening to the husband of the cleaning woman who works here). That guy must feel sorry for me.

11:45: Attention loyal Army and Navy customers :The front doors are NOT automatic. Stop flailing and stomping in front of them like idiots trying to trigger a sensor that isn't there. Thank you.

1:55: A really good looking girl just came in. I am nearly positive she is a lesbian. The pink triangle tattoo on her tit is a dead give away.

2:00: I just had a bubble's moment. I was putting away a shopping cart that was broken and I was like "this cart is FUCKED".

2:50: Just got back from lunch. A cashier told me the Mennonite girlfriend of her brain damaged brother accused her of stealing identities on her computer. So, I guess Mennonites are allowed to have computers.

3:40: Just met the cashier with the slow brother's boyfriend. He shook my hand and then said "you get paid to stand around all day, you're the only one". Fuck off, hair lip. I'm going to rail your girlfriend out of spite.

3:41: Mother fuckers name is Gregg, too. Nice moniker, dick.

3:55: Both of the girls who secretly want to sleep with me have boyfriends. That means either I'm wrong about how much they want to go down on me, or they're sluts. Since I'm never wrong, the latter is the only explanation.

4:00: A really hot girl just walked in sobbing and now she's buying a whole bunch of junk food.I want to tell her he's no worth it, burn all of the pictures of them together, and then I want to fuck her while she's vulnerable.

4:05: OLD ARAB GUY WITH A HOOK FOR A HAND! OLD ARAB GUY WITH A HOOK FOR A HAND! He looks like a bond villain!

SEP 30:
8:00: Why is chewing gum considered so impolite? So I'm chewing, fuck off. The way I was told not to do it you would think I was greeting people by making them watch me jerk off.

8:10: I just noticed the girl who want's to fuck me has a lazy eye. That makes three lazy eyes on the payroll.

EPILOGUE: What did I learn?

Later in the afternoon after the last entry I was making my rounds around the building when I slipped and fell on the escalator in front of the best looking girl on the staff, falling down halfway, causing myself a whole lot of pain and embarrassment. I left right after that, went to the doctors and was put off to rest my ankle which was twisted in the fall.
At first I thought it was great. I was going to get to lay in bed and collect a few days of compensation, and I would return the next Wednesday and everything would be fine. Then insecurity and shame started to nag me. I started picturing my self crashing down an escalator while my co workers watched on, pointing and laughing. I imagined them talking about it the whole time I was gone. They would have made up some sort of nickname for me like " the faggot who fell last week". In my mind I was the laughing stock of Army and Navy Department store and I was terrified to go back.
The day I was to return my mother had found out the business deal she had been waiting on had gone through and there was a job opening for me. I called in and placed my resignation and haven't looked back.

The experience was not unlike a life changing one, I had seen human nature at it most base and ridiculous, simply because I was in a position to watch. I had also wasted two weeks of my life in a poor man's Wal-Mart and was humiliated in open public. You get the give with the take I suppose.