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A fish, a drunk, a landfill fairy, and the spork of doom |
| [Introduction]
This is just an experiment in insanity. Just add 1-5 sentences to the story. Anything goes. When I say anything, I mean anything. Kill off characters, bring them back to life, contradict reality, whatever. I prefer just silliness and fun. So have fun! Beginning: Herbert swam back and forth in his tank. He was struck by an awesome idea. "Hey," Herbert thought, "I should go for a walk!" Then Herbert remembered he was a fish. He contemplated this dilemma. |
| "Well, why shouldna't I go for a walk?" He was still contemplating what to do when his 'owner' came over holding another fish bowl. "Look, Herbert. I bought you a new friend." He set the bowl on the table next to him. Inside was the best birthday gift he could ever ask for. |
| "Oh my god!" Herbert exclaimed, "It's a hooker fish!" Herbert was just about to jump into the other tank to get down with the hooker fish, when a can of gasoline spilled into his tank and a burning candle got knocked into the water, burning Herbert alive. His owner, Senior Stuffinfluff, came back and saw the dead Herbert and decided to fry him up for lunch along with the hooker fish. |
| He grabbed both fish, one burnt and one flopping around, and put them in a bowl next to the stove. The hooker fish nudged Herbert "Hey honey, you still alive?" "Do I want to be alive?" Herbert flopped around and gasped in pain. "Now what do we do?" |
| At that very moment, Senior Stuffinfluff reached into the bowl and grabbed both fish and then threw them into the frying pan. They both died. After Senior Stuffinfluff was finished eating them, he decided to go for a walk. He had been walking for two blocks when he ran into a girl named Phlange. |
| Phlange was HOT, hotter than any woman Senior Stuffinfluff had ever met. "Hi there, little lady, wanna grab a drink sometime?" Phlange looked him up and down; he was a little on the old side but hey, there was nothing wrong with a free drink. "Sure, there's a bar right around the corner." Hooking her arm through his, she directed him to the bar. |
| Suddenly a crazy hobo ran up and shot Senior Stuffinfluff in the head and he died instantly. Phlange sighed, "I'm never gonna get free drinks." Then she turned to the hobo. "Hey, your over 21, you wanna buy me a drink?" The hobo muttered incoherently and began peeing on the sidewalk. |
| A cop pulled up and got out of the car, "Ma'am, this guy bugging you?" "No, just showing off; when do you get off your shift?" "In about an hour, would you like to go for drinks?" Finally! They made arrangements to meet later and Phlange went home to change. |
| Meanwhile, in the nearby space landfill, a plot is being formed in order to keep Phlange from ever being able to satisfy her alcoholic cravings. The landfill fairy had long been angered by the fact that alcoholics always drink all their booze and are never considerate enough to send any her way, so she is going to steal the world's alcohol supply. |
| However, the great cereal guru, Fruit Loops, learned of the landfill fairies plan to make the whole world miserable and decided to thwart her because, after all, she was the only one who was allowed to make the world miserable with her plot to take all the cereal and if the landfill fairy succeeded in her mission, then the world wouldn't even care if all the cereal was gone. So, Fruit Loops grabbed her knife and headed for the landfill. |
| Meanwhile back at the bar, Phlange and Sgt. Abs were sitting at a table ordering drinks. The waitress eyed the cop up and down as she left to fill their order. She returned with a glass of whiskey for the cop and a double shot of vodka for Phlange. "Hey, what's this in my glass?" There was Herbert, swimming happily in the vodka. |
| Disgusted, she demanded that the waitress bring her a water and an empty glass. Plange drained the vodka into the empty glass and put Herbert in the water. "Guess I'm not getting anything here." She sighed and left the bar, swaying seductively as she walked. She didn't look to see if the cop followed. She knew he would. |
| Meanwhile, just outside the door, the landfill fairy was waiting for Phlange to come out of the bar so she could beat her to death with a rubber chicken. Just as Phlange came out the door, the fairy ran toward her but was suddenly tackled by Fruit Loops who dragged her into the nearest ally and held a knife to her throat. "Please," the landfill fairy said, "Don't kill me, I'll do anything." Fruit Loops put the knife back in her pocket. "Very well," said Fruit Loops, "You must come with me to find Miss Lamia who stole my spork of doom." |
| In a swank penthouse, Miss Lamia stroked the handle of the spork, marveling at how easy it had been to steal. Now, she had the power to make the men of the world bow down and worship women as they should. She had forgotten something when she stole the spork of doom from the ceral guru, something very important, something that without it, the spork of doom was nothing more than a piece of silverware. She slipped the spork into her pocket and left the penthouse, taking one of the elevators down. After all, all she needed was the darn instruction manual to the spork of doom because they failed to put it online. |
| Meanwhile, back in the bar, Phlange was just coming out of the door with the cop close behind. The cop stepped into the street to hail a cab and suddenly got hit by a bus. He died instantly. "Well FUCKING A!" exclaimed Phlange and went in search for another sucker. Fruit Loops and the landfill fairy watched her walk away, the landfill fairy frowning in disappointment for not getting to kill her. |
| At Fruit Loops home, Miss Lamia was searching through the papers on her desk, looking for the damn instructions when the lights flipped on. Fruit Loops was standing there, holding the instruction booklet while the landfill fairy floated somewhere off to his left with a gun pointed at her. "You didn't think you were going to get away with stealing the spork of doom, did you?" Fruit Loops smiled as Miss Lamia cam around the deask and perched on the edge of it, twirling the said spork in her fingers. "You can't really blame a girl for trying can you?" |
| "Well actually, I can." Fruit Loops smile was cold, without a trace of friendliness. "You see, the Spork is not to be used unless absolutely necessary to, you know, save the universe or something. You stealing it for selfish means is unacceptable." This time, her smile was feral, showing her slightly pointed teeth. |
| Suddenly, Phlange burst though the door of Fruit Loops house. She surveyed the scene in front of her with a confused look on her face. "This isn't the bar," she commented. "that bastard said there was a bar here and he'd buy me some drinks." Phlange saw Miss Lamia with the spork of doom in her hands. "Thanks, how did you know I needed a fork?" Phlange grabbed the spork from Miss Lamia and then disappeared instantly. |
| "Damn that Phlange. I need that fork to make men worship women as they should!" Miss Lamia went off after her. "You two know that if she knows what the spork is capable of, she'll never be sober again!" Fruit Loops looked at the Landfill Fairy, who looked back at Fruit Loops, while Miss Lamia looked on; all were thinking the same thing: Now what? |
| Fruit Loop turned to Miss Lamia and said, "Well I guess I can wait on punishing you till I get my spork back. You may be useful until then. Hmm... I'm not sure how we'll find Plange. We'd have to look at every bar and liquor store in the known universe. That would take to long, so I shall consult the oracle. You two are welcome to come if you think you can do any good." |
| Miss Larnia watched Phlange skip down the sidewalk, spork in hand, and shrugged. "I suppose I could cancel my massage appointment. My guy, Julio Abs, got hit by a truck anyway. The back-up is too hairy for my taste. So, anyway, where're we going?" |
| "Hey ya'll!" Chealce said as she walked around the corner and pulled her skirt down, "Long time no see!" She reached around and gave everyone a big hug. "I just got back from visiting my mama." She pulled a piece of chewed gum out of her undersized shirt and stuck it in her mouth. The others cringed. "I'm a bugging ya'll?" |
| Fruit Loops stared daggers at Chealce. "No... not at all, what on earth would give you that idea?" She turned back to Miss Lamia, "We're going after Phlange of course so lets go! Don't let her skip away!" As they started to run after Phlange, Fruit Loops turned to Chealce and put her hand on her arm "Why don't you....uh... stick around here in case anyone shows up. We could use some... uh.... extra protection.... on the house." |
| "If we hurry we might catch her before she does something stupid, like figure out how to use the damn spork." Miss Lamia was still looking out the window at the distant figure of Phlange. Looking at Fruit Loops, "She didn't get the manual, right?" "Of course not; now get out of the window so we can go." "Fine, but lets hurry so I can try to steal the thing again, this time with the manual, shall we?" |
| Meahwhile, Plange had just skipped around the corner and up the steps to her apartment building. Going inside, she flopped down on the couch and started eating her leftover chinese with the Spork while she watched Herbert the fish swim in his giant margarita glass on her coffee table. |
| Suddenly the spork buzzed in her mouth. She pulled it out, shocked to see it glowing. "Radioactive piece of crap." she muttered, throwing it across the room as she went to wash out her mouth. |
| "Okay, will do!" Chealce said watching them run off in the opposite direction. She shrugged. "Someone's got a bee in their bonnet." She said to herself as she continued on her way to her temporary apartment building. Temporary until she got a new job. "What in the hell are they looking for Plange for... everyone knows where Plange is." She said coming to realization of what everyone was actually doing. Chealce's mind was racing as she walked up the steps and into the building. She went to her room and changed into a very elagant looking dress for the fashon designer's party that was being hosted in an hour; the best part... the party was for her. She put up her hair, and put on some elagant make-up. A big change from her country girl look. Now, she went out of her room and walked down a few flights of stairs, and knocked on a door. She stood there for a good five minutes before she heard someone yell, "Come in!" She came in the door careful to close it behind her and went searching around the house for Plange. She found her in the kitchen, washing out her mouth. "Hello Plange...What are you doing? Never mind, everyone is looking for you." Plange turned around to face her. "Why?" "You tell me and we'll both know." "Wait, who are you?" Plange asked puzzled and concerned. "Chealce, pleasure to meet your aquaintance." "How do you know me?" "I've seen you around before, you're all over the place." |
| Phlange stared at Chealce for a few moments. "Okay...." she said as she spit out some more water. "So.... Chealce, you look like your going somewhere important, would you like to take this radioactive fork with you? It would make a great conversation piece." "Sure, why not?" Chealce responded as she took the spork from Phlange. "Great!" Phlange exclaimed, "Now, run along, I need to kill this fish in my margarita glass cause apparently frying a fish doesn't kill it." After Chealce left, Phlange then proceeded to pull out her portable black hole and threw the margarita glass, fish and all, into the center destroying the existence of the fish. |
| Phlange walked into her kitchen and poured herself another margarita, sans Herbert. Meanwhile, The group ended up at the "Bar Street," where the entire street was full of pubs and bars. "This will take forever!" Miss Lamia exclaimed, right about the time a group of guys whistled at her. Her head whipped around, fixing an ice stare on them. By the time she was done, the guys were in a bloddy heap on the ground and she was licking the blood off her knuckles. |
| During this display of insanity, Fruit Loops and the Landfill Fairy decided that they might be better off searching for the spork on their own. They quietly walked away and were quickly out of sight. Miss Lamia looked around when she was done with the guys and noticed they were gone. "Oh well," she said to herself, kicking one of the guys one last time. "I'll find it quicker on my own anyways." |
| In the mean time, Fruit Loops and the Landfill Fairy were standing, distracted, inside a candy store. "You think they have free samples?" Fruit Loops asked. "Sure." said Landfill Fairy. "As long as they don't see you, they're free." Fruit Loops took one and popped it into her mouth, much to the horror of the store owner. |
| Chealce walked out of the apartment building and around the corner of the street, holding the good for nothing radioactive fork in her hand tightly. Her mind racing, why, why was this radioactive? Why did Phlange want so badly to get rid of it? Why did she give it to her? There had to be more behind the story besides what was on the surface. She lifted her hand to look at the fork more intently, she looked at all of the gizmos and such attached to it. Chealce didn't even notice as she walked by the candy store and almost ran into this odd looking man. |
| Fruit Loops looked out the candy store window and saw Chealce holding her spork of doom. "Landfill fairy, LOOK! That woman has my spork of doom!" She grabbed the landfill fairy and made a mad dash out of the store. Just as she was about to grab Chealce, some strange guy pulled Chealce into a car and drove away. Fruit Loops stood on the sidewalk in complete shock watching the car drive away. |
| Miss Lamia walked out the fifth bar, just to see the car drive away and Fruit Loops standing on the sidewalk. She walked over to a biker and 'persuded' him to let him borrow his Harley. She took off after the car with Chealce in it, just as it turned the corner. She accelerated around the corner, into traffic. With the bike, she wove in and out until she saw the car again, almost to the light. |
| Chealce was sprawled across the back seat of the man's car. She slowly sat upright, making sure nothing was broken. Looking up, she came face to face with the barrel of a 45. The second guy in the passenger seat looked her up and down and said to the driver, "You've snagged us a fancy little tramp this time, haven't you?" He looked at Chealce again. "If you have any valuables, cash or cards, now would be the time to hand them over." Chealce pulled the spork and $0.52 out of her pocket. "This is all I have," she said as she handed them to the man. |
| The man looked them over. "That's a pretty nice spork, I could use it for my salad- I mean steak. I don't eat salad. Do you have a spoon? My wife collects spoons." |
| Chealce looked around at the man, "I don't carry spoons." "That's too bad." "I have somewhere I need to be." Chealce said looking at the expensive watch on the man's arm. "Where'd you get the spork?" "Phlange gave it to me." Chealce replied honestly. "Who's Phlange?" "I don't really know." "She's of no use to us Boris throw her out!" The man yelled to another. The car stopped and Chealce was forced out of the car, and it drove away. |
| Fruit Loops snapped back to reality and grabbed the landfill fairy. She ran around the corner of the block just in time to see Miss Lamia grabbing the spork from Chealce and Chealce walking away a little confused and annoyed. Fruit Loops and the landfill fairy circled around Miss Lamia who was holding the spork, a tear of happiness forming in the corner of her eye. Suddenly, the spork imploded. All of their eyes widened in shock. "Where did it go?" Fruit Loops exclaimed. "It... imploded," Miss Lamia replied. "What?! How did it implode?" "I don't know." |
| "I'm pretty sure that last drink wasn't spiked with something other than alcohol," Miss Lamia wiped her hands together. "What the hell was that about?" "Don't look at me, I have no idea," Fruit Loops backed up a bit when Lamia looked at her. "Oh, don't get your kickers in a knot, it's usless now. Where'd that 'Chealce' go? I bet she knows what happened." The Landfill Fairy floated along, keeping silent, waiting for a time to take her revenge. |
| Chealce listened from the other side of the tree she was leaning against, thinking to herself. "Wow, that spork was really important to those guys. Man they're weird... Maybe I shold tell them where to look for all things that "implode." On second thought... they're a little too weird." So, she concentrated hard, and her short blonde hair became waist length and deep, blue tinted black in color. "That should do it," she murmured. She stepped out from behind the tree and walked down the street away from the others. |
| Still she wondered, what was this "Spork" thing good for anyway... imploding? There had to be something about it. Chealce walked on to where she actually was supposed to be, and finally decided that it had nothing to do with her, and she really should be concerned with this object or the people who were after it. |
| Fruit Loops looked around for Chealce but didn't see her anywhere. "Okay, everyone split up and look for her." So the three of them all went in different directions. After Fruit Loops had been walking a couple blocks by herself she ran into Phlange who was hanging out outside a bar. Fruit Loops was about to turn in the other direction when she saw that Phlange was holding none other than the spork of doom! She snatched it before Phlange even knew she was there and ran all the way back to her great cereal lair without bothering to notify Miss Lamia or the landfill fairy because after all, it was her spork. |
| "Freaking-A!" Phlange yelled "I need another drink." Fruit Loops hurried back to her office and pulled the users manual out of her pocket. She laughed histerically. "Now is the time for my plan to take effect...As soon as I find where I wrote down my to do list for my plan. All I remember is it had something to do with cerel." She started looking through the papers on her desk, looking for the damn list. |
| Fruit Loops decided that whatever her original plan was, it wasn't worth it if she couldn't remember. She made a new plan concering cereal. She decided to implode every kind of food in the world besides fruit loops, because they were her favorite. She would put her face on fruit loops boxes and everyone would see her constantly. Then she would take over the world. She didn't think the food thing was necessary to take over the world, but it was just funner that way. |
| But, little did Fruit Loops know, she had angered the god of Celestial implodments and deranged pumpernicle loafs, Otherwise known as I.C. Ded Ppl. Ded for short. "Who dares implode a spork?" Ded exclaimed as he beamed down into Fruit Loop's room, hitting his head on the celeing. "Only I may implode things!" |
| Fruit Loops jumped as this strange new being entered into her room from the ceiling. "What?! Who are you you?" Fruit Loops stammered. Ded looked valiantly toward the ceiling and stuck his chin out. "I'm am the God of Celestial implodments and..." suddenly he was interrupted by a large bang and he whipped his head around to see the door open and Miss Lamia and the Landfill fairy running into the room. Ded looked back and Fruit Loops had disappeared. |
| Ded turned back to Miss Lamia and the Landfill Fairy. "Lamia, you better have a good explanation for why you are in my presence." Miss Lamia looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car. "Ok, in my defense I didn't know you were here; I'm not the one who imploded that damn spork; It did that on its own." Ded looked thoughtful for a moment, then said "I guess you could be useful in helping me find Fruit Loops before she takes over the world; I need to get back to my imploding and pumernickel loaves. Are you up to helping me or should I kill you now?" |
| "What kind of choice is that?" Miss Lamia pouted. "You know I'll help you with those options." The Landfill Fairy was trying to discretely make her exit, but Ded spotted her. "Oh... who are you supposed to be?" The Landfill Fairy nearly turned purple with indignation. "Why, I'm the Landfill Fairy of course! Don't you know who I am?" "Hmm... that sounds vaguely important. I suppose you could be included in that whole help or die thing, too." Without waiting for an answer, Ded turned to Miss Lamia and handed her a goldfish in handheld mini tank. "Here, take the celestial goldfish. He will help you in your quest. His name is Herbert." With that, Deds imploded back into his own universe for the time being. |
| Miss Larnia looked at Herbert, who was looking right back with a fish's unblinking stare. A small bubble slowly floated to the top, and her eyes widened. Unfortunately, Ded had forgotten to mention that celestial fish were excellent hypnotists. |
| Chealce barged through the door pushing the Landfill Fairy to the ground, and tumbling to a stand. She looked around at all of them. "Where's the Spork?" Chealce demanded. She looked back and forth at the two of them. They blinked, obliviously shocked at the events that had taken place. "Where is it? Where's Ded? SPEAK!" Chealce yelled. They looked her up and down. For she was wearing this rediculous black spandex suit, with some sort of gun strapped to her leg. They blinked again. "Am I going to get some answers?" She asked, flipping her red hair aside. She shook her head and strode back out the door; help the Landfill Fairy to her feet as she left. |
| Ded had witnessed the sceen from his heavenly abode. He shook his head in embarresment. His chosen ones...compleatly useless! One was succeptable to a slightly hypnotic fish, and the other one was so puny, she was knocked right over by an extreamly strage human. "I really wish some extreamly awsome hero would pop up out of nowhere that I could put my trust into." Ded Wished. But nothing happened. That's what I get for angering the God of Fast food and Wish granting... Ded thought as he put all his hopes into the two women, that were almost assured to fail in their quest to obtain the spork. |
| After Chealce exited the room, Miss Lamia unconsciously turned her attention back to Herbert whose hypnotic gaze held her until the Landfill fairy figured out what was going on. "I'll just hold on to this for now," The Landfill fairy said as she took Herbert causing Miss Lamia to snap out of her trance. "What? No! Ded gave him to me! He's mine!" Miss Lamia clumsily grabbed the tank and Herbert fell out on the floor. Suddenly a portal to hell opened and dragged Herbert all the way to the deepest level straight into a martini glass that was just about to be served to Fruit Loops. |
| "So who are you to Ded, anyway?" "Not now, LOOK!" Miss Lamia knelt by the portal where the floor was still semi solid, and peered deep into the fashionable bar where the portal had taken the hypnotic fish. Thankfully, Herbert couldn't hypnotize her again because Fruit Loops was leaning over the glass to speak to her companion. The Landfill Fairy squaked in indignation as she recognized the man. "That lying jerk!" Miss Lamia looked at her in confusion. "That guy is my baby brother!" Miss Lamia smiled, "Nice genes." |
| Miss Lamia and the Landfill Fairy quickly leapt through the closing portal. They landed lightly on their feet next to the suprised Fruit Loops and struck a heroic pose. The three looked at each other for a few moments. Then, Fruit Loops stood. "Well, good luck getting outta here, guys," she said as she waved the spork and disappeared. Looking around, the Landfill Fairy saw the portal was closed and grabbed Herbert in his martini glass. She held him up to eye level and screamed "Help us get outta here you stupid fish!" He stared back at her and blew another bubble. |
| Cheace was somewhere between a half walk and a half jog down the side walk trying to determine where Frut Loops would be headed to next. These stupid idiots were angering the Gods... and mostly Ded! The careless fools, they knew nothing. It was only her duity to make sure that the world stay safe. If I had the spork, she thought, I would rid the world of careless fools! She turned a corner to see Fruit Loops walking down the street spork clentched tightly in hand. Chealce walked up sliently until she was walking directly beside Fruit Loops. "They're coming down the street this way Fruit Loops, if you follow me I can lead you to a hide away. A place where they will never find you. If you hide there for a few days they'll give up looking for you." Chealce said softly not looking into her face or even appearing as though she was talking to Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops nodded as if accepting this new quest, with this strange girl. |
| Miss Lamia threw Herbert down on the ground. "Stupid fishy! Take us home!" She shouted. But, suddenly, the fish floated out of his fishbowl! He casually took out a bow-tie and fastened it upon his chest. "Good evening Miss Lamia and Landfill Fairy. As you know, I am Herbert, Ded's manservent. "But you're a fish! How can you be a manservent?" Landfill Fairy asked Herbert. "I am going to ignore your pitifully annoying and stupid question Landfill Fairy, and get to the point. All you need to do to get out of here is find the reverse spork. This after all, backwords world." As Miss Lamia looked around, suddenly the chairs stuck to the ceiling and the fan spining on the floor made a lot of sense. |
| Miss Lamia let out a huge sigh. "Does this mean we have to find reverse Phlange? Or reverse Fruit Loops? Or..." she was cut short as a spork flew across the room, nailing Herbert straight in the heart. He fell to the ground, dead. "Oh my God! Hebert!" Miss Lamia screamed as her last hope died. She turned to see who had thrown the spork and saw a strange woman standing in the middle of the room. "Hi, I'm Miss Batman. I just wanted to nail a fish" and then she disappeared. The landfill fairy tapped Miss Lamia on the shoulder. "It's okay, Lamia, this is the spork we need anyway," she said as she pulled it out of Herbert heart. |
| "Okay, no more alcohol for me for awhile...Miss Batman wanted to nail the fish with the reverse spork we needed, the fish was a manservent, and Fruit Loops is no where to be seen." Miss Lamia kicked the stupid fish across the room, just to make sure he was dead. "Did that one come with an instruction manual or do I have to go steal it from Ded?" With a loud crack, Ded appeared in the room. "Now, Lamia, you know how much trouble you got into the last time you tried to steal something from me." The Landfill Fairy looked to Miss Lamia who said, "Hey, that was a good bottle of sipping rum. And you had given it to me the night before and couldn't remember it. Are you gonna give us the manual or not, Ded?" "You don't need it. There are instructions on the side of the spork. This one shouldn't implode." He turned away before saying, "of course, it could always explode..." |
| Miss Lamia swung the spork wildly around above her head. Nothing happened. "You idiot, didn't you hear him say the instructions are on the side?" The Landfill Fairy snatched the spork and read. "Good thing I'm fluent in Finnish." She suddenly jabbed Miss Lamia in the arm with the spork. "What the-!" Miss Lamia screamed. "It requires a blood sacrifice in order to work," the Landfill Fairy serenely replied as the spork began to glow. |
| Miss Larnia made a mental note to tackle the Landfill Fairy after all of this was over. Too bad she couldn't do it now, but she didn't want to get left behind. Unfortunately, the spork's glow faded and turned red. "Low battery. Connect to power." it screeched. Miss Larnia rolled her eyes. "You have got to be kidding me. How the heck do you charge a spork?" The Landfill Fairy shrugged. "I think we have to put it in one of those plug-in things." She unplugged the juke box and shoved the spork into the holes. An electric current flowed out and she jumped back, bumping into Herbert, who was brought to life by the shock. |
| Chealce and Fruit Loops casually walked down the street, Chealce, keeping a close eye on the spork and all who surrounded. She knew that Fruit Loops would trust her and would accept her as an alli. Perhaps eventually, she would get the ugre to kill Chealce and go through with her plans; as for now, Fruit Loops needed her. They walked passed a few shops and then right to the hideout that she suggested. Behind a dumpster stood a door at least ten feet tall, so well hidden even though it stood at least four feet above the dumpster. Fruit Loops stood there wide-eyed, taking in the scene. Chealce slid the dumpster to the side and cracked open the door, just wide enough for them to get through. Inside it was compeltely pich black and nothing could be seen except for the light that flooded in from the door. "Ladies first," Chealce said holding the door open for Fruit Loops to enter. She gave her an odd look that gave away what she was thinking, or warning. However, she entered first and Chealce made it appear as if she was actually following behind her. "It would probably be wise to close the door Fruit Loops, anyone could have followed us her." Though Chealce knew that this was impossible. "Don't look at me, close it!" She yelled attempting to look around the room and try to see through the darkness. Chealce backed up a few steps and shut the door on Fruit Loops. She heard a female screen and a smile curled onto her lips. She knew that DEDSSS has got the spork from Fruit Loops at last! She opened the door to find Fruit Loops helpless in a jail like cage in the middle of the room. The lights now turned on. Members of the DEDSSS patted her on the back, congradulating her. "Three cheers for the DEDSS!" Yelled one member. "What in the hell does DEDSS stand for?" Fruit Loops yelled over the cheering. "Ded's secrete service." Chealce whispered. |
| "Ded's Secret Service?" "You tricked me!!" Fruit Loops exclaimed from her cage prison. "Indeed we did Fruit Loops. I have been waiting a thousand minutes for this oppertunity, and couldn't pass it up for anything. Now, hand over the spork!" Chealce commanded Fruit Loops. It was at that moment in time, just before the spork was taken by Chealce, that an electric hole opened in the wall, causing the failure of the lights. After lots of shouting an swearing, the power came back on, only to revele that Fruit Loops had escaped, but there were others still in her cage. "Where the hell are we now?" The Landfill Fairy asked Miss Lamia. "After we got shocked by the reverse spork, You, me, and Herbert where sent flying through an electrical wormhole, where we were launched right into the forwords realm, and right into Fruit Loops, who managed to get out of her cage and replace herself with us so no one would notice until the lights went back on." "Oh. I'm sorry. I have a bad memory." Landfill Fairy stated. "Oh, boy, Ded Won't be pleased..." Herbert said trembling. "Why? Because we let Fruit Loops escape?" "No, because on the way in we broke his most favorite ceramic pot!" |
| "So..." the Landfill fairy said looking at Chealce, "Can we go now? I mean you don't really need us and its a tad uncomfortable in here." "yeah sure whatever," Chealce said, a numb sort of expression on her face. Miss Lamia and the Landfill fairy left the building. They walked down the street a few blocks and ran into none other than Fruit Loops. They were getting ready to attack when they noticed she was kinda frozen on the spot... and there was no spork in her hands. Miss Lamia approached her. "Fruit Loops? What happened? Where's the spork?" Fruit Loops snapped out of her trance and looked at Miss Lamia, "I... She.... Miss Batman just appeared out of nowhere and grabbed it. She said something about nailing a fish." |
| "Miss Batman again? What the hell did that fish do to her anyway?" Miss Lamia looked from Fruit Loops to the Landfill Fairy. "And who the hell is this Chealce anyway? She locked us up in a cage, keeps getting her hands on the spork, and to top it off, works with Ded!?!?!" Fruit Loops laughed, earning herself a glare from Miss Lamia. "Look, its almost dawn. Since Chealce seems to be a step ahead of us, why don't we go and take a look at her apartment? Maybe we can get some answers from her there." The Landfill Fairy kept looking around, barely paying attention. "Do you need to go find your brother?" Miss Lamia looked actually concerned. "Yeah I do, but I'm not letting you anywhere near him." Miss Lamia laughed in her face. "Oh come on, I'm not THAT hard on my guys." Both women muttered 'yeah right' under their breaths, just barely loud enough to be heard. "Hey! I heard that." |
| Fruit Loops and Miss Lamia started toward Chealce's apartment, only to notice that the Landfill Fairy wasn't following. They turned and staired pointedly at her. She stood for a moment, deep in thought, then noticed them staring. "You know... I think... Why don't you guys go on. I'm going to try to track down this "Miss Batman." I have a feeling she's important and somewhat more than she appears. I mean... I don't think she's really a bat or a man if she's a Miss, and she appears to be more powerful than either of you two..." she trailed off, then seeing the looks on their faces, she quickly added "No offense, but it is true," and floated on down the block. |
| I can't believe it, we were so close! SO CLOSE! Chealce relayed in her mind what had happened and why it did. Although she registered it in her mind as impossible, she knew that it wasn't and everything was perfectly possible. She stood pacing around her appartment. Where am I going to go now? What am I going to do? There is no trace of the spork... "WHERE IS IT?!" Chealce yelled in fustration. Chealce walked into the kitchen and grabbed a handfull of tea bags throwing them into the pot of freshly boiled water. She then grabbed a few cups from the cabnet and brought them over to the table. When she set them down on the table she noticed that there was some funky gunk stuck to the bottem of one cup. So, she took this cup over to the sink to rinse it. Then returning to throughly examine the other cups. Finally satisfied that there was no more funky gunk in any of the cups she retrieved the still hot tea. When she tried to pour the large pot it slipped from her wet hands and hit the floor shattering into a million little pieces and taking a cup to the grave as well. She looked down at her now throbbing and bloody hand. Chealce wrapped her hand in a cloth tying it tightly, she then leaned over the sink, gripping the edges tightly, and peering deep into the drain. She saw a few people approaching outside the door. |
| Ded chuckled as he reclined in his pumpernickel form, hidden in Chealce's cabinet. Hurting people via tea spillage was always the way to make him feel amused and very all powerfull.Not that the spork didn't, it's just he didn't have it right now. With the spork he could implode anything. Now THAT was a good time. "Who's that outside my window? Is that Fruit Loops?" Chealce shouted quizically, still gripping her burning hand. "Well, well, well. The culprit herself." Ded wispered. "Fruit Loops shall pau for stealing my spork. A back massage, AND a thirty pickles. THAT will teach her..." |
| But it wasn't Fruit Loops. When Chealce answered the door, there was Miss Batman. Chealce looked at her. "Who are you?" "I am Miss Batman. I hear that you want the spork of doom. I have the spork in a secure location. Meet me by the abandoned Pickle factory and bring the fish they call Herbert and you will get your spork." And with that, Miss Batman disappeared into thin air. Just then, Fruit Loops and Miss Lamia showed up at the door. |
| Chealce tried to slam the door shut, but unfortuneatly, Miss Lamia was quicker. She slipped a sword between the door and the door jam, effectively keeping the door open. With a flick of her wrist and a shove of her shoulder, the door flew open and she entered, the sword held menacingly at her side. Fruit Loops entered behind her. "What do you two want?" Chealce fell backwards into a chair. She shivered as the steel sword rested against her neck. She looked up and saw that Miss Lamia's eyes were dark and scary. Fruit Loops was the one who spoke. "We need answers and since you seem to be in the way, your going to answer then for us." Fruit Loops sat in the chair across from Chealce. "And if I don't tell you?" She flinched as the sword pressed closer into her neck. Miss Lamia smiled. "Use your imagination." Chealce nodded slowly, worried about getting a scar on her neck from the sword. "Good" She eased the pressure on her sword just a little, "Now, who is Miss Batman?" |
| Suddenly, as if a thousand gallons of water had burst towards the dam, and that little Danish boy wasn't there to plug the hole, Ded lept from the bread cabinent at the nearest indivdual. Without any consent, he immeadiatly began dancing on the person's head, in the cerimonial Implodment style of his youth. The unfortunate thing has, he intened this dance for Fruit Loops, and to his amazment, he found he had been danceing on Miss Lamia! He imeadiatly blushed in a billion shades of red, blue, and incandesent purple. "Oh my...uh...Sorry...that curse wasn't ment for you..." Ded sheepishly replied. Miss Lamia swung her blade from Chealce to Ded, and asked politely, but firmly, "What the Hell did you do to me, you baked goods son of a *Censored* flipping *Censored* no good, peice of trash eating *Censored* butternut squash!?!?" Ded pulled at his shirt collar, which had become uncomfertably itchy at this point. "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel...I intened it to be for Fruit Loops, but it turns out you've been given the Irriversable Wallop Curse..." " WHAT THE *Censored* IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!?!?" "...Which will cause inaminent objects to hit you at any given moment within any given hour, until the spork is returned to me." "Like Wha-" Miss Lamia started, but was knocked over by a rouge broom. The broom flew out of the closet all by itself, and smacked her right in the head, which unfortunatly, knocked her out cold. Fruit Loops looked over at her companion, then to Ded. "...So, it's irreversable, eh?" Ded stood up and brushed the dust off his coat. "Aye, it be. 'Till I get me spork back an'way. Now, Since you've caused the curse of your friend, I shall have to uh, put you in command. I will hold you responsible, and you too Chealce." Ded stated, turning towards Chealce, who was trying to excape. She flusterly dropped the crowbar she was using to pry open her window to jump the thirty stories. "You shall assist the two Chealce, or it will be your head." |
| "So.... I don't have to be cursed and I get to lead the party? Sweet!" Fruit Loops exclaimed, "Well, Ded, your probably very busy and have other such business to be getting to so.... I can take everything from here." Ded squinted his eyes at Fruit Loops suspiciously. "Hmm.... come to think of it, I'm not so sure I can trust you to stick with the group. Perhaps I have another curse up my sleeve." Ded looked around the room and spotted a guitar in the corner. He picked it up and raced around Fruit Loops three times. "There, that should keep you on task." Fruit Loops stared at him blankly. "What? You didn't do anything." Ded smiled maliciously. "Start walking." Fruit Loops took a few steps and a look of horror crossed her face. She grabbed her ears and screamed, "NO!!!! Holy mother of God, why? Why would you do this?!" Everyone else in the room jumped at the unexpected outburst. Miss Lamia looked at Ded who had a huge grin on his face. "What did you, ow *Censored*, do to her?" "When she walks, Willie Nelson starts singing 'On the Road Again' in her head" |
| Miss Lamia smiled as Fruit Loops tried to take another step and tears flowed down her face, which only meant the song kept going. She sighed and looked from Chealce to Ded, "Ok and our next move would be what?" Ded smiled mischieviously and said "The next move is yours my dear. I shall leave you to your work. Good bye Miss Lamia. I'd say it was fun but it....WATCH OUT FOR THAT BALL!!!" Miss Lamia ducked as soon as his voiced changed and barely missed the bowling ball that was hurtling towards her head. She stood up, sword in hand, and looked for Ded. Unfortuneately, knowing her tendency to get violent, Ded had disappeared back into his bread box. Unable to see him, Miss Lamia slammed her sword back into its sheath. She folded her arms and stared at Chealce who had started to creep towards the door. "Got any ideas to help us instead of excaping?" |
| Meahwhile, the Landfill Fairy had finally tracked Miss Batman to the 12th dimension, where apparently only Penguins and Miss Batman lived. She had been asking directions from every penguin she passed, they were so shocked by her non-penguiny appearance that none answered. Finally, she saw a black figure in the distance taller than all the others she had seen. Maybe it was Miss Batman! She raced ahead. |
| TAP(trained attack penguin) stared evilly at the Landfill Fairy. It had been a long time since he'd done this, so he wasn't sure he got the glare quite down. It was kinda hard to do without red eyes or visible teeth. But he could at least charge her so she got the point. He waddled quickly up from behind, managing to knock her over with his head. Then he sat on her. This was a clear victory. |
| The Landfill Fairy cringed as she waited for further assault from TAP....but nothing happened. It just continued to sit on her. As soon as the Landfill Fairy figured out she was in no more danger, she tried to wiggle out from under TAP. Just then, Miss Batman appeared over her head. "What are you doing here Landfill Fairy?" "You have our spork. I came to get it from you." "I don't see a fish. My demands were for the fish they called 'Herbert'. And does this look like the abandoned Pickle Factory? I don't see any Pickles. Do you?" "Well... technically if it was abandoned, there would be no more Pickles would there?" "Whatever. Where's my fish?" |
| "If this silly penguin would get off me, I could give it to you." She watched as Miss Batman tapped TAP on the shoulder and whisper something in his ear (well, what she assumed was his ear because she couldn't see anything ear-like). TAP wiggled off her and bent down to offer a hand up to her. She was so stunned that she couldn't move so TAP literally ended up helping her to her feet. She dusted herself off until she met the gaze of Miss Batman. "Where's my fish?" She had her arms folded across her chest. "Well truth be told. I don't have him. But I do know exactly where he is. I have an idea. You and I could team up and leave the rest of the people to fend for themselves. Two reasons: to get Herbert for you and the spork of doom for me. What do you say?" She stuck out her hand. Miss Batman looked at her then took her hand. "Deal" "Very good. I know exactly where the fish is." |
| "So... I'm not sure how to get back to my dimension..." The Landfill Fairly said. This wasn't true, she knew very well how to use her fairy magic to travel to just about any dimension she pleased. But she didn't want to use up too much of her strength, plus she was curious to see how Miss Batman traveled between dimensions. |
| Miss Batman wasted no time in performing her dimension alteration dance. She quickly pulled out a flipbook and shook it wildly in the air, doing the tango while doing so. Then, per her instructions, she slapped herself across the face, put on her "sandpaper pants" and re-fitted the pants with a "sacred diaper" made of pudding skins and duct tape. She then hummed the theme song to "Gilligan's Island" while stringing her bass guitar. After doing so, Miss Batman then dug a seven by seven by thriteen foot hole in the ground with the guitar, then burying it deep in the dirt. She drew a twenty sided star around the hole with a peeled banana, and singing along to "The E-bay song". After doing all this, she thrust her hidden spear into the center of the star, causing a break in the space-time continum. "...Dangit Miss Batman, that sure was an intricate way to swap dimensions..." The Landfill Fairy wolf whistled. Miss Batman tilted her head to one side. "Really? Huh, that wasn't the dimension transfer spell!" She reached into the portal and pulled out a turkey and cheese sub. "That was the instant luncheon spell! The dimension spell is right here!" She exclaimed, pulling out a small cardboard box. While chowing down on the sub, she threw the box at the ground, which instantly created a Dimension hole. "...What have I sided with...?" The Landfill Fairy whined. |
| Just as they were about to jump into the Dimension hole, a shout came from over the hill. "There she is!" Miss Lamia, Fruit Loops, and Chealce came running toward them followed at somewhat of a distance, by a very confused looking Phlange. Miss Batman and the Landfill fairy jumped into the hole before they could catch up and the hole disappeared behind them. "Shit!" Miss Lamia exclaimed, "What are we gonna do now?" She ducked as a penguin came flying toward her head. Fruit Loops sat on the ground, ready for a reprieve from Willie Nelson, which she discovered, got louder when she was running. "I don't know," Fruit Loops sighed, "It looks like our only option is the turn around and... Phlange? What are you doing here?" Everyone turned to look at Phlange, noticing her for the first time. "I... uh.... heard something about a fish. I assumed there was alcohol involved." |
| Miss Lamia took a few long moments to cuss out some frustration. Fruit Loops hung her head, not wanting to walk another step ever again. Phlange and Chealce were talking about the pros and cons of flavored vodka. At the huge loud sigh from Miss Lamia as she caught her breath, they looked at her. "Don't look at me. Chealce is supposed to be in charge here." "Do you have any ideas, Miss Lamia? Cause I'm drawing a blank." Chealce gave her a sweet smile. She stopped smiling as she saw Miss Lamia's hand curl into a fist. "I've got one, but I don't think you will like it." At their eager looks, she ran a hand through her hair before talking. "We need to go to a dragon deminsion. I know a guy there who can send us directly to wherever they go." "And your mentioning this now because.....?" Fruit Loops cocked her head in curiousity. "Cause he's my ex." |
| Phlange looked over at Miss Lamia in shock. "Kurt's your ex? Mine too!" She and Miss Lamia exchanged a knowing nod. "His drinking problem?" Miss Lamia asked. Phlange shook her head. "Nope. His fish fetish. It was a little creepy for my taste." "Ah. The fish fetish..." Miss Lamia stared off into oblivion for a couple seconds before coming back to reality. "Well, this should be fun. Dragon dimension, anyone?" |
| Miss Lamia pulled off the ring she kept on her middle finger and threw it on the ground causing a dimension hole to erupt from the ground. Miss Lamia and Chealce disappeared into the hole. Fruit Loops turned to Phlange, "hey.... why don't you.... uh.... keep watch out for.... stuff... that might... be bad for our... mission.... that would necessitate you staying here and uh.... watching for..... HEY IS THAT CHERRY FLAVORED VODKA IN THE PENGUINS HAND?" Phlange turned to look at the penguin while Fruit Loops disappeared into the dimension hole. Phlange turned back to see a big space filled with nothing. "Goddammit!" Phlange exclaimed. "oh well. Where did that penguin go with the vodka?" Phlange started pushing her way through the mass of penguins until she bumped into one that wouldn't move. She pushed against it until she realized it was metal. Thinking this might be a likely place to store vodka, she felt up and down the metal penguin until she found a button on the side. She pushed the button which instantly transported her back to her own dimension but very far away from home. She was in an enclosed room with a giant tank in the middle. She turned her head to see Herbert swimming near the glass staring at her. "Oh, shit, not you again. Are you at least swimming in alcohol?" |
| While Phlange was testing the water to see if it was booze, the rest were dropped right in the middle of a summit of dragons. Miss Lamia landed on her feet and was the first to recover. She mumbled under her breath when she recognized one of the dragons. "Oh shit." She bowed to the large black dragon in the spot of honor. "Greetings, Draconis Magus." She motioned for the rest to stand and bow, growling at them when they didn't respond. "Terribly sorry to drop in like this, but we are looking for Kurt the Hunter." All of the dragons started roaring. "Magus, why are the dragons holding a summit and we are looking like we're about to become snacks?" "Kurt the Hunter is now known as The Betrayer amongst our kind. He slayed the Golden Youngling!" He couldn't add more because of the roars of the others. When they had subsided, he added, "We are in summit to discuss our options for revenge." "How about a trade, Magus?" Miss Lamia took a step forward from the group. "We slay Kurt, and you help us trap this damn magickal fish that keeps causing us problems?" Draconis Magus shapeshifted into a human-like form and stepped before her. He stuck out his hand, which she took. "Agreed" "Now, where is the bastard?" |
| "Ahem," the small voice of the Landfill Fairy piped up. "I dunno a-" "When the hell did you get here!?" Miss Lamia exclaimed. The Landfill Fairy looked mildly annoyed but continued. "I've been here all along you overbearing half-wit." She hoped the others wouldn't notice Miss Batman hiding behind a rather large, rather conspicuous cardboard dragon cutout. "Anyways, if you guys wanna go chasing dragons, go ahead, but I'm tired of this game. I'm just gonna go get the fish now." With that, the Landfill Fairy opened up a sparkly garbage scented window into another dimension and stepped through. Chealce and Fruit Loops exchanged a glance, shrugged, and stepped through after her. Before Miss Lamia could decide what to do, Miss Batman darted through and it closed, leaving her with the dragons. Once in the interdimensional rift, otherwise known as limbo, the Landfill Fairy pulled out her interdimensional fish finder and set it to mystical goldfish. Immediately, a blip appeared on the radar. "And WHY didn't you use this soooner?" Fruit Loops screamed. "Would you admit to having one of these things if you did?" As Fruit Loops slowly shook her head, the Landfill Fairy nodded. "I didn't think so. Now, let's go." She opened up another sparkly garbage scented widow into a large blue circular room smelling distinctly of tequila. There was a huge fishtank in the middle which Phlange was inexplicably floating face down in. |
| Fruit Loops walked up to the tank. "Well, I guess that's the end of Phlange." Chealce and the landfill fairy crowded around the tank behind her. Miss Batman stood back going unnoticed. She glowered at the tank, trying to spot Herbert. Suddenly Miss Lamia popped in behind the three people starting at the dead Phlange. "Hey, you jerks, why did you leave me behind?" Miss Lamia reached into her pocket for a mint and when she pulled it out, the reverse spork fell out unto the ground. "Huh, I forgot I h..." but before she could finish, Fruit Loops turned around and grabbed it, mistaking it for the spork of doom. "The spork! Why do you have it?" "That's the reverse spork!" Miss Lamia snatched it back violently accidentally pushing one of the buttons on the side. It started vibrating and glowing. Just then, Miss Batman spotted Herbert swimming in the tank and lunged forward with the actual spork of doom set to kill mode and pointed it at Herbert. Everyone's eyes widened in shock as the two sporks crossed beams causing a strange mirror like ball to form in the middle. Suddenly they heard laughing coming from the tank. Everyone looked at Herbert who was cracking up. He stared into their wide-eyed faces. "Well, you guys are effed now!" The ball exploded instantly vaporizing all visible matter in the universe. No more planets, no more stars, no more galaxies, no more light, no more life. Just a single fish, swimming endlessly into the black abyss. The one... they call "Herbert". THE END |
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