Finding Me

The cool night air gently caressed my once vibrant caramel skin, which, after the last few months, had been reduced to a tired, washed-out gray. As I sat, knees tucked under my chin, hands wrapped around myself, I watched the tranquil water and wondered what it would be like to jump inside and let myself sink under.
How the water would feel filling my nostrils.
Obstructing my breathing… taking me away from a place I was sure I didn’t want to be. The sound of footsteps invaded my morbid thoughts but when I looked around, I saw nothing. Letting my toes skim the water, slightly disturbing what seemed like a dark stretch off glass under the moonlight, I closed my eyes, held my breath and began to count to ten in my head.
One, two, three, four, five— Before I got to ten, instinct made me stand up, but I kept staring at the watery portal that would take me to the other side. The footsteps. I wasn’t hallucinating.
“Sorry to scare you…” whispered the person I thought I’d imagined. I gasped at the sound of his voice then turned around to face him, trying to make out his features in the thick blackness of the night.
“What are you doing here?” I could barely recognize my own voice. I was really scared. Realization of my discomfort flashed across his face, which was now illuminated by the magical glow of a small red flashlight. This guy had tousled black hair, a small scrape on his right cheek… and a set of piercing green eyes that bore right through my chest, tugging at my heart. He bore an uncanny resemblance to the large portrait of Jesus my grandmother kept over her bed—she didn’t know it was too late for redemption.
He was extremely… beautiful.
Suddenly, I felt weak and my head started to pound. I became incapable of standing. I felt the guy’s foot touch mine when he sat down beside me. I could hear him breathing—louder than I’m sure he wanted to. When he finally spoke again, he looked directly at me, his face a mixture of confusion and worry.
“What the hell are you doing out here by yourself? At 11:30?” He paused for a second, and then his tone softened.
“Are you okay? I mean, I’m just sayin’… you look kinda lost to me,”
I couldn’t find my voice and resorted to biting my fingernails and continuously adjusting the green bra strap that nestled against my shoulder. After what seemed like forever, I felt the urge to talk, but I still couldn’t look at him.
“I was going to drown myself… I probably would if you hadn’t come here. I think slipping under water is the easiest way to go. It’s peaceful,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. Something drew my eyes up to his and I saw that he was shocked stiff. He wasn’t even blinking. Maybe I scared him by being so honest. And I didn’t know why I was; I guess I needed to let those words out after months of floating around inside my mouth.
“Jesus… wow,” he said slowly, not sure of what to say next. “I’m glad you didn’t. I guess you’re lucky I’m here then,”
He seemed to recover quickly from the initial shock of stumbling across a psychopath and managed to smile. One of his teeth was slightly chipped and I found myself wondering about the scratch on his cheek. He didn’t seem like a fighter. With his smile though, came an agonizing feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it took all the strength I had left to suppress the memory of a smile just like his… plastered on the face of someone who was the exact opposite of who he was.
“It’s normal for me to be sitting by a pool in the middle of the night, but you seem… well, normal. So what made you come out here?” I asked, watching a small bird fly from tree to tree, soaking up the beautiful night sky. I envied him… I wished I could be that free.
“I was picking up my little sister from a friend’s house… and I stopped the car to take a piss over there in the bush,” He gestured to the bush and continued. “And that’s when I saw you. I just couldn’t drive off, could I? Aren’t you glad you’re not alone right now?”