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strange encounters with chatty stallions and nut house girls |
| [Introduction]
If you want to join this campfire, simply e-mail me. Yeah, so there I was just walking down the street, my humble town is the most fertile area of crazy cat ladies and talkitive farts. At the stores, there are no Coaco Puffs or rice crispy treats, just corn flakes that are unfrosted. I've only seen one kid around these parts. He told me that this was where the old come to die. Anyway, I was continueing down the street when I heard, "Hey, wanna buy some shoes?" I looked around confused since by 6 P.M., 98 percent of the decaying citizens were watching 'The Price Is Right'. Of course I don't like to watch those shows. Watching people win money is just to damn depressing if you ask me. So if no one was around, where was the voice coming from? I spotted a single horse in a small barn a few yards behind me. "Hey," He said again, "I asked if you wanted to buy some shoes!" I almost fell over in shock. Was I drunk? A young lady- to the town's standerds- ran over to the horse, "Horace, I told you to shut your trap in public." I didn't know whether to believe a horse was talking or that a 20-year-old woman was talking to a horse. Hell, I couldn't believe that either existed... |
| I was rooted to the spot where I stood. Watching the scene before me, dumbfounded and wondering what in the world was happening to me. I pinched myself...no it wasn't a dream. No drank at all...what was happening? The horse huffed at the young lady, "But I'm tired of acting like "Mr. Ed"! I'm proud of my gift and I'm sorry if your not! Now, if you'll excuse me I have some business to take care of." The woman was turning reder and reder as the horse spoke, and it looked like at an any moment her head would burst... |
| Ofcourse I would be pretty ticked off if my talking horse wouldn't shut up, but I never heard that horses could talk. "Excuse me," I said. The lady face flashed from red to whited faster than greased lightning. "Please don't tell anyone about Horace," She pleaded, "I love him too much to let them take him." Horace asked, "Are you feeding me hay tonight again?" "Yes, Horace," The lady replied. She them turned her focus to me, "He gets a little forgetfull sometimes, but don't we all." Then she laughed in a deeply hysterical way. I slowly backed away as she laughed to herself. I had to be as crazy as the lady was untill it started raining. I hate rain, no doubt about it, so I couldn't be imagining things, because I never think about rain. I hurried home and changed into some dry clothes. Later as I relaxed in my study, I couldn't stop thinking about that horse, but the insane, beautiful lady whos name I never got. |
| I decided I'd have to go back. Had I just imagined it? When the rain stopped I headed back. I approached the horse's stall quitely. "Do you want to buy some... Oh...It's you again." Horace said. I stood and stared at him a moment, what the hell do you say to a horse? I wondered. Then the idea hit me. "So...Horace..." I began, "the lady that was here before, what's her name?" "HA!" Horace snorted, "Why should I tell you her name? What's it to ya?" "Come on Horace!" I groaned, not believing I was standing here talking to a horse. I know! "Hey! How about you give me her name and i'll give you a big juicy apple?" I replied. "An apple!? You think I should give you what you want for a lousy apple? You gotta make it worth my while!" |
| "Uhhh..." my head was reeling a hundred miles an hour...what does a horse like? Then it hit me, "Horace, she said that she only gonna feed you hay tonight, correct?" I asked the horse. Horace cocked his head to one side, "Yea, what about it?" "Well how 'bout if I gave you a whole basket of fresh carrots? And you know I'm not asking much...just one name, one name for a whole basket of apples...whaddaya say?" The horse began looking me up and down. I could hardly believe that I had a horse sizing me up before he began to speak again, "Hmmm, you look like your a man who would keep his word...Alright, one basket of fresh carrots for her name. Now you bring me the carrots, then I'll tell you the name... |
| "Her name is Anna. Now don't be tricking me because I won't take any of that," Horace finished. So Anna was her name, I thought to myself. Now all I had to do was return tonight with the carrots and I would then talk to her, and maybe ask her to dinner. I returned later that night after going to the feed store and picking up some carrots. There she stood. She was just as beautiful as she had been earlier that day. She had long brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. her long lean legs were hidden in a pair of jeans that flattered her nicely and she was topped off with a red t-shirt. I could have just melted right then and there. I tired to walk over but my heart was pounding and my legs wouldn't move. I had no idea what to do next. |
| So I hid in the shadows and watched the two of them together. They spoke in hushed tones, but I was able to make out what they were saying. "Horace, you've got to stop trusting people or they will find out our secret. And not just the talking horse part either." "But Anna, I love you and I want us to be together forever." "But your now a horse and I'm a person. What would people say?" "I don't care anymore. I love you and I want the world to know." "Horace, I am not in love with you. I loved you the way you were before, but this becoming a horse is way over the top. Next time you'll have to do better. That is, if there is a next time. If you don't keep your mouth shut, we will both be busted." "Anna, I suppose you are right. Now hop on me so we can go and meet the others. We're late." With that Anna hopped on Horace's back and they went off into the bright moonlit night. |
| Whoa! Where did that come from? I felt mildly dizzy, but I knew that something strange was bound to happen, so I followed them, tumbling from bush to bush. It made me feel like James Bond a little. The stopped at the lake resting above the town. The closest bush to them was still to far away for me to clearly hear what they were saying. I leaned foward slightly, not knowing the my shirt collar was lifting and letting a tiny spider down my back. A sharp sting pierced my skin and I tumbled onto the dirt in the plain sight of Anna and Horace... |
| Anna and Horace jumped back. I jumped to my feet and brushed myself off. How the hell was I gonna get outta this one? "Hi! Fancy meeting you here..." I said to Anna. She raised her eyebrows and glanced at Horace. "You weren't spying on us were you?" she asked. "Me? Uh...no, I was just..uh...taking a walk and tripped over a rock." Inwardly I groaned, that sounded so lame! "Oh...well we have somewhere we need to be, so guess we'll see you later." she replied. I am so stupid! I thought. My excuse was so lame anyone could see right through it. But my mistake didn't keep me from wanting to find out what they were up to. |
| So, I turned around and acted like I was walking away. But when I was sure that I was out of her sight, I continued to follow. I couldn't believe I was doing this, but I was so dang curious! I know that curiosity killed the cat, but I couldn't help it! I slipped quietly from tree to tree, trying to be as quiet as I could, when...SNAP! I couldn't believe it...I actully fell for the 'twig snapping under your boot thing! I held my breath and quickly darted behind a tree hoping against all odds they didn't hear me... |
| "He's still following us Anna," Horace said. " I gathered that keep going maybe he'll leave. But why is he following us?" Anna asked while keeping Horace trotting on the path. "I think, he likes you," Horace said seriously. Anna laughed. " Your're funny. Nobody would like a girl with a crazy talking horse. Nobody would like me," Anna said stopping Horace. "That's why he bribed me for your name earlier today, but stay away from him. There's somethign wrong with him. Something too stalkerish for my taste. He's trouble." Horace started to move again but Anna pulled back on the reigns. "Hey stop a second. What do you mean he came looking to get my name earlier today?" Anna asked puzzled. No one had shown interest in her since Horace was turned into a horse. I watched from the bushes. i couldn't tell what they were talking about but I knew it couldn't be good. I knew I was a dead man walking. |
| Anna yelled out at me in the bushes "Come out you orange leisure suit wearing stalker." My attire had given me away yet again. As I came out of the bushes, Anna spoke to me in a directed tone. "You are in danger if you continue to follow me. Go home and pretend like you never knew the two of us." I knew this was my one chance. "Babe, I love you. I know that you and I could hit it off. We could make magic and I could show you a ride on my magic carpet, if you know what I mean." I was using all of my best pick-up lines, but she remained unimpressed. "Go home, NOW!" So I took my torn leisure suit and my scuffed platform shoes and walked home. I had struck out once again with the ladies. But I knew I was a stud and would be back in the game in no time. When I got home, I opened my apartment door and was dumbfounded. The faux leather couch was glowing green. The 8 track tape player was glowing green. In fact the entire apartment was glowing green, and not the good shade of green either. I knew it was time to leave this town for good. There were ladies in other places waiting for a stud like me. So I grabbed my plaid suitcase and stuffed the only things that mattered to me in it, my three best leisure suits and my last bottle of Brill Cream. I went out to my Purple 1976 Chyrsler Cordoba with genuine Corinthian Leather that was parked outside my door. I opened the trunk. I could not believe my eyes. |
| "Jed, what the hell are you doing to my car?" I asked amazed. Jed is the town's youngest senior at 66 and realized that he waisted his life away inside of an office building. Now he's been trying to live life the the most steep extremes, but ends up wrecking my stuff in the process. "He there sonny boy, what do you think of my new joy-ride contraption?" he asked in the same delutional voice he usualy does. "That's my car!" I explained, "I need it to get out of this town for good!" "Why would you leave? Did that little lady break your heart?" he asked again, cocking his head to the side like a dog. "No, I... Wait, how do you know Anna?" I asked. "She came here about five minutes before you did. I was trying to start this thing. I tried everything from kicking it to jamming this key hole with glue that magically dried instantly. Then I tried chisling it out so that I could put more inside, but the paperclip I used was swallowed up by it." "What kind of glue did you use?" I asked. "The glue that that girl brought to your appartment," He replied. I was shocked. She covered all my stuff with that green crap and hoped that I would leave, if it didn't kill me. I had to ask Anna a few questions. |
| "Say...Jed, you lived here all your life, right?" I asked. "Yep! Since the day I was born! Why?" he asked suspiciously. "Wellll, I was just wondering what Anna's story is..." I hinted "Oh yes, our little Miss Anna. Well a couple years back she was engaged to a young man by the name of Horace Fillanbaitem. He owned the gas station and bait shop ya know. About a month before they was supposed to marry, he up and dissappears. It was the strangest thing. A few days later Anna shows up with this horse she found and was so heartbroken over her lover that she named the horse Horace. Ain't see hide nor hair of that boy since." Hmmm I thought. I wonder.... |
| My thoughts were interrupted by the honking of a horn. A big, old Chevy Pick-Up truck with a gun rack had pulled up. Behind the wheel was an old, withered man with a shotgun in his hand. He ignored me and started talking to Jed. "Jed, there's going to be a horse shooting tonight. There's a reason we have never allowed horses in this town. This one has gotten too uppity for his own good. It's time we start taking justice into our own hands." Jed hopped into the truck and they were off. I needed a way to follow them, Horace could be in danger. |
| I sprinted down the lane as fast as I could, even though the geesers would take too long to drive there. Anna was just leaving the barn when I grapped her and tossed her around. "Horace is in trouble," I ghasped through breaths, "The old farts are coming to shoot him." "Anna looked bewildered, "What are you still doing here?" she asked amazed, "Didn't the green crap drive you away?" "Your slop would have if Jed hadn't of used it as glue in my car," I snapped, "But thats not the point, Horace will be shot sooner or later if they ever get here..." Anna squinted at me before openning up. "Okay," she agreed. I grabbed her arm, "Wait, you must tell me what happened to horace when you were engaged." Anna's eyes shot open wider than a full moon. "How the hell do you know about that?" "Jed told me, now I want some answeres," I replied. Anna sighed then said, "It all started when I was sixteen..." |
| "..., I was a junior and Horace would be graduating, we met and started dating, once he graduated, he took over running his folks' bait shop/gas station and I finished my last year of high school." she sighed, then continued, " When I graduated, Horace asked me to marry him, the date was set and all the plans were underway then...." she stopped, lost in the memories. "Then??" I prompted. "Then Horace and I went out one night to hunt bait down by the river, picking up crawdads, salamanders, things like that, I was in one area and Horace was just south of me, I heard him call my name, he was really excited, he wanted me to come and see what he'd found, something really different. He kept yelling that we were going to be rich!" I waited for her to tell me what they'd found, but she didn't say anything else. Finally I couldn't stand it no more..."WHAT!" I yelled, "What did you find??". |
| Anna heaved a great sigh, "It-It was a giant-" she paused and shook her head. I was fit to burst by now, "A giant...?" I said, trying to keep my cool, which was going very fast. She appeared in deep thought as she continued her story... "It was like a rock..." she began, "and it looked like-like gold almost, but, it wasen't gold. Anyway, I ran over, and saw this thing sitting there, with Horace jumpin' around like a mad dog. 'Horace what is this thing??!' I asked, 'I think it's gold! Oh baby, we're rich!' and then he asked me to help him move it, but when he reached out to it and touched it, he...he changed into this..." At this point she she began to get teary eyed and I was pondering on what I should do... |
| I looked into her eyes. There was nothing but sadness in them. I felt for her. My heart tore from me to comfort hers inside her heaving chest. As soon as my heart left me I remembered exactly why I was here. I wanted to get close to her but I needed to save her friend, or horse, whatever he was first. " Come on we need to hide him," I said pulling her along. "They have guns. I saw them." We ran downt he trails for a few minutes. Anna was pulling Hoarce with her. She was breathing heavy. I looked back at her. "Get on Hoarce and ride till you are far from here. I'll take care of the guys." " But If they know you helped us they'll come after you next."Anna Said heasitant to getting on the horse. "I'll be fine. I'll meet you again soon." I said liftinf her up. " But wait, First a name to go with your face," Anna asked. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to get attached for she loved hoarce more than anything else. I could see it in her eyes. |
| So I gave her a fake name. "My name is Eastwood, Clint Eastwood." She seemed satified with that answer. I could hear hoofprints as they rode off into the night together. Sad as it seemed, the two of them were right for each other. I needed to do everything in my power to keep Horace safe. Now that I had warned them, I needed to find a place to hide. There was a loft in the barn, so I scrambled up the ladder and hid in the hay. Soon they started to arrive, dozens of old men in purple choir robes with purple hoods covering their face. As I looked down, the old men milled around the barn, not speaking. The eerie silence was suddenly broken by the toot of a horn. The barn doors were opened and an old pickup truck drove into the barn. After the truck had parked, an old man in a purple robe with a gold hood hopped out. It was clear he was the leader. With conviction in his voice, he began to speak to the old men assembled. |
| “You missed another piece,” the leader addressed the others, purple robes concealing unusual forms inside. “Someone missed the golden rock that turned Horace into a horse like the others. My itchy, orange leisure suit became itchier than ever with hay down my back, rubbing against the swelling spider bite, but I was oblivious. These beings knew what had happened to Horace! Maybe they could change him back. My imagination soared. Anna would be so grateful that she would choose me over her horse has-been boyfriend… Then again, if they could return the horse people to people, why were there others like Horace? I started listening again. The leader was still speaking. “We must gather all the pieces of our wrecked space ship together before we can leave and it is taking a great deal of energy to keep concealing the newly built one as an old car. Besides, I think we are all tired of going around looking like old men.” “Here, here,” they answered in raspy, alien, old-men voices. Then one spoke over the others, “The only piece of our ship still missing is the undo stone, the one that will undo any changes we have caused. But does anyone know where it is?” Everyone shook their heads, no. That’s it, I thought. All I have to do is find the fixit stone first and… My imagination soared again with thoughts of being the hero, winning over my precious Anna, together happily ever after… But in my haste to leave, my foot, which was covered with green glue, dislodged a hay bale that slid off the edge of the hayloft and threatened to take me with it just as barn swallows began swooping in all directions. |
| Knowing that the wrinkly old aliens would sooner catch up with me, i jumped out the window and fell. I landed in a river (that I had no idea existed!!) and sprinted across the other side. The aliens headed out of the barn in a flurry of rage. I ran through a thicket of trees and began to climb a tree. At the top, I gasped for air. The night was cold and as I sat on the branch. Then I realized that they had found a gold piece down by the river. What if the rest floated that way also? I couldn't head down, those creepy geezers were still down there, so I had one option left. I jumped from the tree branch and prayed that I would grab the one on the other tree... |
| I grabbed the branch I'd been aiming for, "Perfect" I thought as my hands encircled the limb, then 'Snap!' the branch broke and I felt myself tumbling downwards. I had to think fast, as I fell I caught another branch, this time it held. I knew it wouldn't take long for the old geezers to come running with all the noise i'd made so I managed to swing over to another tree and climbed far up it to hide in the leaves. I watched as the old men gathered around the fallen branch, straining to hear thier conversation, but I was too far away... |
| "Dangit!" I thought, but then, I saw it, it was another branch and it looked sturdy enough to hold me, and it was in my grasp! I thought for a minute, before making the decision to take my chances and reach for it... |
| I jumped and missed. Here I felt like I was tumbling to the ground in slow motion. The old men looked my way as I hit the ground. They found me. Before I could get up from the ground they were running towards me and that's when I saw it. The stone I needed to win Anna. |
| I grabbed the stone and started to run. For some reason I was not running as fast as I normally do, but was still outpacing the old men. Looking down at my own body I realized, I had been turned into my hero, Bob Barker. The only part of me that was still intact was my orange leisure suit. Although being Bob Barker was quite an honor, I knew that I could not live like this. As I stumbled along, I started to wonder what the retail value of the shrubs and trees would be. Not only was my body that of Bob Barker's, he was starting to control my mind as well. All of a sudden it clicked. I knew that the old man talking to the group was familiar. It was Matlock. When somebody touched the stone, they were turned into television characters from the 60's and 70's. That must be the alien's secret plan, control us through bad television. The conspiracy was much bigger than I had ever thought. I needed to find Anna and tell her everything I had learned. But where would she hide? |
| Just then I heard a horse whinny. Of course, the talking horse. Where better for Horace to blend in then with the other horses that has been banished from town? I trotted off towards the whinny at my best old man speed, but could Bob Barker in an orange leisure suit carrying a gold stone outpace Matlock? I’d have to, to get to Anna. I wonder how much a gold stone would fetch on e-bay? Oh no – still thinking prices. Focus, focus. If I was Bob Barker, then I wasn’t carrying the stone I needed to win Anna. This wasn’t the fixit stone after all, the one the old men aliens said was sill missing from their ship. This was another changing stone, part of the alien conspiracy. I thought they’d said they’d found them all back in the barn. Maybe they knew I was listening and were trying to trick me. The horses sounded louder now, but on the opposite side of the river, I could hear Jed parked in his pickup say to someone, “Gonna be a horse shooting, tonight. Yep. Didja hear that whinny? Gotta git across this here river.” Guess they didn’t like talking horses and the alien men behind me didn’t seem to like anyone. I just had to get to Anna. But then I tripped on something buried in the sandy riverbank and the gold stone flew out of my hands. With a little searching I found it, and another, the one that tripped me. Grabbing both, I started running to Anna, feeling much better, feeling like myself. I was myself. I’d found the fixit stone! But which one was it? Finding Anna among the horses was easy once I’d outpaced the aliens slowed by their purple robes and the pickup on the wrong side of the river. “Oh Clint,” she said and reached for me. “Oh #$%*,” I said as she became a little girl with golden curls. Cindy Brady, I moaned. Which stone did she touch when she reached for me? |
| I tried the other stone and she returned to normal. Thank God for my quick thinking. "I know how to fix Horace!" I exclaimed. I ran over to the first horse I saw and touched him with the fixit stone. A blinding ray of light bust out in every nameable direction and The horse slowly began to morph. Eventualy it changed into a donkey. "Uh, Anna, I thought Horace was a human at heart..." Anna placed her arm on me, "Thats not Horace," she said. "Well then," I said. "Wait!" She took the fixit stone and brought it up to my leisure suit. The orange turned into the black and white of a tux. "Oh, good, I can't have you running around looking like that guy from 'Currious George'," she sighed. (In relief of course) I looked deep into Anna's eyes and felt my lips slowly begin to pucker. "I didn't know you had green eyes!" I exclaimed. "Hold still, you still have the mind of Barker." She touched my head with the stone and I felt a relief. "Thanks, I couldn't stop wondering how much your shirt cost," I said. I knew that this was my one time chance, and with Horace no where in sight, I took it. She must have been expecting it because she didn't pull away from the carasing loom of passion. |
| But suddenly, in the middle of our passionate kiss, there was an angry neighing coming from the left of us. We broke away from each other and Anna gave a gasp of shock. "Horace! Horace I can explain..." she began "There is nothing to explain!" he shouted angrily. He stomped his hoof on the ground, and lowered his head, as he prepared for a charge. Then, suddenly took off and ran headlong towards me. I needed to make a split second decision to save my life... |
| I Didn't Know what to do. I thurst forward at him as he did I. We were going full forse. I held the stone that would change him in my hand. It was only a matter of time. He started to charge faster and faster. I knew it was going to hurt once we hit but I needed to do it. My heart started to race. In less than five seconds we were going to hit. I kept running forward. My heart pounding with great thumps reaching my throat. Four. I looked back at Anna whose eyes were filled with tears. Three. I gripped the stone tighter in my hand. Two. I looked at horace racing towards me. One. We hit. |
| He ran full force into me, knocking me to the ground. In an instant we became a rolling tangle of arms and legs, which was incredibly awkward as Horace was human again – and completely naked. Anna didn’t seem to mind and ran straight to him, already forgetting about me. “Get a room,” I thought and began trying to turn other horses back into themselves. Soon I was mobbed by a throng of naked people screaming things like, “Who are you? Where am I? WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?” The shouting was sure to attract attention. The alien old men in their purple robes couldn’t be far behind. They’d want their rocks back. And what about the men across the river with guns? They had been eager for a horse shooting. How would they feel about a pack of naked people one donkey and a couple of confused dogs running around? A shot rang out from across the river. “Not happy,” I thought and ran like everyone else. |
| My new tux was torn and everything was blurry. A few flesh colored blobs ran by and all I could thing about was Anna. I looked around, she would be one of the only clothed creatures here. I continued to run with both stones in my hand. My legs were getting tired. Escaping death is way harder than you would think. I collided with someone and by the clothe texture, I knew it was either Anna or and alien. I looked up and gasped with relief. "Anna-" I almost said before her fist smacked me across the jaw. "Get off," she demanded and I stood. "Oh, sorry!" she exclaimed as soon as she saw who I was. "I thought you were... never mind." "We have to go now!" I said. "Strait into the forest!" Anna looked at my sadly. "What about Horace?" I wanted to scream and shout, but the weak little kid inside of me took over. "Do we have to?" Anna looked mournfully at the ground. I put on arm around her and she was about to look up when we were knocked over by two streaking fat guys. Before we could respond another shot rang out and a grumpy old hag's voice said, "Well, well, well. Why are you wearin' my Grand-pappy's clothes?" |
| I looked at her in total confusion. "Your Grand-pappy's clothes?" I asked. "Yep! That's my Grand-pappy's tux and I want to know why you got it on and where'd ya get it?" "Uh..." I didn't know what to say. I looked at Anna and gave her the signal to run. She took off and I was right behind her. We could hear the old hag stomping and a cussin'. Anna stopped suddenly. "We have to go back and get Horace!" |
| "Oh . . ." I complained, I didn't want to get the guy, but I had no choice, I like Anna, and I didn't want to lose her now, "Alright. Let's go get him." Anna threw her arms around my neck, "Oh! Thank you!" she cried, planting a large kiss on my cheek. My stomach turned a little, but in a good way, as she grabbed my hand and led me to where Horace was . . . |
| there he was on the ground not moving and barely breathing. I could see anna's face. "No, he can't be...no," she said then becoming a sobbing mess. I reached over to the limp body. Her sobs grew louder and louder. I wanted to help her. I didn't know what to do. |
| The aliens were coming and there was only one thing to do. There would be time to help Horace later. As they approached, I began to speak. "Hello alien things," I said. The leader of the group stood up to me and smirked. "Where's the stone?" I smiled too. The devious thoughts running through my head were too much to handle and I soon began to chuckle. "I have it right here," I anounced as I brought out the fix-it stone. "Good, now hand it here!" the leader comanded. "No," I said, pulling my plan into order. "First we have to play a little game that is popular here on earth." "I'm waiting," the leader said impatiently. "It's a game called eyes-Closed Hot Potatoe. All of you V.S. me." "Okay... Winner gets the stones then." I smiled even wider then the leader did. Before long we were all in a circle with our eyes closed. From my other pocket I removed the mess-things-up stone and quickly tossed it to one of the aliens across from me. They all changed, one after the other into discombobulated horses. |
| For a few minutes there was mass confusion as the aliens realized what I had done. "Let's go see if this stone will help Horace." I said as I grabbed Anna's hand. We ran to where Horace was and knelt on each side of him. |
| "Alright Anna, you keep him calm and still, while I try to fix him." Anna nodded, and gently placed her arms around Horace. I held my breath as I placed the fix-it stone on Horace's body . . . then lo and behold . . . |
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