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 |  Little scraps of my life... my blog. |
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| So I'm about to turn 30. I started a list on my phone a little while ago of all the things I have done. Exciting, adventurous things - listing them makes me feel better! They're listed like bucket list things because that's in essence what they are. Hopefully I'll keep adding! - See the Grand Canyon - Go skydiving - Ride in a helicopter - Bathe in a river - See New York - See Paris - See a movie at a drive-in cinema - Snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef - Study photography - Hike a glacier - Go on a roadtrip across America - Volunteer for a homeless shelter - Dance with a stranger - Go to a rodeo - Travel in a submarine - Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge - Walk on a beach at night - Go camping - Get a university degree - Camp at a music festival - Get a ride on a motorbike - Go caving - See the ballet - Ride a rollercoaster The next thing to add to the list will be "go on a cruise" come December and January!  |
| About two weeks ago, I asked A where he saw things going. This whole thing has been complicated from the start and the question was a long time coming. He's always so closed off, he rarely opens up to me and I'm not really included in his life outside of us. It's always bothered me but when you like someone so much, you overlook some of these things and put them aside. But eventually, they rear their ugly heads again... and the question presented itself. He didn't give me much. He said he wasn't sure, he didn't know, he needed to think etc etc. I was pretty upset after that because that's a fairly reasonable indication that things aren't going anywhere more official. But he thanked me for being patient with him and we had a really good night. Just dinner and lots of hugs and kisses and wow, does that guy know how to kiss me.  As he left, he walked all the way out to his car parked on the street and I watched him, standing in my doorway. Then he turned around and quickly walked back, came right up to me, grabbed my face and kissed me again firmly and just... amazing. I think I almost fell over as my knees buckled slightly. But anyway, that was two weeks ago. So he thought. I let him think. I left him alone and let him come to me, which he did. He kept texting me as per normal, with "babe" and lots of "xx" and "xoxo". I wasn't really sure what to think. I cried for two nights after he left. But then, he didn't exactly cut me off. I had mentioned that if we going to give this a shot, I wanted to see him at least once a week which isn't much. He agreed. A week went past, and once again it was left in my court to ask "so, have you finished thinking?" He said he had thought about it, and he had wanted to take me out the day before or that day, but had got sick recently and was taking time off work to recover. So, that's fair I suppose. So another week went by. Then last night we finally caught up. He took me out to see Hercules and had dinner after. All very nice, he paid, we snuggled in the movie, held my hand over the dinner table, did all the wonderful and lovely things he usually does. We get back out to my car to say goodbye and he has still said nothing. So of course, I ask. He looks like he is going to die. I ask whether he really thought I was going to let him get in his car and drive away without asking. Of course he doesn't, but he was hoping to procrastinate longer and not have to talk about. To pretend like it doesn't exist. But it does, and he finally tells me he thinks maybe we should try being friends. He says this through gritted teeth and a frown on his face, gulping like he's about to cry. But I know. I knew this was coming. And it's okay... sort of. All the things we discussed - I've thought about them too. There's a lot standing in our way. He is concerned my family won't accept him - me being Christian and him growing up Muslim. This isn't true, my family are more accepting, but the topic itself is of concern. I know that I am meant to be with someone who shares my faith and who I can grow with spiritually. It also means we disagree on various life things and lifestyle things, like sex outside marriage. He admitted he could probably cope with that though, it would be hard but we can do other stuff. He also thought that we're potentially not sexually compatible because of this religious reason, and because he's very sexual. Which is true, and I am too actually, but he just hasn't seen that side of me because I have to hold back. But these are important things, and things that are keeping us apart. That said, we then spent the next six hours in that carpark. We stood and hugged and kissed next to our cars for a few hours. Then we moved a few steps across and did the same thing there. It was like we just couldn't let each other go. I just couldn't bear to let him drive off, knowing that I may never kiss him again or hold him again. He had to work in the morning and he didn't care, he didn't move. We made out heavily, hands roaming excessively... Eventually, we got too cold and I got into my car. I looked at him standing outside and didn't want him to go, so he got inside my car to warm up a bit before he left. We stayed there for another two hours. Just holding each other, talking quietly about things. He opened up and we shared a lot. He told me about his exes, I told him about mine. He told me he was slow in the beginning to kiss me and progress things because he didn't want to get too close, these obstacles of ours on his mind. He told me he wanted to kiss me the day he met me and that seeing each other once a week would definitely not be enough. I told him I went on a date with another guy earlier in the week (a guy I met at a 20s charity ball who asked for my number and I was angry at A for allowing me to be single and free to date. So I went, almost in spite of him) and he looked hurt but he understood. We held each other in comfortable silence for long, sad periods of time. I just don't want to let him go. When he holds me, I feel like every inch of me to the core of my heart is warmed by his very presence. I can feel his arms around me, firm and protective as he kisses my forehead and strokes my back. I feel like I am cocooned in his arms and I never want to leave. Six hours wasn't enough time. I feel like I'm going to forget the comfort of the feeling and I want it to stay.   We decided in the end to "postpone" the friendship just for another week, which was my idea. He promised to see me next week and we can watch a few episodes of the IT Crowd together, which I figure it a friend-like thing to do. I just want him to stay in my life and be around... often. Sure, he has his faults but he's kind-hearted and generous and loving and caring and funny and... I want him around. I'm sure one day I'll be comfortable with us being friends but right now, I burst into tears at the smallest things. Just a nice memory of him and I'm gone. I'll carry on though - what else can I do? |
| Well, happily, we seem to be staying in this nice phase of no problems. Sure, there are problems but we're just avoiding dealing with it right now. haha, it's June and we're still ignoring it. I went to my first AFL footy game with him a couple of days ago. So I can tick that off my bucket list! It was nice. I just like snuggling with him and being close. The footy game was fun but the nice, intimate moments afterwards was nicer. But during the game, he really proved he has immense patience. Let's face it, I wasn't really paying that much attention to the game. I knew what was going on but honestly, I was having more fun holding and playing with his hands, and making observations about things other than the game. And to his credit, he was very patient. He was all like, shut up I'm watching the game. He'd just laugh at whatever I said, make a comment and then sometimes give me a little kiss on the cheek with a smile. He's cute.  After the game, I was hungry because it was my dinnertime (6pm) but he doesn't usually have dinner until 9pm (weird, I know) so we went to find me dinner and him a pre-dinner snack. We shared a plate of cashew chicken noodles at a Chinese place, and then slowly walked back to the train station - a stop along the way down a bit of an alley to do some *ahem* hugging.  At the train station, we had our arms wrapped around each other and he could see a nearby high-rise apartment with a couple inside cooking. I couldn't see because I was facing the other direction so he started this funny commentary of what they were doing... he's not usually the laugh hysterically out loud kind of guy, but I certainly got some serious giggles! Anyway, it's just so nice to walk hand in hand with someone. Sighs! I feel like I can walk anywhere with him and just because he's got my hand, I feel all safe and protected. He's a very gentle guy but he's definitely got a passionate side too. The train ride went so quickly just because I had someone to snuggle. There's a perfect little spot just sort of under his neck a bit where I can nuzzle in and stay there and he'll rest his head on mine... and it's just LOVELY. So we did that on the train, and then walked back to my house where he'd parked his car and it was so so ssso cold! But then, we got outside my house, stood near his car and just hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed for over an hour. What cold?! You warm up quickly when you're in someone's arms. It's strange sometimes how well we fit together. He loves skin to skin contact so he's always trying to find some skin to touch, which I also like (once his hands warm up! He has such cold hands) We had a really lovely moment where I hugged him from behind for so long, he seemed to be really enjoying it. He went really quiet and we just stood there in silence, me with my arms wrapped around him, my hands pressed against his heart and chest. He was just standing there staring into the night sky at the moon. So we eventually said goodnight, and just before he left he pulled me back sort of roughly into a big smooch - left me staggering a little bit! He knew it too because he had this little grin on his face. SIGH. |
| So my last entry I've kept private but for those who are wondering, it outlined my first kiss with A. Yes, finally! We've moved forward a bit since then and have been on two dates where we've behaved like a couple. It's been really nice and feelings are starting to get intense... last night we saw the ballet, which was awesome. We got to dress up a bit nicer and it was a proper date. Like the movie date beforehand, he held my hand the whole time gently caressing and kissing it occasionally. Afterwards, we got a really late pizza and drinks and then went home. I'd left my car at his house, and I went inside but made it pretty clear from the get-go that nothing was going to happen. And nothing did! He was super nice about it, all the things you'd want from a guy in that situation - he didn't try to initiate anything and kept his hands pretty PG rated. I didn't want to bring it up in all honesty but after we ended up lying on his bed staring at each other face to face, I felt like I should probably say something. I'm a Christian and I do honestly try to stick to these "rules" so I said that and I know he's disappointed but he respected it anyhow. So we just lay there for ages and I closed my eyes and he gently ran his fingers across my face - down my forehead, across my eyelids, down my nose to my lips and then around my cheeks. Again and again... it was seriously the nicest feeling in the world. He just watched me the whole time and it was completely comfortable. It was so nice just lying there together, touching each other non-sexually and just being there with him. I can't even describe how nice it felt. I mean, he did end up on top of me but I didn't feel threatened. In fact, it was nice feeling his weight on me. And yes, he did unbutton his shirt (the guy's got like a MANE of hair going on) but that was okay too. I took the opportunity to get cosy against him, because honestly, what's nicer than resting against a guy's bare chest especially when he's fairly well built. But then he let me button it back up again. It's just all awesome right now, I'm on a happy little planet. Of course it's not all sunshine and roses, I'm aware of that. We've still got a lot going against us but it doesn't really matter right now. I wish we could stay in this beautiful phase where we've got no problems. Who knows where it will lead, but I do hope we have more moments like these. |
| I am so absolutely stressed out right now. I'm just... I can't even put into words... There's so much going on. I've got school work for photography classes coming at me from everywhere, and they're complicated too. Big assignments that need a lot of thought and care that I just feel completely overwhelmed. I have a wedding coming up in less than a month that I am photographer for - and the bride who was previously all relaxed and carefree about it has turned into Bridezilla. I'm only charging them a minimal amount because I'm still studying and they're friends of mine. I got them to sign a contract which states clearly I'm a student with limited experience and all I can do is endeavour to provide the best photos I can. After she signed this, she then sent me a document with a giant list of exact photos she wants (for example: "bride looking at dress while it is hanging up" and "bride putting on an earring") These are all well and good, but this list is LONG. I said in the contract I'd provide them with 200 photos, so I think she's seen that and then literally tried to list 200 specific shots. Who does that?! It's ridiculous. I mean, I have no problem taking these shots in all honesty. I can do that. It's more that now I have this list to complete to perfection. I can't guarantee every single shot will be awesome. Then she added some shots they like from other photographers, and included shots that are clearly completely out of their price range! Like really complicated, technical shots. It's just on the brink of complete nightmare. I just hope it all works out. And then this thing with A is stressing me a bit too but I HAVE to put it aside. It's not even close to a priority right now with everything else going on. Besides, he's overseas for a week and half. But since my last entry, things have moved into weird territory. I don't even know how happened but lately he calls me babe and we put kisses on the end of messages... and just generally talk in a way and about things that people in a friendship would not. We really need to figure it out. I'm still aware of the whole Muslim/Christian thing and I KNOW deep down, it's unlikely to work out. A part of me just likes the idea of having that someone to be close to like this, but it's a dangerous thing to play with. I still don't really know where he's at. We know we are both attracted to each other both physically and mentally, but there's a barrier there. I don't think he's really fully aware of my barriers, but for him, there's something keeping him back but he just won't tell me what it is in an honest way. I told him I thought he was just playing me and he seemed really unhappy about that. I guess it will all play out when he gets back and we'll see what happens. I'm trying SUPER hard to be careful but it's particularly hard when I can feel myself getting further and further into this emotionally. My stomach does a little flip every time he calls me babe and puts an x at the end, or sometimes just thinking about him does it. Oh SIGHS. |
| Things have changed significantly since my last entry... yet they haven't changed at all. About a week ago, it was that annoying holiday known as Valentine's Day. I expected something from A, while at the same time knowing that since we're not together, I should not be expecting anything. He made a point of sending me a happy Valentine's Day message early in the morning and then we chatted throughout the day as usual but it was Friday night AND Valentine's Day and he wasn't asking me out. So I asked him what his plans were and he was going to see a band with some friends. I think my response gave away my disappointment so he added he'd already booked the tickets months ago. So okay, that's fine. Saturday comes and I wait again for him to ask me out... silence all day. I cave and ask him how his day was... and he'd gone out again with friends to a (traditionally) rather romantic classical outdoor concert in the city. Okay. So that was the trigger. I caved. I am blunt and ask him outright if this thing between us is going anywhere saying that I'm feeling pretty confused. I mean, he's all over me last time we saw each other, we keep flirting via text message constantly but yet he hardly ever makes an effort to see me in person. It doesn't make sense. So I hit send and wait. I'm telling you now, it's tense! Thankfully, he doesn't take too long and my phone bleeps with a message and I stare at it for awhile... half of me wanting to read it immediately, the other half not even wanting to know. But I open it, scan it and realise it's not good news. He apologises and admits that he is also confused. He explains that he is currently having a really rough time at work (which I knew) and some other things (which I later find out is family problems) and that's his reason for not progressing things between us. He says he might need a little time. I can't say I took it particularly well, especially after everything he has said and done to now go... I just can't do this right now. But I just calmly explain to him how frustrated I have been that we're going around in circles. Then I put it out there that I do really like him but his slowness was making me hold back. He apologises again and says he wanted to say something but just never did, and that he likes me too. We end up signing off, sort of non-commitedly. I assume by "time" he needs time apart from me, so I say that I will miss hearing from him everyday and he agrees. We say goodnight and that's that. - - - I stay quiet for a very hard two days. Frankly, I'm a bit of a mess. It suddenly occurs to me that I had unknowingly invested something in this. I look forward to hearing from him and when I do, it always makes me smile. It's a nice little escape every now and then during the day. I feel like I've lost something and I miss him quite a lot. I don't just miss getting text messages, but I miss getting them from him. To me, it's pretty much over. We're not talking, he's not messaging me and I don't know what to do or how long to leave the silence. And I've just cried myself to sleep two nights in a row. However, by the end of day two, I am starting to come to terms with it. I start to feel it's probably for the best - there's a lot between us to complicate things. In the end, I message him two days later (after chatting with a friend and giving it some consideration) and say I hope it didn't mean we just stop talking altogether and ask him how he's doing. He replies quickly (for him) and says he was just thinking the same thing. He's hoping we can still keep in touch and catch up every so often. We conclude that we're going to be just awesome friends. Two days ago, I wouldn't have been okay with this but considering I've got all my tears out and already sort of come to that conclusion in my mind. I still feel a bit strange about it though, and I haven't really got a proper answer from him. Since I'm not one to let things go too easily (when it comes to things like that), I push him a bit further for more explanation. He explains that since I last saw him things have been getting more difficult for him and things that seemed small have all piled up into one big thing, and he just thought 'okay, one thing at a time' so he hasn't been progressing "us." So, it does make more sense now. I get that sometimes life just gets on top of you. Though a huge part of me wonders whether he still actually likes me "in that way" or not? I'm not really sure. Anyway, we have a fairly long conversation about friendships in general and that it's hard to find close friends who stay close, and me saying I don't really have any close male friends and how sometimes male/female friendships can be complicated because you either have to rule out attraction or put it aside... and it goes on. So this is where the next part comes into it. Because, oh, it gets better. - - - After all this, I suddenly feel like without the umbrella of "possible relationship" hanging over our heads, I can be a bit more open. After all, we're just really good friends now. So one morning, I take a small risk and ask him if he minds if I send up a prayer for him. Also pointing out that I wasn't sure if he knew I was Christian (I'm know he does but just... being polite?) and that I generally keep it close to myself. I can't really imagine what he will say. We never had that conversation so I don't know where he sits with the whole thing. To my surprise, he's quite open. He says I'm welcome to pray for him and mentions he also keeps that stuff close to his chest. And then we get to the big question. I FINALLY ask it. I ask if he has any beliefs or if he was brought up with any. I do wish I had been sitting down when I picked up my phone to read his response. I honestly was so sure he would say he is agnostic but was brought up in a Muslim family. But nope. He says he's a Muslim. But not a very good one or a practising one (yet I do discover later he still says the 5 daily prayers but in one go at night - he says he does this out of habit). I'm in a bit of shock for awhile. I literally have trouble speaking or forming coherent thoughts. How can he keep this from me? It's a huge deal. A Christian and a Muslim? Are you kidding? Who are we kidding?! I sit with this information and dwell for awhile. I do some Google research too. Turns out, in Islam, if your parents are Muslims then you are automatically born Muslim. So that explains why he calls himself a Muslim - it's like a birth thing. And he agrees, he says it's really only by descent and he doesn't consider himself religious. So I have slowly come to terms with this - it's sort of like people who say they are Catholics simply because they are associated with Catholicism through their family, but in actual fact have very little understanding of the religion. Turns out, A seems to have very little understanding of Islam. He tells me religions really have no difference and they're all pretty much the same. So any Christians reading this will have the same reaction as me and probably gasp in horror too. Islam and Christianity may look the "same" on the surface but they are very, very, very different in a fundamental way. So I explain Christianity to him (via text in 25 words or less - probably not a bad way actually). He doesn't really say much and I'm not sure he really understands either religion. He says he's been to churches and heard it before, and he went to a private Islamic Persian school until age 16. He says Islam didn't really click with him. So we have this religious discussion for days. He seems to see my passion for Christ and respects that but seems disinterested himself. I think a part of him is curious but it's in the "too hard" basket. He's happy keeping that part of him settled by doing the Muslim prayers, I think. It's a habit and keeps him satisfied for now, even though it means very little to him. Personally, I can't fathom this but I won't judge. So a week passes, and we're back to texting each other every day. It's a bit odd. But it's okay with me for now. We both stay happy - he doesn't have to pursue a relationship with me when he feels he can't and I can feel less frustrated by him not moving things forward. In theory, this works great. In reality... we'll see. Now that I am aware of his Muslim heritage and that he still calls himself that, I know I CANNOT afford to get myself involved. I feel like I am treading on very thin, dangerous ice. But I'm glad the religion discussion has been opened up and that in itself is an answered prayer. I've been praying for a way to bring it into conversation... and if all this can happen - we can put a hold on a relationship in a mature, mutual way and then suddenly have a very open discussion about friendship and religion... WHO KNOWS what can happen! Anything is possible through Christ. I will keep praying for his heart, praying for openings in the conversation and praying that I can keep my own heart guarded from him until God's plan is revealed. The last thing I want to do is push it on him and subsequently push him away by being too overt. I just want him to see Christ in me and hopefully over time become more receptive to this amazing thing that is God's love. |
| I went on a third date last night with... we'll call him A... finally! It took a strangely long time to eventuate but it was very, very nice as per usual. It's weird how you can feel instantly comfortable with someone. I'll admit it was slightly awkward at the beginning of dinner but I think that's because it's been such a long time in between seeing each other. We had dinner just in a local town at little cafe type place, and we ended up meeting in the carpark as we both tried to find a park. He gave me MUCH bigger hugs this time after our conversation about that so that was very, very (very) nice indeed. Turns out he gives awesome hugs. So we had dinner and then decided to go somewhere else for coffee, but then he asked if I wanted to go for a walk first. So we walked around the block a bit and it was nice just to be somewhere quieter. I think he may have had grand plans to make a move in for a kiss but it didn't really happen. I find as soon as the situation gets remotely romantic, I become more closed off. I wish I didn't but it seems to be a natural thing. So we walked around a bit and then went back to our cars to get his memory card and my sister's iPad I borrowed - he wanted to show me his photos from New Zealand. We're standing at his car and then he suddenly produces this little box with like a little glass statue, and hands to me. I can't remember exactly what he said but it definitely wasn't, "and I got you something from New Zealand." It was something like, "and I bought a few things..." I thought he was showing me one of his souvenirs. So I take it, look at it, comment that it's "really cool" and then try handing it back to him when he informs me it was a gift! For me! He got me a gift on his trip... awwwwww.  I like... melted on the spot. But I didn't know what to do with myself so I just sort of said thanks and how nice it was of him... and then yeah. I probably should have given him a hug as thanks. Oooops. Anyway, so we took the iPad and photos and found a little coffee shop. He insisted on sitting next to me instead of opposite, which was a good move on his part because it gave us the opportunity to break that physical touch barrier a bit more. Oh, speaking of breaking touch barriers... as hugs don't necessarily count, the first time he's touched me properly skin on skin was at dinner and oh my goodness, I literally felt that electric shock feeling when someone you like touches you and there are sparks. My second thought was "uh oh!" :\ But I was saying how I have small wrists so all he did was wrap a hand around my wrist to see. But yeah....... oh sighs. So while sitting looking at the photos, he sat in really close. He occasionally leaned in to see the photos, and in the process putting his face next to mine. He sort of snuggled in a bit closer if I said something he thought was funny then moved away again. He touched the upper part of leg at times... and was just very close in general. And you know what? It felt totally normal. While I didn't exactly reciprocate, I didn't move away either because I didn't feel uncomfortable. I was aware, but not necessarily uncomfortable. It was quite nice having him close, feeling his touch and smelling that distinct smell of his. I think it's mix of cologne and just general body scent (not body odour, but you know how everyone has their own "smell"?) and I found it oddly comforting. Maybe I just crave the closeness of another person, or maybe it's something else? Whatever it was, I liked it and I know I shouldn't but I can't help but want to see where this goes. I've spoken to God about it many times and simply praying to take this away from me somehow if it's not the path for me. But it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. The night ended back at the carpark and I showed him my new camera. This was the "almost kiss" moment that I'm painfully aware didn't happen! I wanted to happen but I had this overwhelming feeling of anticipation which led to me becoming very nervous and I stood there for ages babbling about the camera, putting it away in my car really slowly and eventually turning around for the standard goodnight hug knowing full well this might be the first kiss moment... but in the end, he gave me a big, tight, warm hug and held on for a bit longer than usual and then kissed my cheek as we pulled apart. And then that was it. I honestly don't remember how we managed to get so fast from a kiss on the cheek to being completely separated. Why didn't I leave my arms around him for a bit?! See, I think I go into "fight or flight" mode when stuff like this makes me anxious and I pick "flight" every time.  Ah well. It was still a lovely evening and I think we'll definitely be doing it again sometime soon. That's if he gets his butt into gear with planning this stuff! But he knows how I feel about that. |
| Okay. I need to vent. Prepare yourselves. Why do people feel the need to BRAG about their "awesome" social lives to me? About how they have something on every night of the weekend, about how they stayed out until 6am and *OMG* one night, didn't even come home until 1pm the next day?! News flash. I DON'T CARE! I don't want to be you, or be like you, nor do I feel the need to go out every night of the weekend or drink myself stupid. I never will. It's not in my genetic makeup or my personality or in any fiber of my being. What I don't get is why people are bragging about to ME? Most people know I'm not into that. I don't feel the need to keep up and it certainly doesn't make me feel less "cool" if that's the aim. I'm perfectly comfortable in my own social choices and in all honesty, I don't see how sitting at home watching TV on a Saturday is any big deal. I go out other Saturdays... if I feel like it. And I'll just as much sit at home alone... if I feel like it. Sometimes it's like people are trying to push their social expectations onto me. What for? If I'm happy with who I am and the choices I make, what does it matter to anyone else? And I am happy, for that matter. I learnt awhile ago that as long as I am HAPPY while sitting on the couch alone on a Saturday night watching TV, then good for me. I have nothing to prove. Sometimes I prefer spending a night alone! Anyway, venting over. To the real story - I had lunch today with my old friend Sarah - whom I haven't seen since 2010. The same friend who left me in Sydney alone and flew home after having a meltdown when I wouldn't go clubbing with her on Easter Sunday night. We never ended up seeing eye to eye on the matter and the 14-year friendship dissolved. We have spoken via text maybe two or three times in all these years, but the other day she emailed me suggesting lunch or coffee. So I thought why not. What harm can it do? I've grown significantly as a person in confidence in my own beliefs and self... and besides, I had nothing else to do today. It was okay. To be honest, nothing has changed. I didn't actually expect it to. In fact, she's probably got worse in all the areas we disagreed upon. I spent most of the lunch listening to her brag about everything I just vented about! She was overseas recently and spent all of it getting very drunk, getting hit on by guys, spending the night at guys places (but assures me "nothing" happened because she's not "that kind of girl" and doesn't do one night stands). Oh SIGHS. She's a nice girl, honestly. She has some lovely qualities. But by me listening to God and trusting and allowing Him to take her out of my life, as painful as it was, was the right thing. She's very self-centred. She hardly asked me anything about my life and if she did, seemed disinterested in my answer and soon redirected the conversation back to herself. So that was that. The other thing that had me a bit mad was that guy I've been "sort of but not really" seeing. After my day with Sarah today and already being mad about people who party their lives away, he sends me a message tonight (no less than SIX hours after I sent a reply to his previous message - but that's another venting blog post all in itself) saying he'd just finished work and going to his friends birthday in the city. AT 10:30PM ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. He works Saturdays regularly but who works five weekdays plus Saturday, finish at 10:30pm and then go into the city to party?! WHO DOES THAT? Seriously. It's weird. He's not bragging quite like Sarah was but still... I don't get it. I also told him outright the other night that I was getting frustrated with this texting every day, which is very nice and everything, but without time in person in between it's really leading nowhere. Now, I know that for someone who is unsure whether I actually want to pursue this as a relationship, was a dangerous move. But sometimes I get so fed up, I just... it just happened. So now he knows I'm potentially interested in it leading "somewhere" and while he's sending less text messages less often, he HAS turned up the flirting. I know, I know. Dangerous area for me to be skirting around in. But if I say nothing, we just continue in this never ending cycle of texting and without seeing him in person, I can't actually make a decision nor can I speak to him about church related things. And that... is that! In other more exciting news, I bought a swanky new camera! Oh yes. A beautiful full-frame Canon 6D with 24-105mm L-series lens. It's a gorgeous creature. And tomorrow, I have a photography workshop to attend led by a rather famous photographer. EEP! In hindsight, that last paragraph should have been HEADLINE news in my blog! Oh, to stop getting distracted in life by inconsequential happenings. |
| I thought it would be appropriate to end the year with a blog post! The year 2013 has been a good one. I can't anything truly big happened, apart from starting my photography course! That was pretty much the biggest thing to happen all year and then it continued in it's epic glory all year as I studied. It's been a wonderful but scary change but I have enjoyed it. I've met some wonderful new friends who will continue to be good friends next year, and I'm sure we'll all be stressing/laughing/crying/smiling over all the work to come our way soon! So that's pretty much it for my "recap of 2013" On to other news...Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and as usual, I have lowered my expectations so they're pretty much non-existant. It seemed everyone I would be doing anything with decided to go away this year. But nevertheless, turns out a party is coming to me! See, if you don't try, sometimes it just happens. My sister's friends are all coming to our place and bringing yummy foods with them and since I live here too, I am, by default, invited since I have nothing else to do. Awesome! A couple weeks ago I had another date (*ahem* "catch up") with the guy from my previous few posts. And I guess everyone will be happy to hear we had a second date because people really CAN be different second time around! Not super different, but we were both more relaxed and it was just that little bit more easy. And I was more attracted to him this time, which caught me slightly off guard. We had dinner and he's sitting there talking, in his cute Space Invaders t-shirt, suit jacket over the top and a very neat manicured beard... and I got that little weird fluttery tightness in my chest, just completely out of the blue. I don't know what that feeling is called. It's not quite butterflies because it goes away as fast as it comes. But it's that unmistakable sign that you have feelings that go beyond friends. I wasn't really listening to him, I was too busy thinking "wow, he actually IS rather attractive, isn't he?!" I don't know what it was about that night that made me feel differently but something was definitely sparked in me that night. Even if was he 40 minutes late! We had a communication breakdown - I arrived at the scheduled time but 15 minutes later, he still wasn't there nor had he replied to my text. Suddenly, I get this message from him - really confused why I hadn't confirmed the time and that he was jumping in the car as we speak. Turns out, he didn't get my text saying I'd agreed to meet him and it came through as he was driving... he proved this by showing me his phone! So it was all A-OK in the end! After dinner (they were packing up chairs when we left!), we went and sat his car so I could look at his brand spanking new camera. And though I was concentrating heavily on playing with the camera, I didn't fail to notice how far he'd leaned over and that he was just kinda gazing at me and not overly interested in my camera tips! But no kiss - after a cancelled date, 40 mins late that night (granted no fault of his own) and this being only the second date - I had already decided to make him wait! It was a good night! He's in New Zealand at the moment on a trip - the silence is weird. I realised that we have communicated in some way every day since mid-October. And now there's silence! But it's good. It's good that he's having this holiday (because he needs it - he works 6 days a week!) and it's good that I'm distracted with my own job. If he's still thinking about me when he gets back, as I am, then we'll catch up again. A few of us are going camping in a couple weeks so I am hoping he can come along. That would be SO much fun. But he works Saturdays so he might not be able to. But fingers (and toes) crossed! It's so perfect - my close friend is dating one of his close friends so it would just be us and a two other girls... But we'll see. HAPPY 2014!!! May it be the best year ever! |
| Tomorrow is the day my classes finish and I am free from school! It's a freedom I don't necessarily want though. Want will I do with myself? I've been trying to find a part-time holiday job to spend my time and earn some extra cash, but luck as yet. Which is surprising, but what can you do? Maybe soon. I haven't had a long break like this until last time I studied... actually no, I take that back. I had long breaks when I was out of work and in between jobs. But that sort of break is more stressful. I have until mid-February to just chill out, hopefully work a bit, and practice my photography! I'm STILL emailing that guy from my last entry - what is up with this?! It's been weeks. Plural. Three of them, in fact. He has to have an agenda to be writing lengthy emails for three whole weeks? I don't know... but he's clearly not getting to a point any time soon. In the meantime, I certainly know a hell of a lot more about this guy than I did three weeks ago! I went to my friend's birthday dinner, the one who wouldn't make time for me, and she was sooooo appreciative I came knowing that all my final assessments were due in the next few days. Same as her boyfriend, who is the midst of his final medical exams, and he still made time to come. But YET, she still does not understand the point fully. I received a message saying an event planned the Saturday after my birthday had been cancelled so now she has time to celebrate with me! Would I like to come out to dinner? I'm like....... great. Actually, I'm in two minds. I do feel appreciative that she wants to have dinner, but yet I feel like she's missing the point of actually "making time" for someone. I don't want to go but at the same time, I still want to see her for my birthday and I don't want to seem petty. It's ridiculous. I know I take things too much to heart sometimes, but sometimes I feel like I have every right to! I don't know. *shrug* |
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